An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:102-142

Honor God. If you’re not a Muslim, try not to die.

Remember how God is choosing not to set you on fire forever and be grateful to him.

Be a community of virtue, righteousness, and refraining from evil.

Don’t be like those guys who decided not to join my new religion even after I gave them clear proofs. (Like what?)

On the day of judgement, the good people will all turn white, and the bad people will become black.

God doesn’t want injustice for mankind, even though he controls everything and could end injustice. Yes, try to make sense of those two statements.

You guys are the best of humanity because you believe me, unlike those Jews and Christians who suck. But it’s mostly Jews and God’s going to make them miserable. I mean, not all Christians and Jews suck, there are a few good ones.

If you suffer evil, it’s your own fault, not God’s, even though he literally controls everything. Don’t be friends with non-Muslims that want to hurt you. That would seem applicable regardless of our respective religions, but sure.

I mean sure they say they believe in God, but they don’t believe the right way and must therefore be duplicitous snakes talking mean things about you behind your back.

Seriously, Jews and Christians suck.

Remember when we won that one battle even though we were outnumbered. This is clear proof that I speak for God and not a case of superior tactics, battlefield position, and training. Nope, it was God talking to me and three thousand invisible servants.

God chooses who to save and who to set on fire forever. Well, he sounds like a nice guys, doesn’t he?

Don’t charge interest on loans.

Obey me… and God… but mostly me since I’m the only one that God talks to, right?

Do good, when you sin, ask God for forgiveness.

If you do what is right, you get a neat garden with flowing rivers which would probably sound like heaven to someone from the deserts of the Middle East.

Lots of nations fell and they weren’t Muslims, so checkmate, unbelievers.

If you’re suffering, it’s because God wants you to and needs you to suffer so he can finally kill all the non-Muslims and set them on fire forever. God wants some people to overcome suffering so he can give them awards at a nice ceremony at the local Kiwanis club over a chicken dinner.


An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:62-101

Let’s see…

There’s only one God.

Mohammed wants you to tell Christians and Jews that we should all get along…

He asks why we argue about Abraham since the Torah and the Gospels were not revealed until after his death, but then goes on to claim that Abraham was a Muslim even though the Quran wasn’t revealed until after his death. By his own logic, that assertion is invalid.

Hey, Christians and Jews, why don’t you believe a guy in the desert saying God spoke to him too?

Why are you guys such liars?

Why do you believe that Moses or Jesus characters spoke to God, but not me, huh?

Some of those Jews are okay. You can trust them with a lot of money. But some of those Jews will fight you over a quarter, amirite?

God loves the pious. Ah, but is that which is pious pious because God loves it or does God love it because it is pious?

If you become an apostate from Islam, God will set you on fire forever. Well, he probably won’t, but your neighbors might depending on where you live.

Some people say stuff that they say is from God, but isn’t. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Real prophets won’t ask you to worship them or angels.

But if anyone questions you say, “We believe all of the prophets who come and say they heard from God.”

If you’re not a Muslim, you’ll be in the loser’s club in the afterlife.

Seriously, apostates and unbelievers will be set on fire forever. You’re totes gonna wish you were Muslim then.

Abraham was a monotheist. Eh… no, he was probably a pagan first. And his family had issues with idolatry or else Rachel wouldn’t have stolen her dad’s gods and Jacob wouldn’t have told his family to get rid of idols and get super serious about God.

Seriously, Christians, why don’t you believe me that I’m on a mission from God?

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:28-61

Okay, let’s see what else Mohammed has to say…

You’re not supposed to make non-Muslim friends. God does not like this at all, but he’ll give you a pass if you do it because you’re afraid of them. This is funny because the next verse says God is powerful over everything, so why would you ever be afraid of a non-Muslim? Couldn’t God just stop them if they intended to hurt you?

Judgment Day is coming.

If you love God, then you have to follow Islam. It’s the only possible conclusion aside from all of the other religions that say the same thing.

God chose Adam… well… He didn’t really have much choice there. I mean, if there was a literal Adam, he was the only person on Earth. And Noah and Abraham and Imran… Imran? Gotta look this one up. Ah, okay, that’s what Islam calls Mary’s dad.

Mary’s mom apparently dedicates her soon to be born baby to the Lord and is shocked to find out it’s a girl. Because you know girls are different than boys. That’s what the text says. Girls are different than boys. She gets the name Mary and gives her up to God to protect her and her descendants from the devil.

Mary apparently hangs around the Temple with Zachariah. And she’s always got provision… is this food? A baby? I have no idea. Let’s go with food. Mary’s always got something to eat and Zachariah says, “Hey, since you’re in pretty tight with God, why don’t you ask him to give me a son?”

So an angel shows up and says, “You’re going to have a son, John the Baptist.”

“How will I know? I need a sign.”

Mohammed messes up the story here. The angel says he’ll be silent for three days. The original story from the gospel of Luke is that Zach was silent until after the baby was born.

Then some angels pop up and tell Mary that God really likes her and she’ll bear the Messiah Jesus who is pretty good and almost the best prophet aside from the person dictating this. Mary objects since she’s a virgin, but God can magic up a baby without sex.

Jesus is going to teach the people the Old and New Testaments. He’s going to make a clay bird and bring it to life. And do some of the stuff he did in the gospels like healing people and raising the dead. Jesus also says he’s going to change some of God’s laws in the Torah, which goes against the gospel of Matthew where Jesus said he didn’t come to abolish the law and that not one stroke of the letter of the law would pass away.

Jesus gathers disciples, then God says, “You know, Jesus, I’m going to kill you and bring you up here with me so you don’t have to deal with unbelievers anymore who I am totally going to set on fire forever.”

But Jesus was totally just a man like Adam.

But if any Christians want to argue with you about that, you’re supposed to tell them, “Okay, gather all of your family and I’ll gather my family and we’ll call down the curse of God upon the one of us who is wrong.”

And then presumably you’d all stand around awkwardly for a while as nothing happened.

“So… uh… now what?”

“I don’t know… uh…. I guess we fight?”

“I say God is Love!” yelled the Christian as he brought down his sword.

“I say God is Merciful!” yelled the Muslim as he brought down his sword.

Repeat that for the next 1,200 years and you’ve pretty much got the history of the Middle East and Europe except occasionally Christians would kill other Christians for being the wrong kind of Christian and Muslims would kill other Muslims for being the wrong kind of Muslim.

Isn’t humanity great, folks?


An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:1-27

Scrolls down… wow, this one is a super short 200 verses.

Okay, so Mohammed reminds us that he’s writing this for God. All of this totally came from God including the Torah and the Gospels… which obviously can’t be the case, because the gospels were written by anonymous authors, vary significantly, but all agree on Jesus being or becoming the Son of God, which I’m pretty sure is something Muslims and Jews would disagree on.

Oh, but Mohammed reminds me, that if I doubt this book, God is coming with the fire forever.

God sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake.

God makes you in the womb, even if you have disabilities that lead to a life of difficulty, pain, and suffering, that’s just God’s will for you.

Okay, Mohammed tries to answer my earlier objection and says that some of what God says to mankind is specific and some of it is vague and I’m just being a troublemaker for questioning the vague stuff that doesn’t make sense and I’m going to be shoved into a fire by God the Merciful.

If you reject the signs, God will punish you for your sins. What signs? What about that one battle where the believers were outnumbered two to one and they prevailed? Huh? What about that? That battle. Which totally happened.

We all like women, having kids, lots of money, nice horses, lots of cows and goats and fields. God’s got better stuff for the pious.

God’s got some really nice gardens with clean water, purified wives, and God’s acceptance. Purified wives? Our wives are impure now? Are we talking about the bleeding out of her wherever? I think that’s what we’re talking about.

If you beg God for forgiveness that garden and non-menstruating women can be yours.

There’s only one God. He says so. So do the angels He created.

The true religion is the one Mohammed started, says Mohammed. God will set those who disbelieve on fire forever.

Mohammed does not believe in Purgatory. That’s all made up religious nonsense, unlike the stuff I’m telling you which is totally true, because I say so.

Judgement day will come and everyone will be recompensed according to their deeds. Which is what Jesus said, and I have the same problem with it that I did then. If every sin merits being set on fire forever, then I’m not being repaid according to my deeds, because the punishment is unjust. Intellectually, I have no idea where I fall on the religious spectrum. But I would assume that most fundamentalist Christians and most fundamentalist Muslims would say that I’m going to be set on fire forever by God for the crime of disbelief in two contradictory religions. I can’t force myself to believe, let alone force myself to believe two different things about God. If I did, that sort of God would see through my actions and would still set me on fire forever.

Hell, by its very nature, is an unjust punishment. Imagine a world that dispensed justice like that. Are you guilty of jaywalking? Well, your sentence is be taken down to a dark basement where you will be tortured every second for the rest of your life which we will preserve as long as possible. Your crime is murdering six million Jews? Well, same sentence for you.

Okay, Mohammed might have anticipated that objection, because his next verses say that God can pretty much do whatever he wants and we have no say in the matter.

Mohammed and John Calvin would have gotten along smashingly, I bet.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 2:263-286

Okay, the end of this surah is in sight. Moving forward…

Don’t insult and belittle people after you give them charity.

If you spend your money to be admired by people,  but aren’t a Muslim, none of what you do matters. Something else Islam has in common with Christianity, I guess.

If you spend your money for God (really give generously to his ministers, since God ain’t gonna be cashing your check) you’ll get more than you give away.

If really bad stuff happens to you, clearly God wants you to think about what you did wrong.

If you’re going to give stuff, give your best stuff, not the crap you drop off at Goodwill.

Satan promises you poverty… wow… he’s really bad at his job.

God promises forgiveness and grace.

God dispenses wisdom to the people He wants to.

God sees your good deeds.

It’s better to give in private than in public. God will knock a few things off of your red ledger.

You’re not supposed to charge interest on loans. God doesn’t like that. God tolerates capitalism, God hates charging interest.

Christians, of course, historically got around this by borrowing from Jews who did charge interest, up to the point where we mostly forgot about it because there were profits to be made, gosh darned it. And some Islamic banks or institutions get out of this by charging an added ‘fee’ to the loan or transaction that generally works out to the same amount they would have gotten if they charged interest like other banks.

Loopholes. Humanity loves finding loopholes that will ‘fool’ their religion’s deity, eh?

Seriously, if you do the right thing, God will reward you.

If you charge interest, then expect war and plunder to follow. That’s how much God hates it.

If you’re debtor can’t repay, then give him more time or forgive the debt.

If you borrow money, make sure there’s a paper trail and a contract.

It all belongs to God anyway and if you misbehave, He’ll set you on fire forever.

Mohammed really believes the stuff he (or a scribe) is writing down and comes from God.

And finally, a prayer that says basically, “Please, O Lord, do not set us on fire forever or make our lives on this earth a living hell.”

Huh. End of the surah. Okay, well, there was some good stuff in there. Also some objectionable stuff. And definitely some weird stuff. Onward to Surah 3 and hopefully it is NOT as long as this one was.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 2:233-262

Hmm… okay, so the God of the entire infinite universe wants you ladies to know the proper rules for nursing your babies.

Widows, God also says you’ve got to wait at least four months to remarry after your husband dies. So no running off with the pool boy until then.

God doesn’t care about your engagement announcements either. Something we have in common.

If you divorce before you have sex with your bride and before you pay the woman’s dad her dowry, then give dad a little something for the inconvenience. If you divorce before sex, but after signing the agreement to a dowry, pay half.

You’ve got to write a will providing for your wives for a year in the event of your demise.

Also, you have to pay spousal support if you divorce.

So people were running away and God wanted to kill them, but then he didn’t kill them, but they were so ungrateful at him for the mercy of not killing them. Humanity, man.

There we go. Something else Islam has in common with Christianity and Judaism. You should totes give your money to “God” (wink wink) because “God” will give you back so much more and not because priest work is much easier than farm work.

Mohammed tells a story…

Israelites: We want a king, then we’ll go genocide for you, God.

God: Why wouldn’t you genocide for me without a king?

Israelites: We will totally genocide for you to take back our land.

But they didn’t go genocide for God.

God: Okay, Saul is your new king.

Israelites: We don’t like him. He’s not rich. And you know us Jews, right? Eh? Eh? Mohammed knows…

And then the writer gets the story of Gideon confused and mixes it in with Saul’s first battle and David and Goliath. Seriously. Saul goes out to fight, then sends everyone home who drinks from the river the wrong way, then says God can help us kill that much larger army and then David kills Goliath

Christians screwed up the message of Jesus.

God is pretty great, yo.

Oh, you can’t force someone to worship which… nice idea… but no one in history has ever followed it.

Abraham has an argument with an unbeliever and as his proof of God’s existence uses the fact that the unbeliever can’t make the sun rise in the West.

Another guy was totally passing a destroyed town and wondered if God was powerful enough to restore it, so God puts the guy to sleep for a hundred years, wakes him up, and says, “See?”

Abraham asks God to prove that he can bring back the dead, so God tells Abe to chop up some birds and scatter them on different hills and they’ll fly back to him.

Seriously, please give us your money. We promise “God” will totes give it back to you multiplied.

The Great Cosmic Prank

So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?