Weird Wednesdays: In which God supposedly hates masturbation, slut pills, and the rhythm method

Well, I had planned on taking on the Jewish Tribal War in Judges 19, but I got into a discussion with a rather conservative Catholic fellow over at, and decided this story (or rather the interpretation of it by the Catholic Church) is decidedly weird enough to put off the war for next week.

In Genesis 38, we have the story of Judah and Tamar. Itself a wonderfully weird story that is also my favorite tale of lurid forbidden sex in the bible, mostly because it ridiculously illustrates the attitudes of men in those times:

Judah: My sleeping with strange prostitutes is awesome and okay! It’s good to be Judah!

Judah’s servant: Uh… sir, you’re daughter-in-law Tamar the widow is pregnant.

Judah: That whore! Bring her out and burn her in front of me!

Tamar: Yeah, I was the prostitute you slept with. I really wanted a baby and you wouldn’t give me your last son as a husband.

Judah: Oh… uh… whoops. We’re all good then. Yeah… let’s not mention this again at family gatherings.

Tamar: Don’t worry. I’m sure no one will write this story down in a thousand years in a book that billions of people will read or anything.

But tucked into that weird and rather screwed up tale, we find this nugget:

6 Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.

Pretty standard for Jehovah then. He was always a bit smite-y about a lot of stuff.

8 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

And there you have the verse upon which the Catholic Church bases its ‘no slut pills, rhythm method, or jacking off” rule.

That’s it.

All of it.

Clear as day, right?

Onan’s ‘sin’ couldn’t possibly be the cultural sin of refusing to do his ‘duty’ and keep his brother’s name alive, which was something big enough to be coded into Levitical Law, which required a public shaming of a brother or next of kin that refused to marry his brother’s widow and raise children for him which carried on to future generations.

If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband’s brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel.

However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, “My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.” Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, “This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.” 10 That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.

Nope. Onan’s sin was only about pulling out and spilling seed on the ground.

Which therefore proves that God doesn’t want you ladies to have those birth control pills.

My final word… if God gets pissed off that much about spilling semen into the ground or a tissue or a tube sock that He gets all murder-y, then there wouldn’t be a single man left alive on the Earth.

Weird Wednesdays: In which a priest, a Jew, and a Midianite princess have the worst threesome ever

6 Then behold, one of the sons of Israel came and brought to his relatives a Midianite woman, in the sight of Moses and in the sight of all the congregation of the sons of Israel, while they were weeping at the doorway of the tent of meeting. 7 When Phinehas the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he arose from the midst of the congregation and took a spear in his hand, 8 and he went after the man of Israel into the tent and pierced both of them through, the man of Israel and the woman, through the body. So the plague on the sons of Israel was checked. 9 Those who died by the plague were 24,000.

Dude, come on Phinehas… did you not see the necktie on the tent flap? Oh… you did.. Erk….

See, it was wrong to get together with the Midianite ladies. You know… at least until 7 chapters later when Moses tells the soldiers to let the young Midianite virgins live and divvy them up between the soldiers. The lesson here is patience. If only this guy could have waited and not had sex with a Midianite woman right then, he would have had his pick of 12-15 year old Midianite girls a little later.

For the record… because there is no sarcasm font… I find the idea of that last sentence repulsive.


… In Florida, (which is slowly sinking into the ocean, mind you)

“If you consider CO2 to be a pollutant, than everybody zip up their mouths and don’t exhale for the rest of the meeting because you are polluting the air,” he said. “CO2 in my opinion is not a pollutant,” Wood said. “God gave us C02 to grow plants, for us to exhale, everything else.”

Meanwhile, in California:

As difficult as it may be to face, the simple fact is that California is running out of water — and the problem started before our current drought. NASA data reveal that total water storage in California has been in steady decline since at least 2002, when satellite-based monitoring began, although groundwater depletion has been going on since the early 20th century.

Right now the state has only about one year of water supply left in its reservoirs, and our strategic backup supply, groundwater, is rapidly disappearing.

give up

Fast Food review: Carl’s Jr. All Natural Burger

I remember when beef used to taste different.

Back in the late 70’s/early 80’s beef tasted differently. I didn’t realize that until I started buying the grass-fed, hormone and antibiotic free beef from the supermarket. The stuff tasted exactly like the kind of steak and hamburgers I used to remember as a kid.

So I was curious if the Carl’s Jr. All Natural burger would taste similar to the ones I’ve been making at home.

No. No, it doesn’t.

It tastes like a Carl’s Jr. burger.

Big surprise there, right?

To be fair, the burger might taste different, I couldn’t tell as my burger was currently being absorbed by a combination mayo/ketchup/mustard glob. Resistance was futile. It was assimilated.

Yum... said no one. Ever.

Yum… said no one. Ever.

The resulting HamBorger tasted like their less expensive Famous Star.  Save yourself the extra money.

Or better yet, go buy some of the expensive ground beef at the store and grill up some burgers at home. You’ll taste the difference.

Firing squad


After less than a minute of debate, the Senate gave final passage Tuesday to a controversial bill to reinstate the firing squad as an execution method.

The Senate voted 18-10 to pass HB11, and sent it to Gov. Gary Herbert for his signature. It earlier passed the House 39-34, with just one vote to spare after intense debate that focused mainly on whether to abolish the death penalty.

HB11 allows using a firing squad if the drug cocktail necessary for lethal injection is not available at least 30 days before a scheduled execution. Foreign manufacturers of the drugs used in lethal injection have worked to prevent their use in executions.

It may come as a surprise, but I support this. Oh, I’m completely against the death penalty at this point. It’s wasteful, flawed, and the legal system has put innocent men on death row and executed at least one of them.

But if America insists on reserving the right to kill its citizens, I’m all in favor of making it less sanitized and less detached.

I mean ideally, we’d give the prisoner enough Xanax to make him very relaxed, drag him out behind a shed and put two in the back of his skull. No clean needles. No dignity in death. Just brutal, visceral violence, preferably broadcast live on TV on the major networks.

Drag it out into the light.