KC: ICE Angel… ICE Angel… Please be mine…


Before we can get to Kat’s meeting with Chloe, we jump back over to Abdullah who lets his zombie not-wife know that Jesus finally told him the plan. He’s supposed to go see the people of The Other Light and love them unconditionally.

This would have all been cleared up with a phone call or an email weeks ago.

Chloe Steele Williams pulled a sheet from the file folder and handed it to Ekaterina Risto, watching carefully for a response. The young woman squinted and seemed to be reading quickly. She appeared unable to speak.

“You know we’re fair here,” Chloe said. “I would like your side of this.”

Chloe says this right before she demonstrates that she already believes the bad report and isn’t interested in hearing Kat’s side.

“…But this says she has talked with me about these problems. Problems I didn’t even know I had. I don’t remember her talking with me about them at all. In fact, we haven’t talked, except for normal chitchat while working, for days.”

“Now, Ekaterina. These are summaries of your discussions. About your being tardy, taking too long of breaks, leaving early, being hard to find when team chores are scheduled, sitting with Kenny at the Noah appearance without permission, disagreeing with her in front of the staff.”

See, I have this piece of paper and I’m not interested in finding out whether or not it’s true. I just assume the worst of you, kid, because apparently despite being a zombie, I’m still an asshole.

“Is it possible for me to talk with her personally?”

“Face your accuser, you mean?”

“I guess.”

“But it appears you two have talked quite a bit, and your behavior has not changed.”

Really? Because Kat says they haven’t talked and you haven’t even followed up with her supervisor. Seems like the thing to do before you accuse someone of being a bad employee based solely on a piece of paper that just showed up on your desk this morning.

But finally Chloe decides to talk with Mattie, Kat’s supervisor and try to clear the matter up. If only there were an omniscient deity that was everywhere and could communicate telepathically with his zombie followers who could tell Chloe the truth and who actually wrote the report, but then we’d miss out on so much pointless drama.

“I am to speak on Jesus’ behalf,” Abdullah said. “Say what He would say if He encountered these people.”

“But the Bible foretells how Jesus will deal with His enemies at the end of the Millennium,” Yasmine said. “There will be no mercy, no patience.

But God is love and love is patient and kind… I guess unless you cross it and then love is pain and torture and lots of burning fire.

Chloe had long loved Mattie Cleveland. She was tall with short sandy hair and laughing eyes.

Hmm… do go on, book…

She had been raptured and returned at the Glorious Appearing, immediately gravitating toward children.

Disappointing on so many levels…

“Hey, Chloe,” she said as she entered. And as soon as she noticed Ekaterina, she said, “Kat! How’s my favorite new aide? Why the long face?”

“Your report,” Ekaterina said as the three sat.

“Report?”

Chloe handed it to her. Mattie read it with a furrowed brow, then glanced up at Chloe. “Where’d you get this?”

“It was in my box at the end of the day yesterday.”

“Forged.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Wholly made up. I’ve never seen it, didn’t write it, never had these conversations with Kat. Don’t know a thing about it. She sat with Kenny with my permission, and as for the rest of it, totally fabricated. I’ve been watching this one from the first day to make sure she’s not too good to be true. I couldn’t ask for a better worker.”

And  I bet you feel really bad for being an asshole to Kat earlier, right, Chloe?

Chloe sat studying both women. “Then why does she want to be transferred out of your area?”

Oh, right. You’re an asshole.

So Kat tells Mattie that she really wants to Jesus more with the kids instead of sportsball and Mattie says, “Hey, you can Jesus more during sportsball.” And that makes Kat happy enough to stay.

“I’d love that, but how does that address the Qasim issue?”

“I noticed he was on your case a lot, but I couldn’t tell whether you found it annoying or charming, so I left it alone. He bothers you, I’ll put him in his place. How’s that?”

You do not cross Zombie Coach. Also Zombie Coach stinks at recognizing sexual harassment. Maybe it’s time to fire guy with history of sexual harassment.

Also, later, Kat will completely forget this situation when she gets an email telling her that er boyfriend is evil and automatically believes it without giving him a chance to explain.

“Whoever pulled this prank—and there’s no way they thought they could get away with it; I mean, how long did they think it would take me to check with you, Mattie?

Well, judging from how you were talking to Kat five minutes ago… probably never. They figured you’d never talk to Mattie.

It’s a lie, it defames someone, and it evidences someone who is not showing the love of Christ.

Oh, if only there were an omniscient deity who could communicate with you telepathically and solve this mystery!

Meanwhile, we go back to Rayford and his friends… Hi, Bruce’s unnamed zombie wife. I’m going to call you Tammy. Because I was watching Parks and Rec last night.

The preachers pulled no punches. They warned that God would again strike their land if they chose to ignore him. But they also thrilled the masses with the promises of the Lord.

“LOVE ME! BREATHE ME! LIVE ENTIRELY FOR ME AND I PROMISE NOT TO SET YOU ON FIRE FOREVER!”

He sounds nice.

Tsion Ben-Judah was holding forth one cool evening, telling a crowd of thousands, “Thus says the Lord of Hosts: ‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Thoughts of setting you on fire forever if you don’t do exactly what I say…

You shall fear the Lord your God and serve Him, and shall take oaths in His name.

Didn’t Jesus say don’t take oaths? Literally, he said don’t take oaths. Say yes or no and do it. And anything more than that is from the evil one.

Do Christians not read their bibles or do they just not notice the contradictions?

“ ‘For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth,

God does not know how the water cycle works. Yes, the rains and the snows return to the sky in the form of water vapor. It’s almost like an omniscient deity didn’t write the bible but some asshole who failed elementary school science did.

But it’s a particularly nice day-night so after Tsion is done unintentionally convincing me of atheism, they decide to camp out and tell stories.

Finally Tsion said, “Rayford, do you realize where we are?”

“I do, old friend. We’re not far from where you came through on your flight from Israel so many years ago. Tell the story. I don’t believe Mac and Bruce or the ladies have heard it.”

Or not. That story wasn’t exciting 10 books ago and it’s not going to be exciting here. You can almost hear Jerry Jenkins thinking, “PAGE FILLER! I NEED MORE PAGE FILLER HERE!”

“Well, okay. I had made my position clear on international television from Jerusalem that I, a rabbinical scholar, had come to the conclusion that all the prophecies of the Bible that pertained to the coming Messiah were fulfilled in the man Jesus. You can imagine the outcry. My family was slaughtered, and I was chased from the country.

I mean, I’m not an expert on Judaism or Jewish people, but it’s been my experience that when a Jewish person says, “I’m converting to Christianity!” most of his friends and family do not jump straight to murder as a reaction.

Tsion says how Cameron bought an old bus, and they drove from Israel to Egypt where a border station stopped them and a guard name Anis searched the van and found Tsion.

“He whispered hoarsely to me through clenched teeth in Hebrew, ‘You had better be who I think you are, or you are a dead man.’ What could I do? There was no more hiding, no hope in pretending I wasn’t there. I said to him, ‘Young man, my name is Tsion Ben-Judah.’

“Still holding my shirt in his fist and with his flashlight blinding me, he said, ‘Rabbi Ben-Judah, my name is Anis. Pray as you have never prayed before that my report will be believed. And now may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace.’ As God is my witness, the young man stood and walked out of the bus. I lay there praising God with my tears until Cameron reboarded and drove away.”

“The strange thing was, I never found out whether the young Anis was an angel or a man, but I know he was sent from God.”

Chaim said, “I suspect that he was otherworldly, because much later I saw him outside the Garden Tomb—the same young man. Could it have been coincidence that he was assigned twice where our paths would intersect?”

“It was no accident,” came a new voice, causing Rayford and the others to jerk around. Standing just outside their shelter, the moon illuminating him and the fire dancing on his cheeks, was a man in silhouette. “I was your rear guard that night,” he said, “just as I am on this mission.”

And with that his image faded, and Rayford and the others fell on their faces, praising and thanking God.

Whooooooa… so let me get this straight… this angel got sent to Earth by God, joined the One World Government border patrol around Israel and hung out on this one road for God knows how long chatting with his partner and acting human until Buck and Tsion show up in an old bus. And then the angel doesn’t even know who Tsion is and threatens to murder him if he’s not Tsion and then tells Tsion to pray to God that his human partner believes the angel when he says the bus is empty and then after their gone, he what? Puts in his two week notice? Keeps playing border patrol guard until Jesus shows up?

None of this makes any sense and could also be much more of an interesting story than anything Jerry has actually written so far:

The Adventures of Anis, Border Patrol Angel.

Where is that book?

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KC: HR’s Mandatory Sexual Harassment Training Session


Noah has left the building and gone to do… whatever stuff he does… probably drink to deal with his PTSD from watching God murder the entire Earth and leave him on a boat for over a year.

Kenny tried to get them to fashion model arks and line up toy animals,

“No, children, more dead floating babies and crying women clawing at the door to the ark!”

And to think that other heroes of the faith were scheduled! Fortunately, no one knew when.

There is no partiality with God… unless you’re on the VIP list.

Ekaterina was no less wired as they walked home, unabashedly holding hands now, even in front of others.

Her College Group leader will be taking her aside to lecture her about purity and modesty and how she natural desires are sinful and wicked.

Kenny knew the news of their being an item would soon get around.

“Hey, Jerry? What are the kids using these days to say when their sweet on each other? ‘Being an item’? Nailed it!”

We shift over to Abdullah where he realizes that it’s time to seriously seek the Lord. Somehow, despite Jesus being on the Earth in a location where they know He lives, this does not involve calling Jesus up on the phone and saying, “Hey, Lord? Yeah, Abdullah here. You had an assignment for me in Jordan, right? Yeah, that’s me. Anyway, could you maybe just tell me what the assignment is? Oh… wow… okay, you know that makes a lot more sense when you just tell me instead of sending me vague telepathic commands. Ha… yeah, I flew to Europe to try to get answers…”

Meanwhile Kenny gets together with Raymie… (Jesus, what is it with the ‘E’ endings for names?) and says Qasim spilled the beans to Kat about… God, I don’t fucking care… this is like listening to Junior High gossip.

“He told her everything?” Raymie said, clearly piqued.

Kenny nodded solemnly. “I mean, she can be trusted. We’re going together now, and I trust her.”

“Going together? Since when?”

“Last night.”

“You know there are things you won’t be able to tell her, just because Qasim seems to have a big mouth.”

“I will keep all confidences, but of course the day may come when I would want to nominate her for inclusion into the Force.”

“Kenny, please. I’ve got half a mind to disband the whole thing. It’s getting out of control.

Yeah! It’s out of control! We’ve had… meetings! And… more meetings! God… all the meetings. It’s too much, I tells ya! Too much! It has to stop before people find out about the meetings!

“Hold on. I thought you said you and she were going together.”

“Right, well, their date sort of brought things to a head.”

“So last night she was out with him, and since last night she’s going with you.”

“I know how that sounds.”

“Apparently you don’t.

Raymie slut-shames Kat.

How dare a young lady go on dinner dates with more than one fella! It’s unheard of, I tells ya! Next they’ll be wearing pants and demanding the sufferage!

Fuck you, Raymie.

Raymie decides it’s time for him to tell Qasim to get lost though.

“And what if I hear from the Jospins?”

“What if you do?”

“If Qasim can be believed, they think I’m with them and working covertly at COT. Should I try to string them along?”

Raymie shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t like it. How hard would it be for them to learn how tight you are with your parents, who run the place? And what are you going to say if they ask about Qasim?”

Wasn’t the entire point of the Junior God Squad to infiltrate the Satanists and work against them? And now that the Satanists might want to talk to Kenny, Raymie is like, “Oh no, I don’t know… that might mean we have to do something besides meetings and that’s just crazy talk.”

Raymie is literally every Evangelical I’ve ever worked on a committee with.

As far as what you’d say about Qasim… well, if you want to be straightforward and convincing, I’d say, “Fuck that asshole. He tried to steal the girl I love.”

The Ekaterina Kenny walked to work Monday morning was not the same one he walked home at the end of the day. The first was her bubbly, affectionate self who said her parents had noticed their affection for each other and were most excited. The latter Ekaterina was glum.

Ladies, always be smiling. It’s what your man wants. You are not allowed to have normal human emotions.

Kenny asks what’s bothering her.

“Oh, it’s just Qasim. I teased him about missing the biggest day COT ever had, and all he wanted was to keep bugging me about going out with him again.”

Wait, so it’s literally been less than 24 hours and Qasim will not leave you alone and keeps harassing you for dates even though you’ve made your intentions clear?

That’s sexual harassment.

I know Evangelicals don’t believe in sexual harassment, but that is definitely sexual harassment.

“I told him about us, of course. He couldn’t believe that could have happened so fast. He accused you of moving in on him, undercutting him as soon as you heard about our date. I assured him I had been friends with you before him and that we hadn’t even realized how we felt about each other until later.”

“I can’t blame him for being disappointed, Kat. I was too, when I heard you were going out with him.”

“I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and now I’ve got two fighting over me.”

No, you’ve got on boyfriend and one creepy ass dude sexually harassing you. It’s time to call HR.

“Well, when my mother talks to you about the transfer, that might be a good thing to mention. You can’t be trying to work with someone who’s upset with you.”

Sexual harassment, Kenny. It’s sexual harassment. Creating a hostile work environment.

“That’s just it, Kenny. I can’t remember the last time I was out of sorts with a brother in Christ…”

Really? Because I used to go to church all the time and there were people who hated each other’s guts, gossips, backstabbing, and church politics. If you’re all normals and not zombies, seems like churches would be full of arguments. Especially if Jesus is hiding in the Temple and not saying shit.

“You want me to talk to my mother?”

“No! Kenny! How would that look?”

Like a manager who just found out that one of his employees is being sexually harassed and is taking steps to protect her and deal with the situation.

Seriously, do you guys not get sexual harassment?

But now we leave Kat because Kenny gets an email from the Jospins saying “Hi, Hail Satan, send us all your spy info.”

Kenny says, “Give me some time.”

And that’s the end of that, because God forbid anything really happen in this book.

But Kenny gets a phone call from Bahira who says her brother is upset and Kenny has to tell her about how Raymie kicked Qasim out of the Jr. God Squad that he wasn’t really a part of anyway, and now Zaki is pissed off, even though he’s an undead zombie Christian and should be above this shit. So I’m still not getting how all of this works. How is a zombie Christian different from a regular one aside from being asexual and not aging? I wish this fucking book would explain it. I mean, I understand none of this stuff about glorification makes sense if you think about it, but at least try. Try to build some rules. Try to define some attributes.

Sigh… just… TRY, DAMN IT!

Anyway, it’s the next day now and Chloe is going to talk to Kat about her transfer request because now Chloe has gotten a bad report from someone about Kat and Jesus, it’s obviously from Qasim, the guy who has been sexually harassing her, but the book is going to insult our intelligence for the next God only knows how many chapters and try to make this seem like a mystery.

…But I do need to talk with you about a work report on you from your supervisor.”

“Mattie? She sent a report on me? A good one, I hope. We’ve gotten along great.”

“Actually, it’s a troubling one, Ekaterina.”

Duh duh Duuuuuuuuuuuh… Drama! Except not. And I don’t care. Fuck you, book.

KC: Clap Harder


The story of Noah starts.

Now, children, I may not look like I lived 950 years. That is because, when God granted me my glorified body, he set me back to midlife and the relatively spry age of just five hundred, when I was married and the father of three sons. Why did we live so long back then? For the same reason you will live long. The world actually exists now, as it did then, under a canopy of water that blocks the most harmful effects of the sun. When that condition no longer existed, life spans were greatly reduced, as history shows.

If you didn’t grow up in Evangelical Fundamentalist circles, you might not be familiar with the water canopy theory.

The theory basically says that God stuck a bunch of water vapor around the Earth and therefore people could live to be almost a 1,000 years old and that’s where God got all of the water from when he decided to flood the Earth.

It is, of course, a crock of shit.

First, let us look at atmospheric pressure. For the earth’s atmosphere, the pressure is almost exactly hydrostatic, since it is held to the earth by gravity and velocities are too low to significantly change the pressure. In plain language this means that the air pressure at any point is equal to the weight of the air in a unit area column above that point. At sea level, air pressure in US engineering units is about 14.5 pounds/sq inch because a column of air one inch square extending to the top of the atmosphere weighs (Guess what!?) 14.5 pounds. On top of Mt. Everest, the pressure is lower because the lowest and densest 9km of the atmosphere is below that point.

Now the “vapor canopy” would form a part of the atmosphere, being a body of gas (water vapor) gravitationally held to the earth. It would in fact be most of the pre-flood atmosphere. There would have to be enough vapor to form 9km of liquid, when condensed, and, therefore the vapor would weigh as much as 9km of water. The pressure at the earth’s surface, where Noah and family lived, would be equal to one atmosphere PLUS the weight of a 9km column of water of unit area. This is equivalent to the pressure 9km deep in the ocean. What is this pressure?       Well, each 10m of water is roughly equivalent to one atmosphere, so the pressure would be 900 atmospheres. The atmosphere would also have a composition of about 900 parts water vapor to one part of what we call air today.

How could an atmosphere almost 100% water vapor not condense? The temperature would have to be raised to the point where the partial pressure of water equals 900 atmospheres, i.e. the boiling point at that pressure.     So we find Noah et al. living in a 13,000psi boiler. Is this credible?

No, it’s not credible. But it’s meant to sound credible enough to keep you from thinking about the problems of the theory and settle back into your doubt-free belief in fairy tales.

But did you know that many revere me for something else? No? No one? I was the first to appreciate the juice of the grape as much as the meat, the fruit, of it, and devised a way to pull the liquid from it and make a drink of it

That would be news to the Chinese who were fermenting wine as early as 7000 BCE, but do go on…

You are too young for wine just yet, and one of my great regrets is that I embarrassed myself because of it as well. Worse, I sinned against God and humiliated myself, and this was after proving my faithfulness through obedience.

And then you cursed your grandson because his father saw your dick. True story.

“Like me, men began to have many children, especially because we were all living so long. The earth was growing with more and more people. This may be hard for some of you to understand, but during that time disobedient, fallen angels were banished from heaven and lived among men on the earth. They married human women against the will and law of God.

Yes, they really believe this. And if God really didn’t want angels to get freaky with human women, it seems like he could have done something about it. Also, this entire bullshit story of angel-human sex producing giants comes from the book of Enoch where God decides to kill off the giants and humans together because the angels taught people about metal working and makeup.

Why do people believe this?

God saw that most of the world was filled with wicked men and women, and He decided to give them only 120 years to see their need for Him, or He would wipe them off the face of the earth. The Lord said, ‘My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh.’

Somehow the omnipotent, omniscient God of the universe never realized that people would turn out to be stupid prats. Also, when He did figure it out, why didn’t He just pop in to Earth and say, “Hey, assholes! Knock it off or I’m going to murder you with fire and snakes”?

“So the Lord said, ‘I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, creeping thing and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them.’

Maybe you should have known about that and done something so that humanity didn’t turn out to be assholes? No? Okay then.

But, children, somehow I, Noah, found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Now notice that I did not say that God found in me any good thing that made me worthy. I believed in Him, that He was the Creator and my Sovereign and my only Savior from sin. I humbled myself before Him and pledged faithfulness and obedience. That is all we can do.

Noah is humble bragging. No, no, there was nothing special about me. I just chose the right religion and was totally faithful to God! I’m not that special.

“Somehow God saw me as just, and I walked with Him. But the earth was corrupt and filled with violence. One day He said to me, ‘The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make yourself an ark of gopherwood; make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and outside with pitch.’ ”

God complains about violence being everywhere on the Earth. His solution? I’m going to kill every last motherfucker down here!

The girl nodded and Noah continued. “And the Lord told me how to make the ark. He said its length should be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. Who knows what a cubit is?”

Several children tried to answer at once, convincing Rayford that they had recently been taught. Noah singled one out, who said, “The distance from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow of a grown man.”

The all-knowing God decides not to introduce the metric system to humanity and instead rely on inaccurate measurements.

Also, there is no way you could fit every species of animal into a boat that small.

“God said, ‘Behold, I Myself am bringing floodwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall die.’

“Can you imagine how that made me feel? I was grateful that I had found grace in His eyes, but it is a fearful thing to see almighty God at the end of His patience and mercy with all of mankind. It soon became clear that I and my family were to be the only humans left.

Really, Noah? You had no neighbors that you sort of liked? No one you’d say, “Hey, God, how about you don’t kill Shemech over there. He’s cool, dude!”

“ ‘And of every living thing of all flesh you shall bring two of every sort into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female. Of the birds after their kind, of animals after their kind, and of every creeping thing of the earth after its kind, two of every kind will come to you to keep them alive.

The kangaroos must have built a boat and sailed up from Australia. Where is there story?

Many have retold this story over the generations, leaving the impression that forty days and forty nights of solid rain was enough to cover the entire the earth. But the truth is that all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, besides the windows of heaven being opened. The water came from above and below!

And where did it all go then? Aliens? I bet it was aliens.

“My family and I were on that ark with every beast after its kind, all cattle after their kind, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, every bird of every sort, two by two, of all flesh in which was the breath of life, male and female of all flesh.

And somehow the carnivores didn’t tear through that buffet like hungry Americans.

Well, as you might imagine, all flesh died that moved on the earth: birds and cattle and beasts and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, and every man

And puppies and kitties and babies. Lots and lots of dead babies floating everywhere. Could have made a raft with all the little corpses. God is love!

While I was relieved and grateful that somehow I had found favor in His eyes, imagine how lonely we felt, knowing that at the end of this, we would be the fathers of all the generations yet to come.

Also, all the incest. Just all this crazy sister-fucking, niece fucking, granddaughter fucking incest.

Then God spoke to me, saying, ‘Go out of the ark, you and your wife, and your sons and your sons’ wives with you. Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you: birds and cattle and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, so that they may abound on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth.’

And all of the predators agreed to be good sports and go hungry for another year until the herbivores could produce a sustainable ecosystem that could endure their predations! Hooray!

Also, the kangaroos took the ark back to Australia, but swung by Antarctica to drop off the penguins!

Then I built an altar to the Lord and offered burnt offerings to Him.

Yes, kids, I made the unicorns extinct. In hindsight, I should have waited until they had a baby or two before I offered them as burnt offerings to the Lord.

He said, ‘I will never again curse the ground for man’s sake, although the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; nor will I again destroy every living thing as I have done. While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, and day and night shall not cease.’

Then later, He said, “Hahaha… yeah, I’m just fucking with you. I’m totally going to destroy the Earth again with fire.”

Also, thanks, dickhead author of Genesis for giving conservatives this verse so they wouldn’t believe in Climate Change even though this whole fucking story is about a radical instance of climate change.

It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.

Also, Leprechauns will store their pots of gold at the end of them!

So Noah gives an altar call and leaves thanking God for using him to save people from God.

KC: How does this world work exactly?


“Cameron sang and prayed as he strolled the grounds…”

If you don’t keep telling Jesus how wonderful He is, He might forget.

The entire Home for Orphaned Children Whose Parents Were Killed by Jesus is excited about Noah showing up. All except Qasim who took the day off.

(Que Horror Music)

Cameron turned at the sound of an engine and saw a van pulling onto the property a hundred yards away. As he squinted into the rising sun, he followed the cloud of dust until the vehicle skidded up next to him and the tinted driver’s window lowered.

“We’re lookin’ for the circus, buddy,” Mac McCullum said. “We in the right place?”

“Hush, Mac,” Irene called out from a backseat. “Cam, I called Chloe on the way in, and she’s already started on breakfast. She said we’d find you out here, but I’ve got to get back and help her. Hop in.”

A woman’s place remains firmly in the kitchen, even if she is a glorified undead zombie living in utopia.

Meanwhile, Kenny meets the parents of his new girlfriend and then they ditch her parents to go eat with his zombie ones.

“So this relationship is new just since we’ve left?” Rayford said, leaning past Chloe to taste her baked vegetable casserole.

“It’s not even a relationship, Dad, as far as I know. They barely know each other, though I think Kenny could be sweet on her if given the chance. When I called him, he said she was walking with him to work this morning, that’s all. I told him to bring her along.”

Anyone else think it’s kind of weird and creepy that we’re talking about a pair of 80-90 year old humans who are being infantilized by their families and treated like dumb kids? I get that people age more slowly now, but these aren’t kids. Even if their brains and bodies developed more slowly so they have to be 100 before the process is complete, they still have 80 to 90 years of life experience and knowledge up in their brains. They should be independent already.

It’s just weird to think of an 80 year-old living at home and complaining about his curfew or that his parents don’t like his music or that Qasim called and said that Mary Murphy didn’t like him.

Is that what they’re saying life is like? Just a bunch of nonagenarians hanging out at home playing X-box and reading comic books and going to sock hops?

Even if my brain wasn’t fully developed, I’d still say, “This is bullshit.”

Anyway, they talk about Kat more and how she went out with Qasim once already and I’m honestly surprised they don’t pull her aside and give her a lecture on purity and not causing her brothers to stumble.

But they’re all distracted by Qasim not wanting to hang around and hear Noah because he’s secretly evil.

“You don’t got an older sister, do ya?” Mac said, eyes dancing. “Like about eighty years older?”

Ekaterina threw her head back and laughed. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

Is it still half your age plus 7 in the Millennium? Or are you still a creepy old perv if you try to date a ninety year-old? Is the age of consent 100? Is there an age of consent in Jesus-land?

And isn’t this Jesusland? Shouldn’t we be back under the law where your families negotiated with your bride’s family to buy her with sheep and camels? There was none of this dating for love stuff in the bible. It was all commerce.

I’m saying is that if you want this 90 year-old, Mac, you go to her father and offer him 10 camels.

Alternatively, just rape her and pay her father 50 shekels of silver. It’s cheaper. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 – Yes, that’s in “God’s Perfect Law,” people.)

How are the laws working now? How are people navigating life, relationships, and sex now? How do they deal with the implications that at death or at the end of this 1,000 year period, they’re not going to be in love with their spouse any longer?

What about children? Do couples discuss the ethics of bringing children into the world when they know for certain that they might die at age 100 and burn in hell forever under God’s command? Do some couples use birth control to prevent that possibility? Is God okay with that?

Where is Jesus Christ?

How does this world work?

Everyone arrives at God’s Orphanage for Kids Whose Parents He Murdered, but Noah’s not there yet.

He hadn’t thought of grandstands, but most families brought blankets and began spreading them all over the athletic field. Crowd control was going to be Cameron’s biggest headache. On the other hand, only the children had been invited; he didn’t feel obligated to the rest. They were on their own.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love… unless they weren’t invited and then “fuck ‘em.”

But finally, Noah shows up:

Everybody turned as one and stared toward the main entrance, where a lone figure strode purposefully onto the grounds.

He wore a colorful robe with a wide blue sash, and his white hair and beard contrasted with his robust appearance.

So Noah is perpetually an old man because that’s what he looked like in the Children’s Illustrated Bible Stories? Kind of a raw deal for him. Why doesn’t he get the new hot 30 year-old body that all the rest of the zombies get?

Cameron was struck that there wasn’t a hint of danger to Noah despite his having no entourage or even security…

I’m guessing Cameron forgets he lives in Jesusland because Jesus never goes out in public. Also, Noah is undead. How can he get hurt? Why would he be in danger?

Why does the book keep forgetting basic facts about the world they’ve constructed?

I guess I’ll end here so we can save the tale of God drowning babies, puppies, and kitties for next time.

 

KC: “I hate sand…” edition


I FOUND Qasim hilarious,” Ekaterina reported, plopping herself on Kenny’s couch and declining his offer of grapes. “I’m stuffed. He took me to the Valley Bistro, where you had your meeting.”

“Our meeting?”

“Your Millennium Force meeting. Anyway, it was great. Did you just love it? I did. And Qasim was chivalrous, full of stories, talked a mile a minute—in fact, I feel like I’ve just now caught that from him. Have I? Am I just talking incessantly? Stop me if I am. I don’t mean to be. He wants to see me again. I probably will let him, but I didn’t promise.”

Kenny is being out Nice Guy’ed by Qasim. Oh, no! What’s an incel to do?!?

Kenny’s mind was whirling. He liked the quiet and shy Kat better, and he hated that she seemed so intrigued by Qasim. But her knowing about the Millennium Force troubled him most.

Yes, the “nice guy” likes his women quiet and compliant. Not too much of that talking business and getting ideas in your head, woman.

And he’s upset that she knows about his secret club for not doing anything. I bet she’s going to want to join and then what? Guys can’t spit anymore or walk around the locker room naked. She’s gonna make you wear a towel into the sauna! The sauna!

So Kenny tries the “What’s a Millennium Force?”

And Kat’s not having any of it, saying that she thinks it’s exciting that Qasim is infiltrating the Other Light for… reasons… some sort of reasons. Though no one exactly seems to know what the purpose is. You have the manifesto. You could just go to them and talk about it. Could discuss their questions and doubts with them. You could write and publish your own manifesto rebutting their points and distributing it out via official government channels.

Oh, you’re going to do nothing for most of the book instead?

Yeah, I’m sure that’s cool too.

Kenny stays petulant and jealous until finally, this steamy hookup happens:

“I don’t know. Maybe that instead of giving you a brotherly warning about a guy, I was just being jealous.”

“Jealous of what?”

“Your attention.”

That seemed to stop her. She looked genuinely surprised. “Don’t tease me, Kenny.”

“Tease you?”

“You needn’t be jealous of anyone seeming to have my attention. I’ve wanted your attention since the day we met.”

“Seriously? I’ve been afraid to—”

“I just figured you saw me as too young, too new in the faith, a little flaky because it took me so long to become a believer. I don’t know; maybe you thought I was too immature, hadn’t had enough real ministry experience. Or maybe you just didn’t think of me in, you know, those terms. Attention terms.”

I think we just found someone worse than George Lucas at writing romantic chemistry.

Meanwhile, Chloe calls her dad, Rayford who doesn’t know if he can make it.

“I’d sure like to be there, and we both know your mother would. We’re scheduled for Siwa tomorrow, which is more than six hundred miles from you.”

Mostly I’m just including this because Siwa reminds me of Bayek of Siwa and how very much I’d rather be playing Assassin’s creed than reading this drivel.

And back to Kenny and Kat discussing how evilly evil Qasim is with being evil and all.

And back to Rayford where God finally turns the water back on in Egypt. Rayford asks “Why now?”

But God was silent. Rayford knew well that the Creator took His own counsel, had His own schedule and agenda and clock. If it was time, it was time, and no one else had to know or understand.

Yeah, that’s just being a dick. Of course, so is collectively punishing a nation for the sins of two assholes, so at least God is consistent.

Back to Kat and Kenny’s riveting conversation:

Kenny took her elbow as they walked. “I was struck from the first by your obvious passion for the Lord,” he said.

If by “obvious passion for the Lord”, you mean attractive face, boobs, and legs, this is technically true.

“It’s something I have to work on,” he said. “How bad is that? I’m living in the millennial kingdom with Jesus right here on the throne and ever-present, and still I struggle with the flesh.”

Porn, Kat. He’s watching a lot of freaky porn.

“We’re not in heaven yet. The glorified-mind-and-body people seem to have no distractions to their devotion.”

I want the lobotomy now, Lord! Why can’t you turn me into a mindless celibate robot?

“The undecideds trouble me more.”

And yet, nobody seems to think to go to Jesus and say, “Hey, Lord, it really kind of sucks that you’re actively torturing Uncle Bob because he was a Buddhist. Is there some way to knock that shit out?”

“If it’s hard for me to be as devout and consistent as I want to be—with my heritage and my work—I can’t imagine what it’s like for those who stubbornly want to insist on their own way.”

Or maybe they just don’t like the idea of being a brainwashed, sexless Jesus zombie robot.

“They’re easy targets for the Other Light,” she said. “What a name for the resistance, huh? They really worship the Lesser Light. The Way Lesser Light.”

It’s like RAAAAAAIN… on your wedding day! Obvious irony is obvious.

They fell silent as they neared Ekaterina’s home. She reached up and intertwined her fingers with his. 

And now Kenny has to change his underpants when he gets home.

“So is it my turn?” she whispered at last.

“Your turn?”

“To tell you my first impression of you.”

“That’s your call.”

“I found you courtly.”

“I told you wearing a full plate mail suit of armor would pay off one day, Mom!”

Kat decides she doesn’t want to work with Qasim anymore and wants to transfer departments.

“It’s unlikely my parents would put you in my area. My mother was on to us from the first day.”

“Oh, how embarrassing! It showed?”

Inappropriate erections are always noticeable.

“Well,” Kenny said, “if our relationship is going to be educational, we ought to start on the way to work tomorrow, wouldn’t you say?”

“Just tell me when to be ready, Professor Williams.”

I don’t mean to beat on the George Lucas comparison, but we’ve just found more nauseating flirtation dialog than, “I hate sand.”

 

 

KC: In which the author answers the question, “Can I write a chapter of a best selling book where nothing happens?”


Apparently, I forgot to mention that Kat and Kenny had a conversation at the end of the last chapter. It’s understandable as they are both so devoid of personality that they are easy to miss. They should just call them Love Interest and Protagonist, though I’ve finished reading the world’s worst book (so far) and Kenny really does nothing. Yeah, sorry to spoil it for you, but this book really has no plot. The conflicts are mostly shallow or devoid of tension. The characters just move from set piece to set piece because the author wants them to.

Anyway, we’re supposed to believe that Qasim and Kat might end up as a couple now since he thinks she’s hot and has asked her out on a date and she’s interested in what he’s been up to in France.

And Kenny is just there.

So we go back to Abdullah and his wife. She says, “Honey, you look good, but you’d need CGI to look like a teenager again.”

Abdullah shrugged. “This was the Lord’s idea. He’s going to have to tell me what to do.”

“The Lord really is a miracle worker, of course. But those young people will know, if it’s obvious you’ve survived your hundredth birthday, that you’re an interloper. And while I don’t worry that they can do you harm when you belong to Jesus, even finding you out couldn’t be good for our cause.”

What cause? What is your mission? And how would the Other Light recognizing your husband as a spy hurt that mission? Are they going to scream, “OLD GUY!” and everyone runs away?

Like I said, there is no conflict in this book that isn’t manufactured or bullshit.

I’ll spare you the next scene of Kenny freaking out because Love Interest is going out on a date with Forced Love Triangle.

Flip over to Cameron and Chloe who are told that Noah will be dropping by Our Lady of Jesus Murdered My Parents Orphanage.

And back to Rayford and crew in Egypt.

News of the new name of Egypt spread quickly through that nation, and as Rayford, Irene, Chaim, Tsion, Mac, Bruce, and his wife visited the various cities, the people would cry out, “Long live Osaze, ‘loved by God,’ and long live our King, the Lord Christ!”

But after one of the team preached and young people under one hundred streamed forward to commit their lives to Christ, someone was always bound to demand to know when God would lift His curse.

“That is up to you!” Bruce or Tsion would boom

Well, no, it’s not. They don’t have God powers to magically make the water reappear. Bruce and Tsion seem to imaging Egypt is hitting herself even as God keeps forcing their own fist to hit their face.

And even Rayford is starting to think, “Jesus, Lord, isn’t this a bit much?”

Everyone is groveling before the Lord and the Lord is sitting there like a petulant Donald Trump saying, “No! Not enough. I want more grovelling.”

Back to Kenny who is worried about Qasim and Kat’s date because this is important, right? Right?

Back to Abdullah and his zombie wife Yasmine who decide to go to Albania to see Abdullah’s disguise friend Zeke.

Back to Kenny who gets a call from Raymie who tells him that Noah is dropping by their work tomorrow.

Back to Abdullah who meets with Zeke who tells him:

“Sorry, man, but nobody in TOL is going to believe you’re under a hundred.”

And now Abdullah has to figure out what God wants him to do in a world where God is physically present and capable of speaking and faith is now sight. I mean, doesn’t Jesus have a cell phone implant? Hasn’t God spoken to you psychically before like Professor X?

For a book being written about God’s kingdom on Earth, this book seems to forget that God exists as a person and not some mysteriously invisible force any longer.

Back to Kenny who gets a call from Kat asking him to come over and talk about her date with Qasim. And Kenny is acting like every “nice” guy who thinks a girl has Friend Zoned him.

Lastly this “thrilling” chapter of cold rancid garbage ends with a conversation between Chloe and Cameron about whether or not she should call her dad and tell him about Noah’s visit.

This book is making me miss the Quran.

KC: “Her Story…”


We jump over to Abdullah who is in Jordan now. He meets a neighbor (who shall remain nameless) who tells him that the Other Light tried to rape a zombie Christian woman

They believe that if they can somehow impregnate women with glorified bodies, they can create a super mongrel race of potential converts to their side who would be partially glorified and perhaps able to live past one hundred. Imagine if they are right.”

Okay, gross, but at least tactically, they’re testing the waters.

As previously mentioned, if you plan on actually fighting God Almighty, a good way to test whether or not you’ll be successful would be to try to kill or hurt one of the zombie Christians.

But suppose they are right?

They’ve created a zombie-human hybrid. So what? Thus far, the only thing special about the zombies is that they don’t age. They haven’t demonstrated any sort of superpowers.

“They are wrong,” Abdullah said. “Simply wrong.”

“How can you say that?”

“It only stands to reason, friend. Why do you think that among the glorified there is no marrying or giving in marriage? The glorified bodies of women must have no childbearing capabilities, because they are not even interested in reproductive activity.”

Because sex is only something people want to do in the confines of reproduction, right? If you don’t want to have kids, then you have no sex drive, right?

And now we get to our wonderful Evangelical misogyny.  And before we begin, let’s just slap a big ol’ trigger warning here. We’re going to talk about rape or sexual assault and the Evangelical mindset.

“You may be right, and I hope you are, but that didn’t stop a TOLer from attempting to rape a glorified woman this morning.”

“And . . . ?”

“Her story…”

I love those two little words. “Her story.”

Maybe I’m giving the choice of words here too much import, but I don’t think so. The Evangelical church has a lot of issues with sexual assault, how badly they handle it, and how willing they are to excuse it, or victim blame, or dismiss the accusations of women against powerful men. (See Brett Kavanaugh.)

“Her story.”

Even in his fictional world where he’s certain the events took place, he describes her testimony as a “story.”

“Well, sure, she says he tried to rape her, but I think she just has ‘buyer’s remorse.’”

“Bitches by lyin’.”

“It takes two to sin. What did you do to encourage him?”

“You should apologize to his wife for his assault on you.”

“Don’t go to the police. Let’s follow Matthew 18’s guidelines.”

“Did you have two other witnesses? Then we can’t do anything.”

“Her story…”

Story… fictional… lies…

They don’t believe you. The “family of God” that is supposed to protect the vulnerable and the hurting way too often makes things worse.

“Her story is that she fought him off, but he subdued her.”

So her glorified body is just like a regular body, but immortal. No special powers. No super strength. No teleporting like Jesus. Just you. Stuck at age 30 forever.

That’s disappointing.

“However, before he could proceed, he died in her arms.”

It must have been something she said.

When she reported it to authorities, they found his ashes in her bedroom.”

And God who knows all things didn’t kill him before he tried to rape her because…? Seriously, Jesus, where are the pre-crime units?

“He had been struck by lightning, and she was not affected?”

“She may have been immune anyway, because of the nature of her body, but her account is that he merely died. The incineration had to have happened while she was running for help.”

Okay, so you’re a normal person, but stuck at 30, immortal, and you have 100% lightning immunity.

 “We must spread this story far and wide,” Abdullah said. “Does anyone know how old the perpetrator was? The younger the better, for it will convince these people that such acts will cost them even the few years they have.”

Yeah, that should be the end of it. The Other Light now knows that they can’t hurt zombie Christians. That should be the end of the rebellion. If you can’t hurt them, you’re never going to defeat God.

Book over, man. Book over.

“DNA tests identified him as a local eighty-six-year-old.”

DNA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Seriously, it doesn’t. Google DNA in ashes.

Also, why do you have DNA tests when God is there and you all have a psychic connection to him?

This book sucks.

We end for today with Abdullah deciding that if he’s going to pass for a teenager and infiltrate the Other Light, he needs to get a good disguise. Which… yeah… that’s not going to work.

old

I’m afraid you’re going to have to do what losers and creepers do and catfish them online.