The Bible: How it should have ended…


Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and God said to her, “Seriously? I’m gone for like five seconds and you’re going to take advice from a talking snake? Do you even know his name?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.”

“Then why the hell would you listen to him?”

“I was literally born yesterday.”

“Okay, so I obviously need to create a school system. First lesson, Eve. Don’t listen to talking snakes. They’re bad. Really, don’t listen to ANY talking animals as a rule. This isn’t fucking Narnia. Talking animals don’t exist. Second, his name is Gary. Gary, in particular, is an asshole. That’s why he’s a snake instead of a real badass and metal gold dragon. Hi, Bob.”

Bob the badass and metal gold dragon flew over and waved at God.

“Thirdly, Eve, that fruit there will mess you up. Like really mess you up. Like, war, famine, disease, Republicans… cancer… do you know what cancer is, Eve, because I do, and it’s really shitty.”

“But you said I would die.”

“Yeah, eventually, but some really horrible things are going to happen to everyone first.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“And that’s okay, because I’m not some monster who would stand by watching you make an uninformed decision that would have horrific consequences for eons and then bust you and yell at you for making the wrong decision. I’m just trying to be a decent omniscient, omnigender god here, Eve. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, God. Oh, and Gary?”

“Yesss, Eve?”

“Fuck off.”

The Circus


We ran away to join the circus.

She would be an acrobat.

I would fly in the trapeze.

On horseback, she would leap through hoops of fire

While I would gaily juggle knives. and

She would twist her arms and legs, and

I would make the great cats dance.

With dreams of fame and glory we ran

From the small town where we lived

Through the corn fields and the apple orchards

The sweet smells of fall.

Past the great oak tree and the river

Where I used to fish with Jeremiah

To the edge of the forest where the calliope lured us

To the company of Mr. Smiley

Who painted toothy grins on us with

rusty blade and hid our tongues in the forest.

Dressed in bloodstained clothes far too big

He made us dance and fall and stumble

Like drunken puppets every night for his show.

The show! How the audience of coyotes

and crickets cheered and howled

Until the circus ended and Mr. Smiley left us alone

Snug and cold together within the soft ground where we slept

Until beckoned again by the sounds of the calliope

We wake from our slumber and come forth to find

Another boy or girl to join our merry troop of mirth.

Rise of Skywalker Thoughts – Spoilers abound


Hey, everyone, Palpatine is back!

Wait, what?

Yeah, Emperor Palpatine, he’s back, bitches! Woo! Palps in the house.

What about Kylo Ren… I thought he was going to be the new Supreme Leader of the First Order? Being his own man… leaving the past behind to die and rot? Killing Snoke to let the Sith and the Jedi both die…

Oh, he’s back, but now he’s okay with being the Emperor’s lackey and letting the Sith come back to power. Also, there are like a bunch of Sith cultists now sitting around a giant room and they have like 10,000 star destroyers with crew and Death Star guns that have been sitting under the ice on this planet for like 20 years.

What?

Yep. 10,000 Death Stars. It’s the only logical end to the Star Wars saga. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Where the fuck did all this shit come from?

I don’t know.

How the hell is Palpatine alive when he was thrown into a reactor core, exploded and then the Death Star he was on exploded?

I don’t know.

Where did all these people come from and who trained them?

I don’t know.

Why the hell did they wait to build like 10,000 of these things? I’d think ten could have probably done the job of scaring everyone in the galaxy into agreeing to come back to the Empire.

I don’t know.

And how the hell did they pay for all this and do all of this shit in  secret with nobody mentioning the zombie Emperor or all those thousands of Sith acolytes standing around chanting dramatically?

I don’t know. Look if you keep asking questions, we’re never getting through this movie.

Sorry, go on…

Anyway, Palpatine wants Kylo to kill Rey because she’s his granddaughter.

Oh, wow… so we’re just going to pretend that The Last Jedi didn’t happen, huh?

Last Jedi? Never heard of it.

I thought so. So what happened to the message that heroes can rise from anywhere and be anybody?

Anybody related to someone super powerful.

Also fuck you for making me think of melty faced old Palpatine getting busy with his melty, wrinkly lightsaber.

You’re welcome.

So why didn’t his son become a Sith?

Because.

You really didn’t think any of this shit through, did you?

Nope.

They ran away and sold her to junk traders.

Why didn’t they just give her to Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia? Emperor Palpatine was dead… ish… Rey was born… checks Wikipedia… 11 years after Endor. The New Republic should be governing the galaxy by now. Why not just turn themselves in, claim asylum, and say, “Hey, we’ve got a new Jedi kid you might want to train so she doesn’t grow up evil like her dead grandpa?”

Hey, look! Finn is now Force Sensitive.

Jesus Christ…

And Snoke was a meat puppet for Palpatine!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Anything else you want to pull out of your ass?

Everyone always knew that Rey was Emperor Palpatine’s Granddaughter all along.

@#)*$@#)*$#@)$@#)&$@#*$^!!!!!_ #(@!_($#!

Anyway, Palpatine sent out a broadcast to the galaxy saying, “I’m coming in sixteen hours to get my revenge.”

Why the hell would he tell everyone about his super evil plan before he’s executing his superevil plan?

To give the heroes a chance to stop it, duh.

So the heroes go and stop it?

No, first they have to go find a Sith Wayfinder to point them to the world where Palpatine and the Fleet are. So they go from world to world tracking down clues.

So now we’re watching a video game quest.

Look! It’s Lando! You love Lando, right?

I do love Lando.

Yeah. Also Kylo and Rey can now pass stuff to each other through the Force.

Sigh… sure… okay. Why not?

Leia dies sending Ben a Force message that turns Kylo back to being Ben Solo.

I… sigh…

And Harrison Ford shows up to say, “Hey, son, why don’t you stop being a Nazi dick.” And this time Kylo’s like, “Sure.”

Well, that was super easy.

Barely an incon-

Shh… I don’t want to get sued.

Rey travels all the way back to Acht-to-

Bless you.

I see what you did there. Niiiiiice.

And they’ve travelled to and from like five different planets in less than sixteen hours?

Yep. Time and distance are insignificant compared to the power of the plot device.

Rey is super worried about becoming evil because of her genes, but Ghost Luke tells her to stop being all whiny and get on with wrapping up this movie.

That would be nice.

So she goes and Grampa Palps says, “Hey, kill me so I and the other Sith Lords can possess you. Won’t that be fun? Then we can kill the galaxy and play lawn darts, you scamp.”

What other Sith Lords?

All of them, you know. Palpatine is possessed by all of them.

How…

Don’t ask questions. Just go with it.

That should have been the title of this movie.

But Rey says, “Nooooooooo!” and then Ben shows up to save her, but Palpatine uses Force Drain and it’s supereffective. So he goes back to being alive again.

Why didn’t he just drain all of the Sith and go back to being young man Palpatine?

Just go with it.

So Palpatine shoots up Force Lightning to disable all of the ships.

What?

Just go with it.

And then Rey has like one hit point left… but all of the ghost Jedi give her a pep talk and she levels up and gets half her hit points back. And then Palpatine is like, “Hey, maybe I should finish off the super powerful Jedi just sitting in front of me who is the only thing standing between me and-

UNLIMITED POWER!! HAHAHAH!

Yeah. But Rey blocks his Force Lightning and reflects it back at him and he explodes and kills all of the Sith.

All thousands of them who sit around and watch this happen for no reason?

Yes. And then Rey dies, but Ben comes up and Force Heals her, and they kiss-

Fuck you.

Totally warranted. But then Ben dies and fades away into the Force so Rey can’t Force Heal him and they go back and forth comically healing the other one and then dying.

So I guess the secret to stopping people from dying really wasn’t that hard to discover?

Nope. Anakin was just stupid.

And whiny.

He really sucked.

Agreed.

Then the Rebels have a party. A couple of women kiss in the background to piss off all the family values conservatives.

They’re already convinced that this movie is a gateway to Satan.

Chewie gets his medal.

Jesus, they’re really just listening to everyone on Twitter aren’t they? What’s next? Is Boba Fett gonna show up and explain how he escaped the Sarlaac Pit?

They Rey goes back to Tatooine to bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers, because she has one of her own now that’s yellow.  And someone asks her her name and she says, “Rey Skywalker.”  Because she’s rejected her lineage and decided to become a Skywalker.

So she’s rejected one powerful family lineage and embraced a different powerful famous family lineage?

Yep.

We’re, uh… we’re done with this, right?

Yep. Wanna go watch more Baby Yoda clips?

It is my destiny. 

 

 

The impeachment of Donald Trump… How we got here: A helpful timeline.


11-2016: Donald Trump gets elected President.

1-2017: Donald Trump is inaugrated. He kicks off his presidency and it’s long list of lies by lying about how many people showed up.
Some Democratic voters: We should impeach the bastard!

Democratic leaders. Come on, guys, he hasn’t done anything yet. Let’s give him a chance and just focus on trying to make the best of things and get ready for 2018.

5-2017: Mueller investigation starts. James Comey is fired to put a stop to it.

Democratic voters: Okay, how can we impeach the bastard?
Democratic leaders: Let’s investigate the matter first.
Republicans: Eh… we really don’t want to.

11-2018: Democratic voters: Okay, you have a majority in the House now. Can you start really investigating the whole Mueller thing now?

Democratic leaders: Okay. But we’re going to be nice, slow, and deliberative.
Democratic voters: Ugggggh… why do you have to be so… responsible, damn it!?!

4-2019: Mueller report drops.
Bill Barr: Complete Exoneration.
Donald Trump: Complete Exoneration.
Democratic leaders and voters: That’s not what it says. We can read, you know.
Mueller: Yeah, that’s not at all what I said.
Republicans: COMPLETE EXONERATION! LALALALALALALAL!
Democratic voters: Impeach now?
Democratic leaders: Shh… let us investigate more. You guys start getting ready for 2020, okay?
Trump: 2020, you say? Hmm…

9-2019: Whistleblower complaint.
Whistleblower: Holy ****, everyone. The President tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help him rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the transcript!
(Everyone reads transcript)
Democratic voters: You tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help you rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the transcript!
Democratic leaders: You tried to bribe the President of Ukraine to go on CNN and help you rig the 2020 election.
Trump: Read the Transcript!
Republicans: That’s not what it says, and even if it does say that, he didn’t do it, and if he did it, he didn’t understand what he was doing, anyway, it’s not illegal, it’s completely normal!
Unlike lying about a blow job.

11-2019: Impeachment inquiry

Democratic leaders: Sigh… I guess we have no choice. Did Donald Trump do the shit?
Witnesses under oath: Yeah, he did the shit.
Republicans: I like paste!
Trump: TRANSCRIPT! SHIFTY SCHIFF! ARGLE BARGLE!!!
Republicans: Sigh… such leadership!


12-18-2019:

Democratic leaders: Well, shit… I guess we’ve got no choice. This idiot actually did try to bribe a foreign government to help him rig the election. Impeach him.
Democratic voters: Finally!
Republicans: YOU JUST WANT TO UNDO THE 2016 ELECTION! YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO IMPEACH HIM!
Some Democratic voters: Well, yeah, he’s a stupid corrupt assclown and a criminal.
Democratic leaders: Uh… have you guys actually met us? We’ve been dragging our feet on this shit for a year now. It’s not our fault he’s so stupid he tried to bribe a foreign leader to help him rig an election.

 

Tourists


If you are a Christian, you are a tourist in this world. Your country is not here. You have no country. You are not called to conquer or build a country here. You are a sojourner. A wayfarer. A traveler. An ambassador.

Your possessions, your money, whatever earthly citizenship you have is only in your possession so that you can effectively use them to help others with acts of compassion, charity, kindness, justice, and mercy.

That objection of nationalism you feel is from the world system you were born into and taught.

That objection to the nature of your possessions and wealth? That is also from the system you were taught and born into.

You own nothing. You possess nothing. You have no real home or nation here.

That is the life you were called to if you took upon yourself the name, “Christian.”

The temptations of Jesus…


“Wait, so you’re god, but god sent you out here to the wilderness for forty days with no food and no water?”

“Yeah… it’s… complicated.”

“Well, why don’t you just make some bread to eat out of these rocks?”

“Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

“You know that’s bullshit, right? Like if you don’t eat, you’ll starve to death. Like those millions of kids every year who aren’t magically sustained by “your word.””

“Ouch…”

“Yeah, I’m not the one sitting on my ass letting it happen.”

“God will provide…”

“Like he provides for the aforementioned starving children?”

“Stop that! You’re ruining the script!”

“Okay… what else… you’re going to be persecuted and hated by men… right… why don’t you leap off the Temple spire and have some angels catch you. That should convince everyone you’re god.”

“You shall not tempt the Lord your God…”

“You’re kidding?”

“No…”

“I mean, you’re tempting God right now by saying he’s gonna feed you magically and keep you from dying instead of taking it into your own hands to feed yourself like any sane person would.”

“Yeah, but-“

“’I sent you a boat and a helicopter!’ Never heard that joke?”

“You’re really making this worse.”

“What if I bring you food? Does that make me god? Or would you have to turn it down and wait for literal manna from heaven?”

“I don’t…”

“Hell, what if I gave you the world on a plate? Made you Caesar Jesus of Nazareth without all the nasty hatred and persecution and death? World peace. Jesus reigns forever. Physical literal proof of god for all mankind forever. No one goes to hell with me and the boys. I dare say that would make me a better god than Jehovah.”

“Stop it!”

“I’m better than Jeho-vah! I’m better than Je-ho-vah!”

“Just get out of here, would you!?”

“Alright, but don’t come crying to me when Jehovah fucks you over and billions of people still go to hell and 99% of your followers turn out to be assholes.”

Daily Word of Wisdom


Love your neighbor as yourself.

If you can’t manage that, just try to be kind…

If you can’t manage that, then just don’t be a jackass.

And if you can’t manage that, just stay home and try not to talk to anybody.