The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 10-11


We hit the speed bump today as Solomon decides to just start throwing a bunch of short sayings together making it difficult to summarize.

Solomon is still a jerk, is what I’m saying.

Chapter 10:

  • Smart kids make their parents proud, dumb kids make them ashamed.
  • Stealing doesn’t prosper (unless you’re a banker), but doing good will keep you from death.
  • God doesn’t allow good people to starve…(Wow…that’s just not true.)
  • Doing a half-assed job will make you poor, but doing a good job will make you rich… (also, not always true.)
  • If you work hard during harvest, you’re smart. If you leave your crops to rot because you’re too lazy, you’re an idiot.
  • Righteous people are awesome, wicked people suck.
  • Wise people receive instruction. Fools always talk.
  • People will find out about your sins.
  • Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks for good or ill.
  • Hatred causes enmity (ya think?) but love forgives.
  • Wise people speak wise words, but fools will be caned.
  • The rich man’s wealth is his security, the poor man’s suffering is his poverty… (This is the wisest man on Earth?)
  • The righteous will be given life, the wicked punishment.
  • Righteous people speak good words. Wicked people are fools.
  • Lazy people are bad employees.
  • If you do what is right, you’ll be blessed. If you don’t, you’ll be cursed. (Job: WRONG!)

 

Chapter 11:

  • God likes honest business practices. Yeah… I’m looking at you Joel the Grocer. We all know you weigh your scales, you miserable cheat.
  • Pride comes before a fall. Humility is wisdom.
  • Your wealth will not save you from God’s judgment. Righteous will.
  • More stuff about how the righteous will be blessed and the wicked will be cursed.
  • Keep the secrets entrusted to you. Don’t be a blabbermouth.
  • Don’t cosign loans with strangers.
  • Gracious women are honored, ruthless men become rich.
  • Stay righteous, brother.
  • Women who blab all the time are like pigs with gold rings in their snouts, amirite, fellas?
  • Generous people will always have more to give. Hoarders and the greedy will always be in want and despised by the people.
  • If you trust in your wealth, it’s going to fail you… but you just said that the rich man’s wealth is his security…

The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 1-9


Chapter 1

  • The proverbs of Solomon to teach all of you wisdom…
  • To fear God is to be wise. (God does have a large body count by this point, so point taken.)
  • If someone comes up to you and says, “Hey, let’s murder people, say no.” (Well, that seems pretty obvious there.)
  • Why are there so many stupid people out there?

 

Chapter 2:

  • Son, don’t be a stupid person.
  • Watch out for assholes and whores. (Seems obvious again.)

 

Chapter 3:

  • Be kind and be true.
  • Trust God, not your own mind. (Then why did God give me a mind?)
  • Do what is right and God will give you lots of stuff.
  • Do what is wrong and God will beat you like a redheaded stepchild.
  • It’s good to be smart.
  • If you can help someone, do it.
  • Don’t pick a fight without cause.
  • Don’t admire murderers. (So everyone stop holding up David as a role model, please.)

 

Chapter 4:

  • When I was your age, my dad told me to get smart.
  • Now I’m telling you to get smart too.
  • Guard your heart.
  • Don’t lie.
  • Live mindfully.

 

Chapter 5:

  • Seriously, kid, watch out for whores. We don’t have condoms and we don’t bathe regularly. You’re going to get an STD.
  • Buy yourself a nice girl and be happy with her boobs.

 

Chapter 6:

  • Don’t cosign loans.
  • Work hard, don’t be lazy.
  • Wicked men… use signals like in baseball? Okay…
  • God hates the following: Pride, lies, murder, evildoers, perjury, and people who sow discord
  • I mean it, damn it, stay away from whores and adulteresses. (Geez, dude, you’d think with 1000 wives, you wouldn’t think about whores so much…)

 

Chapter 7:

  • Seriously, boy, the whores… watch out for the whores. Such beautiful, slutty whores with their honeyed lips and makeup and perfumes… intoxicating perfumes and their high thread count Egyptian linens… willing to do anything for a shekel… mmmm… that’s right… call me a naughty boy… er… anyway, watch out for those whores, kid.

 

Chapter 8:

  • Wisdom is out there calling for people, but they’re too stupid to notice her.

 

Chapter 9:

  • If you try to correct an asshole, he’s just going to be a dick about it.
  • If you try to correct a wise man, he’ll thank you.
  • Whores are dumb, kid, out there calling you into their bedrooms, enticing you with their secret pleasures… so naughty… yeah… oh, uh… watch out for the whores.

Postcards from the Post-Apocalypse


“Nearly three centuries after the Great Collapse, in 307 AGC, many of the learned within the Church lobbied the Holy Father for permission to go to the great ruins and search for holy texts, art, and vestiges from the ruined cities. These bits from the Precursors often provided spiritual guidance and enlightening bits of knowledge that spoke to our shared experience with the ancestors. Many of the brethren became spiritually zealous for these relics and founded religious orders based on these saints and artifacts.

Perhaps the most curious and short-lived of these orders was the Holy Order of the Fighters of Foo, whose founder Brother Benedict leapt from a cliff to his demise after becoming convinced that mankind had once learned to fly. Later monks determined that this sacred text was meant to be taken figuratively.”

– Citation from “A History of the Church, Vol. 11 by Fr. Mickey of the Ecclesiastical Order of St. Disney

The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 136-150


Chapter 136:

Give thanks to the Lord, because his love is great and everlasting. He proved his great love by creating the world, killing all the first born of Egypt… killing… Pharaoh… and his army… helping us… genocide… uh… he feeds everything… for the most part… but his love is everlasting.

 

Chapter 137:

In exile in Babylon, we were sad about what happened to Jerusalem and Judah. The Babylonians wanted us to sing, but how could we sing songs in Babylon? I’ll never forget Jerusalem. Oh, and kill those Edomites who wanted Jerusalem destroyed. And how blessed the people will be who destroy Babylon and smash the cute little skulls of Babylonian infants and children.

 

Chapter 138:

David: I say thanks to God for helping me and delivering me from my enemies and oh, God, haven’t I written this exact song like 60,000 times already?

 

Chapter 139:

David: Hey, God, you know everything about me. I can’t hide from you. If I go to the stars, you’re there. If I go to the grave, you’re there too. You made me. You watched me grow from a single cell organism into a human being and you know how many days I will live. Also, I really wish you’d kill those guys over there because they’re jerks. I hate all the people you hate.

God: I don’t really hate anyone, you know…

David: Those jerks are totally my enemies because you hate them. So, look in me and see if I’m sinning and take me to eternal life.

 

Chapter 140:

David: Bad guys are trying to kill me. Please set them on fire. Amen.

 

Chapter 141:

David: Dear God, please listen to me. Help me not to do evil, like those bastards over there who really deserve some smiting, unlike me who should walk in safety. Amen.

 

Chapter 142:

Oh, look… another song from David about how miserable his life is and how God should help him out. What a surprise.

 

Chapter 143:

David asks God to listen to him, because… three guesses… yeah, someone is being mean to him. He longs for God’s presence and deliverance and for God to totally crush and destroy his enemies.

 

Chapter 144:

Hey, you’ll never, ever guess what this psalm of David is about? Oh, you did guess. Well, he also throws in a part asking God to give them stuff and happiness.

 

Chapter 145:

God is great, yo. He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, loving, good, and merciful, regardless of what you may have read in the Pentateuch or the historical books… The Lord sustains the fallen and the oppressed. He feeds the hungry. God will keep those who love him, but kill those who don’t. Bless the Lord.

 

Chapter 146:

Praise the Lord. Don’t trust in governments or people, because they die. Trust instead in an invisible God you can’t have a conversation with.

 

Chapter 147:

Everyone praise God because He is faithful to Israel. He brings back the exiles and builds up Jerusalem. He provides rain for our crops. Food for the wild beasts. Bread for us. He really loves Israel over all the other nations. Amen.

 

Chapter 148:

Everyone praise the Lord. Yes, everyone.

 

Chapter 149:

All Israel, praise the Lord. Rejoice and be proud as we cut down the foreigners around us and enslave and execute their people and noble. It is our honor to do so. Praise the Lord!

 

Chapter 150:

Praise the Lord. Break out the instruments and praise the Lord!

The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 120-135


Chapter 120:

I call to God when I’m in trouble and he answers me. Deliver me from liars and warmongers.

 

Chapter 121:

God is our helper and keeper. He will protect us from all evil.

Job: Wrong!

 

Chapter 122:

David: I was really happy when they said to go to the Temple. Jerusalem is God’s favorite city. You will be blessed if you love it (and me) as much as God does. This is not a self-serving song at all. Totally.

 

Chapter 123:

We look to God as a slave looks to their master pleading with them for good things.

 

Chapter 124:

David: God helped us to crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women.

 

Chapter 125:

If you trust in God, you will not be moved. God will surround you.

Bless those who are good, O Lord, and destroy the evil.

 

Chapter 126:

Hey, God brought us back from the exile that he sent us to. Praise God.

 

Chapter 127:

Solomon: Unless God is behind your endeavor, it won’t happen. Also, have lots of kids if you want to be happy. My father David had lots of kids and look how happy he was with Ammon and Absalom and Adonijah… I’m the wisest man on Earth everyone!

 

Chapter 128:

If you fear God and do what he says, you’ll be blessed.

Job: Ahem…

Uh… okay, uh.. also, peach be to Israel.

Jews: Yeah, that worked out well too.

 

Chapter 129:

There’s a lot of anti-Semitism out there. People really seem to hate us.

So, how about you put those Nazis to shame, O Lord and punish them for their sins?

 

Chapter 130:

Hey, God, we’re sinners and things are going really crappy right now, so please forgive us and save us, okay? Thanks. Bye.

 

Chapter 131:

David: O Lord, I’m not a proud man and I try not to think about things. I just hang out and hope for the best with You. This explains a lot about why people are always trying to overthrow my government.

 

Chapter 132:

We’re going to the Temple. Lord, remember what you said to David about setting his throne up forever.

God: Yeah, I did say that, but it didn’t happen.

Oh… well… uh… we mean, do you remember how you said that if David’s sons would obey you wholeheartedly, you’d establish their throne forever.

God: No, I was pretty clear. The promise to David was unconditional. I just had this thing over in Sagittarius B. Big thing. Messy. Lots of… well, you wouldn’t understand.

Surely God said He would abide in Zion forever and bless her and destroy her enemies.

 

Chapter 133:

David: How blessed it is for brothers to live together in harmony.

Absalom: We would, if he didn’t rape my sister.

Ammon: Seriously, it was the one time. Stop holding a grudge.

Absalom: You didn’t even pay dad the 50 shekels of silver!

Ammon: You borrowed my Whitesnake album and didn’t return it!

Absalom: I am so going to kill you and steal dad’s throne!

David: Sigh…

 

Chapter 134:

Hey, all of you on the night shift watching the gates, God bless you.

 

Chapter 135:

Everyone sing praises to Yahweh. He’s much better than the other gods. He makes it rain and blows the wind on us. Oh, plus, He totally killed lots of Egyptians and animals. And He helped us genocide super good.

Those other gods are just silver and gold. Our God is invisible. Which is so much better.

So everyone praise the Lord!

The TL:DR Bible – Psalm 119


Chapter 119:

Aleph is for Alephant

How happy you’ll be if you walk in the law of God (because you won’t be stoned to death.)

How happy you’ll be if you seek God with all your heart.

Job: Wrong!

I hope I keep the law because being stoned to death would suck.

 

Beth is for Bethany Cooper whom I had a crush on the 2nd grade

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to the law (so he’ll know not to fornicate, but to buy a young girl as a concubine instead)

Oh, Lord, keep me in your law, I tell everyone of your ordinances, including the 2,000 chapters on interior decorating your tent in Leviticus.

I will meditate and delight in your law… or just kind of ignore it and pretend I know what’s in there and that it’s all good and consistent with a loving God and not at least partially the product of Bronze Age culture.

 

Gimel is for… uh… he was the rival of Macy’s Department store, right?

Okay, I live and keep your word, you’re law is awesome, wonderful, perfect, I’m obsessed with it…

Yeah, now I’m really sure  he hasn’t read any of it. I remember my trek through those books. 80% of it was mind-numbingly dull, 15% was horrid, and 5% was actually pretty good and progressive for its time.

 

Daleth is for… Dr. Who villains

I was down, but you can revive me by your word. Teach me your law. I really need to know in precise detail the many, many ways you want animal exterminated. Exterminated.

 

He is for that guy over there.

Teach me your law, it’s so good and wonderful and this is not at all sounding like a guy who’s sucking up to the author when it’s evident he hasn’t read the book.

 

Vav is for Vavoline motor oil… 

I obey and teach and really love your commandments. The part of slavery gets me right here every time.

 

Zayin is for Goku, the world’s first super Zayin.

Your law gives me comfort even though things are crap.

 

Heth is for Beth’s male twin. We really wanted rhyming names

The Lord is the only thing I truly care about. His law is super double-plus good. And I only hang out with guys who also want to hump this book.

 

Teth is for Im-O-Teth, the mummy…

You’ve been good to me, God, helping me keep your law. Before you beat me, I was just out there doing my own thing and having fun, but now I stone people who pick up firewood on Saturdays.

 

Yodh is for a little green Jedi Master who lives on Dagobah.

Seriously, I will hike up my robes and go to town on this book right now, O Lord.

 

Kaph is one that I can’t think of a pun for…

Seriously, I lie in bed at night thinking of the words of your law. The thick bold pen strokes… the smell of papyrus… I wonder when you will comfort me.

Oh, and because this is a psalm, lots of people are out to get me and kill me, so help me with those assholes, please.

 

Lamedh is what Mary had for dinner after she got tired of that dumb sheep stalking her everywhere.

If it wasn’t for how much I love your law, I would have given up all hope and let those men kill me. You complete me, book. You complete me.

 

Mem is for Mom spoken with a speech impediment.

Your law is so great, I’m smarter than all my teachers with their facts and science nonsense.

Your law tastes really sweet in my mouth…. Good night, everybody!

 

Nun is for those stuck in a habit

I really love your law. Also remember the bad guys. Do something about them, please. But I’m super cool and have kept all of your law, unlike Jerry over there who wears polyester with wool blends. Bloody heathen.

 

Samekh is for “Really, underneath our clothes and skin, aren’t we all really the samekh?”

I really hate the heathen, but I love your laws. And again… bad guys over there… help?

 

Ayin is for a really bad author who ended up living off of the welfare state. Yes, fanboys, look it up. And fuck John Galt.

Hey, God, I’m super cool. I’m kind of dating your law, so could you please help me out with those guys over there trying to kill me. Sorry to keep mentioning it, but I ran out of things to say 121 verses ago.

 

Pe is for… you figure it out.

Your law is wonderful, especially the bits about stoning rape victims because they lived in a city. Before your law, I wouldn’t have known who to kill.

 

Tsadhe is for an old pervy French noble who was into whips…

He really loves the freaking law. I get it.

 

Qoph is for the vaccine you should get for whooping qoph.

I keep crying out to you and you don’t answer. So I’m crying out some more.

 

Resh is something you should consult a dermatologist about

Help me out and your law is totally good. Bats ARE birds if you say so, O Lord.

 

Shin… these all sound like words that might be splashed across the screen as sound effects on the old Batman TV show.

QOPH! SHIN! TSADHE!

He has enemies he wants God to take care of and he’s currently making sweet, sweet love to Deuteronomy.

 

Tav is for tavern, where all parties must eventually go to pick up their next quest

Hey, has this guy mentioned how much he loves the law?

The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 111-118


Chapter 111:

God is super cool. Everyone sing songs about Him.

 

Chapter 112:

If you honor God, your life will be super awesome.

Job: Wrong!

 

Chapter 113:

Everyone sing songs to God because he’s super cool. He helps the poor and the childless.

 

Chapter 114:

Hey, everyone, remember when God brought us out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea and brought water out of a rock? Yeah… that was cool.

 

Chapter 115:

Hey, God, could you help us out in battle? Not for our own sake so we can get plunder and slaves, but for your name’s sake! Really.  So those other nations don’t talk smack about you.  Their gods are dumb. They’re pretty dumb for worshipping a hunk of rock or wood or bronze instead of worshipping an invisible deity that we’re super sure is really there.  So everyone trust in God and sing songs to him because we won’t be singing songs to him when we’re all dead. Amen?

 

Chapter 116:

I love God because he saved my life. I was in a bind and God helped me out after I called to him. He’s pretty cool. So what should I do for him? I’ll keep praying to him and drink in his honor and do all the things I promised him I’d do if he helped me. Guess I’m becoming a priest now and heading off to Africa as a missionary…

 

Chapter 117:

Everyone praise the Lord.

 

Chapter 118:

Everyone praise the Lord.

I was suffering, and God delivered me, so I’m smug with my enemies. God is on my side, after all. Though the nations surrounded me, I’m going to slaughter every last one of those bastards.  With God’s help, I’m going to wipe them out… all of them. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

So the righteous rejoice. I was mostly dead, but God saved me.

Stones. Yeah, a stone no one liked was super important… Everyone rejoice!  (I think David might have been doing  too much rejoicing at this point.)

O Lord, save us and give us lots of money and stuff…

Tie that sacrifice onto the altar… (Uh… yeah, I’m definitely going with too much rejoicing…)

Everyone praise the Lord…