How Welfare reform works (Maine edition)


Scene: The beautiful state of Maine:

Citizen: “I’m poor and need to eat. Please help me.”

Maine: “F*** you!”

(six months later)

Maine: “The number of our welfare recipients has fallen! Thus there are no more hungry people! Therefore, our reform plan was an unmitigated success!”

 

Citizen: “I’m still hungry…”

 

Maine: “An unmitigated success…”

“But I’m pro-life!” (rimshot)


HUGH HEWITT: Could you order air strikes that would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the hundreds and the thousands? Could you wage war as a commander-in-chief?

CARSON: [L]ater on, you know, they really realize what’s going on. And by the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and understand that it’s actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the job, rather than death by 1,000 pricks.

(Sings) Jesus loves the little child-ren. All the children of the world…

HEWITT: So you are OK with the deaths of thousands of innocent children and civilian? It’s like…

CARSON: You got it. You got it.

(Continues singing) bloody, broken, black and blue, we are bombing all of you!

“That is what war… can you be as ruthless as Churchill was in prosecuting the Nazis?” Hewitt pressed on.

(Singing) Jesus loves the little children of the world… except the Muslims…

Happy Life Day


As we all gather round for the upcoming holiday, the release of Episode VII, it’s a good time to sit down with family and reflect on just how godawful mixing Star Wars and Christmas have been in the past.

If…


If this 353rd mass shooting had been committed by Bob from Accounting instead of Syed, Republicans would have already told us to move on and would have forgotten about it.

A few minor corrections…


Dr. Ben Carson gave this statement today to the press regarding the revelation that despite his claims to the contrary, he did not receive a full scholarship to West Point:
“Thank you all for coming. At the advice of my campaign manager and our legal team, I would like to clear up a few misconceptions about my past.

“To start with, contrary to claims made in my autobiography, I did not single-handedly stop a group of international terrorists from killing hostages at the Nakatomi building. That was the fictional character John McLane. I apologize to Mr. Bruce Willis and would like to say that I truly enjoy his movies, including Blind Date… which is also a lie. Nobody enjoyed Blind Date.

“Secondly, on page 257, where I said, I was the daring X-wing pilot that fired the proton torpedoes that destroyed the Death Star. That is also factually incorrect. That was Luke Skywalker. Apologies to the Disney Corporation and I hope this will convince you to withdraw any pending litigation.

“Regarding page 391. I was never known as the Boy Who Lived. Nor did I train to be a wizard. That was Harry Potter. The lightning bolt ‘scar’ on my forehead was drawn with a Sharpie. Apologies to J.K.Rowling and the Sharpie corporation.

“Likewise on page 448, a minor correction: I did not carry the one ring to Mt. Doom. The only ring I’ve ever carried or worn has been my wedding ring. Which does not make me invisible. Apologies to the Tolkien Estate and New Line Cinema.

“I did not beat the Kobyashi Maru test. That was James Kirk.

“I did not stop the bad guy with a golden gun, Scaramanga, that was James Bond…

“And I was not the first apostle martyred for my faith, that was St. James.

“And lastly, I was not known as the godfather of soul, that would be James Brown… apologies to everyone named James. Thank you. There will be no questions…”

Body Armor America


Can doctor’s ask now if you own a gun?

Beaumont police officers are investigating an apparent accidental shooting Monday morning at the Christus Outpatient Pavilion located in the 700 block of 11th Street.

A witness told KCEN’s sister station 12News that a woman was in the waiting room of a medical office.  When she reached into her purse to pull out some paperwork, a gun fell out of her purse causing it to discharge. The round went through a wall and hit another patient in the hip.

The only way to stop a bad banana with a gun…

Two men were transported to the hospital after a shooting at Griner’s Supermarket in Hazel Green.

The owner of Griner’s Supermarket said a shopper’s gun fell to the floor and discharged. When it went off, the shopper and another man were hit.

American Exceptionalism, folks… stay safe, wear your vest, and duck and cover out there.

Nothing more to say…


There is really nothing to say anymore.

Two more dead bodies. Two more families crying. Friends mourning. Bodies buried. Soon to be nothing more than a statistic to most people.

Sympathies sent. So sorry. Nothing to be done. Could have happened to anyone. But it didn’t. It happened to you.

Your family just won the deadly national lottery this time. No money. Just pain to carry with you forever. Empty chair at holidays. A dinner plate left in the cupboard.

If this were a warzone, you’d get a state burial and flag, but it’s the greatest country on Earth, so you get nothing. Unless one of your neighbors brings you a casserole.

Don’t politicize it.

Don’t blame the gun.

I don’t. I blame the apologists. I blame the co-conspirators. I blame the accomplices that made it so easy for angry young men and women to arm themselves with the engine of death. Death dealing is profitable, so the cycle goes on.

A lottery with no winners, but the ones that profit from human misery.

Nothing more to say.

God damn it all.