An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 34: Sheba


When they say, “Judgment Day isn’t coming” you say, “Yes it is!”

That’ll show ‘em.

If people disbelieve Mohammed, then God can make the earth swallow them up or make pieces of the sky fall down and smush them as a sign to the faithful.

God could do that, but he doesn’t… for reasons, of course… very good reasons… what reasons? Shut up.

So God told the birds and hills to sing with David and he made iron soft for David, so David could advance Israel to the Iron Age.

And then God had demons work for Solomon as builders and craftsman, until some of them objected to that and got tossed into hell, and then Solomon died.

Then in Sheba, there were two awesome gardens, but God didn’t like that they didn’t say, “Thank you” to him enough, so he flooded their lands and ruined their gardens.

Would God penalize any but the ungrateful?

Looks around at the state of the world… Yes. Yes, He would.

Once again, Mohammed asks us to call upon all of the extra gods we made up and see if they can help us and once again, I would say, go ahead and call on your god too and see if he’ll help you. Judging from how things are going in Yemen, Syria, Libya, Indonesia, Burma, and a host of other places in the world, I’d say God isn’t being very helpful to his followers either.

Maybe because God doesn’t exist.

Oh, but Mohammed says, God only answers prayer when He wants to.

Which is to say that you can’t prove a damn thing about God’s existence with prayer. If the results are completely random or mostly negative, it doesn’t prove anything about God’s existence.

Mohammed falls back on Pascal’s Wager, which also isn’t a proof, because the Christians also use Pascal’s Wager and the exclusivity of their religion and if they’re right, then I can live my entire life as a devout and devoted Muslim and still end up in hell because I chose the wrong faith.

Life’s blessings seem pretty random, but God.

Mohammed’s favorite revenge porn fantasy… and more Pascal’s Wager apologetics…

And that’s it for Surah 34.

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The Trump-Kim talks


I don’t get political here as much anymore, but someone claiming to be a time traveler sent me a small clip from an audio file… and, well, if you live in Hawaii, you should probably consider moving to the mainland.

Trump: Kimmy, may I call you, Kimmy?
Kim: No. And may I say what large and impressive hands you have, Mr. President.
Trump: Thank you, Kimmy, I’m glad you noticed. Now look, we can’t have you building nukes that can hit America. Some of my voters live there.
Kim: Okay, we will stop new ICBM tests. (Because we’re confident in our existing supply.)
Trump: That is great news.
Kim: In exchange, we would like a formal end to the Korean war and the withdraw of your troops from the Demilitarized Zone.
Trump: I think we can do that. What about nuclear tests?
Kim: We will suspend nuclear tests. (Because our testing site collapsed.)
Trump: You are a great man. What can we do for you?
Kim: Renewed economic aid.
Trump: Done.
Kim: And lastly, we put the great name of Trump on our tallest, most impressive hotel, the Ryugyong Hotel that stands majestically over Pyongyang.
Trump: I knew you were okay. Everyone else tried to tell me you were a bad man, but I said, “I know Kimmy is a good guy. Great guy.”
Kim: Thank you, Mr. President. We would also like Hawaii.
Trump: Deal. It’s not even a part of the United States.

Your Religious Dictionary: The Rapture


The Rapture: A belief among certain Evangelical Christians that one day soon, God will  reward his most fanatical and devoted followers by taking them off of the Earth and whisking them away to heaven.

For some reason, they see this as a bad thing for the rest of us who are left behind.

Your Religious Dictionary: Glossolalia


Glossolalia: A form of Live Action Roleplaying (LARP) where one pretends that saying “Gooba yabba doobie baba hay allo shishme samma” is saying something very profound and spiritual about God in an angelic language. See also “speaking in tongues.”

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 33: the Confederates


Mohammed starts out by giving himself a little pep talk to ignore all the unbelievers and naysayers and keep trusting God.

God didn’t give you two hearts. Nor did he make your wives whom you equate with your mothers your actual mothers… what in the world?

(Reads different translation)

Nor has he made your wives whom you declare unlawful your mothers…

I’m sure someone has come up with an explanation of what the hell Mohammed was saying here, but I’ve got nothing.

Nor did he make your adopted sons, your real sons.

Well, that’s just hurtful.

You’re supposed to call your adopted sons by the name of their real father. If you don’t know the father, then just pick a name of a friend.

Mohammed loves you guys more than you love yourselves. Which is why he keeps sending you into battle where you can be cut up, maimed, and killed.

And his wives are mothers to them.

This surah is just weird.

Oh, hey, there we go. Unbelievers get burned in fire forever. Whew. I understand that.

Hey, remember that one time when we all went to battle and things looked bad, and some of you jerks where all like, “I want to go home!” or “I don’t want to die!” Quitters.

And then I said, “Yeah, if God wants you dead, he’s going to kill you no matter where you go, so you might as well die here.”

But then reinforcements arrived and everyone was like, “Oh, Mohammed, you’re so great and awesome!” and I was like, “Yeah, I know.”

And then we killed some of them and enslaved some of them and took their houses and stuff. Praise be to God, right?

Then it seems like some of Mohammed’s wives didn’t really care for being a desert nomad, because Mohammed takes the time to tell them to suck it up or they can leave.

And none of Mohammed’s wives better whore it up either. Mo don’t share his women. And no sexy talk, either. And you better not wear revealing clothes.

Good Muslims will get a great reward from God. But they better obey Mohammed or else.

Also, some of you have been questioning me about my taking my adopted son’s divorced wife as my wife. I didn’t marry her. God married her to me. So shut up. It’s okay when I do it.

Mohammed is not the father of any of your men… no matter what some of your lying wives and daughters might say.

So all of you worship God and remember that God is watching.

Also, while I’m at it, I can marry my cousins. Totes okay with God if I do. Or any Muslim female who wants to marry me really.

It’s good to be the Prophet.

But other than those women, I can’t marry anyone else.

Okay, guys, I don’t want any of you dropping by my house unless you’re invited. And even then, when you’re invited, just come in, eat, and get out. No extra conversations. It annoys me.

And if you have to talk to my wives, don’t look at them.

Also, if I divorce any of my wives, you can’t marry them because I’m not being tunnel buddies with anyone… I mean, because God.

And if any of you talk bad about me, God curses you and you’re headed for fire and then you’ll be like, “Oh, Mohammed we’re so sorry!” and I’ll be like, “HAHAHAHA… serves you right.” Yeah… that’ll be cool.

Your Religious Dictionary: Complimentarianism


The idea that an infinite God who made a nearly infinite universe with an nearly infinite amount of galaxies made up of nearly infinite stars around which orbit a nearly infinite amount of planets, on at least one of which God creates billions of human beings with their own different and unique combinations of genes and a unique consciousness with their own likes, desires, hopes, dreams, strengths, weakness, experiences and aspirations wants all of them to act in exactly one of two ways based on their genitalia.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 32: The Prostration


Mohammed is a little sensitive about people saying that he just came up with all of this.

“Seriously, guys, I didn’t make this stuff up! I didn’t! It’s from Gooooooooood!”

See?

God made everything and he’s your master, so think about that.

Okay…

I’m trapped in a universe in which I, a sentient free-thinking being, am the literal pawn of an all-powerful divine being who can either give me a garden for all eternity or set me on fire forever, and it’s entirely his choice. I am at the mercy of his whims, but somehow it also depends on my joining the right religion and praying five times a day. And even then, how do I know for certain that he won’t just decide one day to kick me out of my garden and set me on fire forever for the lulz? There is no escape.

Wow, that’s scarier than anything Lovecraft came up with.

Okay, if I’m reading this next part right, God took some divine sperm, mixed it up with clay to form a human body, and breathed a spirit into Adam. And He’s very disappointed that we don’t call and thank him enough.

Now, God could make everyone go to heaven, but He already said, “I’m going to fill hell with genies and humans” so He’s got to do it now.

But the few righteous who pray enough times a day will get a reward, but no one knows what it will be.

Dude, you’ve been promising that it will be a garden in every surah. A garden with fruit trees and pure streams of water. Now you’re admitting that you don’t know what will await the ‘righteous’?

And now he changes his mind and says the righteous will be rewarded with a garden.

The rest of us get hell and if we try to get out of hell, someone puts us right back in.

Oh, and God’s really going to judge the Jews because, well, they’re Jews

And sure it’s been like 1,500 years, but that day of judgment is coming any day now… any day now… and then you’ll see…. YOU’LL ALL SEE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!