The TL:DR Bible: John 13-14


Chapter 13:

Jesus and company are in the room where they will eat the Passover meal. Before that happens, Jesus grabs a basin, some water, and a towel and washes the disciples’ feet.

Peter: No way, Jesus.

Jesus: If I don’t wash your feet, you have no part with me.

Peter: How about a sponge bath then?

Jesus: Just your feet will be fine.

After he’s done, Jesus says, “I’m your master and I washed your feet. Do the same to each other and act in humility and service. Also one of you is totally going to betray me.”

Peter signals the disciple whom Jesus loved to ask who it is. This disciple, resting their head on Jesus chest or stomach or shoulder, asks who it is. Which, maybe it’s a cultural thing, but that seems really intimate for just friends to be doing.

Jesus signifies that it’s Judas, who gets possessed by Satan and runs off to tell the Pharisees where Jesus is going. Despite asking the question and getting an answer, everyone is still acting like idiots and lets Judas go.

Jesus: I, uh… I just told you guys that he was going to betray me.

Disciples: Durrrrr…. I thought he was going to go buy more groceries.

Jesus: No, I just said, “My betrayer is the one I give a piece of bread to dipped in sauce.” Then I gave it to Judas.

Disciples: Maybe he’s going out to give money to the poor…

Jesus: If there’s a fifth gospel, I am so getting better disciples.

Jesus: I’m going away and you can’t follow right now. But I give you a new commandment to love one another as I have loved you. All men will know you are my disciples by your love.

Peter: Where are you going?

Jesus: You can’t follow me now, but you’ll follow me soon enough.

Peter: I’d die for you.

Jesus: Yeah, we’ve been through this three times already. You’re going to deny me three times.

 

Chapter 14:

Jesus: Don’t be troubled. You believe in God, believe in me too. I will go to prepare a place for you and come back. You know the way I go.

Thomas: Yeah, know we don’t.

Jesus: I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to God but through me. If you know me, you know my Father and have seen him.

Philip: We haven’t though. Show him to us.

Jesus: IF you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father. If you believe in Me, you will do greater works than Me. Whatever you ask in my name, I will do it. If you love me, do what I’ve said.

I will ask the Father to send you the Holy Spirit.

I will return to you. After a while, I will be gone, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live too. If you keep my commandments, you show that you love me, and you will be loved by the one who loves me. If you don’t keep my commandments, you don’t love me or the Father.

The Holy Spirit will help guide you and help you remember my words.

But the devil comes soon. He has no power over me. Let us go, so the world will know that I love the Father.

The TL:DR Bible: John 11-12


Chapter 11:

Jesus has a friend named Lazarus who lives with his sisters Mary and Martha. He gets really sick. They send a message to Jesus about it. Jesus loves his friends and then decides to wait two more days before he leaves to go see them.

The disciples point out that people want to kill Jesus, when that doesn’t stop him, Thomas says, “Let’s go die with him.”

Thomas is my favorite disciple.

Lazarus dies. Martha meets Jesus and says, “If you had been here, my brother would not have died… but even now, I know God will do what you ask of Him.”

Jesus: Your brother will live again.

Martha: Are we talking spiritual like at the end of the world kind of resurrection?

Jesus: I am the resurrection and the life. Believe in me, and you will not die.

Martha: I believe in You.

Mary: Lord, if you had been here, Lazarus would be alive!

Jesus: Show me the grave.

They do. Jesus cries.

Crowd: Couldn’t he have saved his friend from death?

Jesus: Roll back the stone.

Martha: It’s been four days, Jesus… it’s going to stink like a skunk that’s been eating blue cheese.

They roll back the stone anyway.

Jesus: Hey, Lazarus. Come on out.

Lazarus hops out in his grave wrappings.

Jesus: Someone cut him free, would you?

And the priests and Pharisees decide that this guy has to die before everyone believes in Him and makes the Romans angry enough to destroy Jerusalem and Judea. It’s presented with a sense of irony.

 

Chapter 12:

Jesus goes back to stay with Lazarus for the Passover. Everyone is eating, when Mary comes in and breaks the expensive perfume she had over Jesus’ feet and wipes his feet with her hair.

Judas objects to the waste saying the perfume should have been sold and the money given to the poor. “John” adds a bit of commentary saying Judas only cared about the waste because he was pilfering from the common purse.

Jesus says, “Hey, you guys can help the poor whenever you want to, but I’m only going to be here another few weeks.”

Everyone finds out Jesus was there and they want to talk to Lazarus because why wouldn’t you want to talk to someone who had crossed over and come back? The Pharisees decide Lazarus might have to go too.

Jesus enters Jerusalem and everyone hails him as the Messianic king. This time Jesus finds his own little donkey to ride on.

When Jesus gets to Jerusalem, some Greek speaking Jews want an audience with him. Jesus says, “Now the hour is come to be glorified. We must all be willing to die, like a seed that falls into the ground and bears much fruit. If you are my disciple, you must follow me to the grave.”

“I don’t really want to die, but that’s the reason I came. Father, glorify your name.”

“I’m on it, Son.”

“I’m going to die on a cross and draw all men to myself. Enjoy the light and walk in it.”

“John” says the secret followers of Jesus who don’t want to be persecuted aren’t real followers of Jesus.

Jesus: If you believe in me, you believe in God and see God through me. If you don’t follow me, your own words and deeds judge you. God gives me the words to speak and I only speak what He says to me.”

Free Speech


For the record, the 1st amendment, within limits of public safety, prohibits the government from punishing you because you say something the powers in charge do not like.

The 1st amendment does NOT prohibit your fellow citizens from standing up and shouting back at you that you’re a racist shithead Nazi traitor. Nor does it prevent your employer from deciding they don’t want a racist shithead Nazi traitor representing their company. Nor does it protect you from being called a racist shithead Nazi traitor on the Internet when you say or act like a racist shithead Nazi traitor.

Nor does it prevent this blogger from saying that your racist shithead Nazi ‘Free Speech’ rallies are like a toddler shitting his pants and wiping it on the wall and being surprised when people who don’t shit their pants or show it in public are mad at him.

Here endeth the lesson.

The TL:DR Bible: John 8-10


Chapter 8:

A later editor likely added this story since it didn’t appear in the earliest manuscripts. But it involved Jesus teaching in the Temple in Jerusalem when the Pharisees bring in a woman they caught in the act of adultery.

“Hey, Jesus, the Law says we should stone her, what do you say?”

Jesus writes in the dirt.

“Come on, Dude, should we kill her?”

“Let the one without sin throw the first stone at her.”

Jesus writes in the dirt some more.

The crowd slowly drops their stones and walk away leaving Jesus alone with the woman.

“No one stuck around to condemn you?”

“No, Lord.”

“I don’t condemn you either. Go and sin no more.”

Then Jesus says, “I am the light of the world. My followers will walk in the light.”

Pharisees: “You’re just a dude saying this. We don’t believe you.”

Jesus: My testimony is valid because I know I came from heaven and will return to heaven. You don’t know this.

Pharisees: Yeah, that’s kind of the point…

Jesus: Besides, the law says the truth will be confirmed by two or more witnesses. I testify about myself, and my father does to.

Pharisees: Okay, where’s your dad so we can hear his words?

Jesus: You don’t know us. If you did know me, you’d know the Father too.

Pharisees: This… this really isn’t getting us anywhere.

Jesus: I’m going to go away. You’ll look for me, but not find me and die in your sins. Because you can’t come where I’m going.

Pharisees: So… you’re going to kill yourself? We don’t- we don’t get it.

Jesus: That’s because you’re earthly. I’m heavenly. You’re going to die in your sins unless you believe I’m he.

Pharisees: Who are you?

Jesus: I’ve told you already! I’ve got a lot to say about you people, but the one who sent me is true. And I speak the words he speaks to me.

Pharisee: So, uh… you hear someone talking to you right now?

Jesus: When you see me lifted up, you’ll know that I’m He. He tells me what to do and I do it. He’s with me now and never leaves me alone because I do everything that makes him happy.”

“John” interjects and says many believe in Jesus now… which… looking at this conversation without the years of Christian interpretation I’ve been taught, I’ve got to say that if I had this conversation with a stranger in a church, I’d probably call 911 and have him held 72 hours for evaluation.

Jesus: If you follow my words, you are my disciples and you will know the truth which will set you free.

Pharisees: We’re not slaves.

Jesus: You’re slaves to sin. But if I set you free, you’re truly free. You’re Abraham’s descendants, but you want to kill me. I do what my Father says, you do what your father says.

Pharisees: Abraham is our father.

Jesus: If Abraham is your father, do his deeds. But you seek to kill me because I tell you the truth.

Pharisees: Yeah, I don’t know if you read the stories of Abraham, but trying to kill people is totally within his wheelhouse.

Isaac: Testify!

Ishmael: Amen, dudes…

Pharisees: Also, you’re parentage is questionable, dude. God is our father.

Jesus: No, dudes, the devil is your father.

Pharisee: No, the devil is in you. And you’re filthy Samaritan.

Jesus: I’m not demon possessed. I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I don’t seek my own glory, but Gods. If you keep my word, you will not see death.”

Pharisee: Yeah, you’re crazy. Abraham died and so did the prophets. You’re not greater than them, are you? Who are you trying to say you are?

Jesus: God glorifies me, but you don’t know him. I know Him and I keep his word. Abraham was glad to see my day!

Pharisee: You’ve seen Abraham?

Jesus: Before Abraham was, I am.

Pharisee: Wow… just going right there with the blasphemy. Guess we’re going to have to kill you with big heavy rocks like it says in the Law.

Jesus: Zoinks!

Jesus leaves the temple quickly.

 

Chapter 9:

Jesus finds a man that was born blind. His disciples ask: “Hey, whose sin caused this? Did the fetus sin or did his parents sin?”

“Stuff happens,” Jesus said. “But this man was put here to glorify God. Hey, blind dude, here’s mud in your eye.” Jesus literally puts mud on his eyes. “Okay, now go wash up and you’ll be able to see.”

The blind man washes his face and he can see. He joyously freaks out and gathers a lot of attention to himself. And he says, “Jesus made mud and put it in my eyes and healed me!”

“Where did he go?”

“No idea.”

So they bring him to the Pharisees because it was the Sabbath day and the Pharisees are pissed off about Jesus making mud on the Sabbath and healing the guy and they don’t believe him when he says he was born blind and Jesus healed him.

They call his parents in who say, “Yep, that’s our son and he was born blind. Not sure how he sees now.”

So they say, “Well, praise God then, because Jesus is a sinner.”

“I don’t know about that, but I was blind, now I see.”

Things escalate until the Pharisees kick him out of synagogue and ban him. So Jesus finds him and says, “Do you believe in Me?”

He does and he starts worshipping and following Jesus. Jesus says he came to help the blind see and show those who think they see that they’re blind.

 

Chapter 10:

Jesus: A true shepherd is recognized by his sheep and they follow him, and not an imposter or thief.

Crowd: Uh… sure…. Okay.

Jesus: I am the door of the sheep. All of these other religious leaders are thieves and robbers, but if you come into the fold through Me, you’ll be saved. I’ve come to give you life. They come to fleece you, butcher you, and fatten themselves off of you.

I’m the good shepherd. I lay down my life for my sheep. I know my sheep and they know me. The Father loves me because I give my life for the sheep. No man kills me. I lay down my life and take it back up again.”

So the crowd is divided about Jesus again.

Jews: Tell us if you’re the Christ.

Jesus: I did, but you don’t believe me. You’re not my sheep. I give my sheep eternal life and no one will take them from me. My father has given them to me and I and my father are one.

Jews: Okay, big heavy rocks again.

Jesus: So which of my good works are you killing me for?

Jews: Not for your works, but because you’re a man claiming to be equal with God.

Jesus: Hey, remember that one psalm where God addresses other gods? So why do you object to me saying I’m God’s son? If I don’t imitate God, don’t believe me, but if I do what God would do, then believe or believe in my works.

But they try to kill him and Jesus slips away.

Jesus: LOOK OVER THERE!

Jews: Huh? What is it?

Jesus: (voice fading) Just keep looking…

 

 

The TL:DR Bible: John 6-7


Chapter 6:

Jesus goes out to the countryside and a crowd follows him.

“Hey, Philip? Where can we buy bread for the crowd so we can feed them?”

“Yeah, Jesus, that’s a bit out of our price range.”

“Hey, there’s a kid here with five loaves and two fish, but that’s not going to do much good.”

So Jesus has everyone sit down and He blesses the food and feeds everyone with a lot of leftovers to spare.  And everyone’s like, “Yea! Jesus just solved world hunger! He’s got to be the prophet Moses promised!”

And Jesus is like, “Aw, crap, these people are going to make me their king now.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“No, no, there’s this whole… thing… anyway, let’s go.”

The disciples head over in a boat, but Jesus decides to take a walk on the lake. They freak out when they see him, he tells them to knock that shit off, gets into the boat and they land on the other side. This time, Peter stays in the boat, I guess.

Then the crowd gets up, notices Jesus is missing and goes out to find him. When they do, they ask him when he got there.

Jesus says, “You guys only want me around because of the free food. Stop being concerned about the food for the body, and look for the food for the soul.”

“That’s easy to say when you can just make food. We live in the Iron Age with poor sanitation and no refrigeration. Anyway, what do you want us to do?”

“Believe in me whom God has sent!”

“Why should we believe in you?”

“I just fed all of you with five loaves of bread and two fish? Hello?”

“Yeah, but Moses gave our ancestors bread too.”

“No, God gave them the bread. God is giving to you bread which will give life to the world.”

“Okay, let’s have some of this bread.”

“I am the bread of live. Come to me and you will not hunger or thirst again… spiritually… totally spiritually because a lot of you are going to die of starvation and dehydration over the course of the next two thousand years… but I’ve come from heaven to do the will of God. Everyone who believes in me will be raised up to eternal life in the last day.”

The Jews are like, “No, you didn’t come from heaven. You’re the son of Joseph and Mary.”

“Only the ones my Dad brings can come to me and I will raise them up at the last day. I’ve seen the face of God because I came forth from God, if you believe in me, you will have eternal life. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but I am living bread. Eat of my body and you will live forever.”

“Dude, we’re not cannibals.”

“If you don’t eat my body and drink my blood, you cannot have life within you.”

“Jesus, dude, this is pretty weird,” said the disciples.

“This freaks you guys out? How about when I go back to heaven? But I know at least one of you doesn’t believe in me… Judas…. Lookin’ at you, dude. So are you guys going to bail too?”

“You’re the Messiah who has the words of eternal life,” Peter said. “Where else could we go?”

 

Chapter 7:

There’s another feast and Jesus’ brothers say, “Let’s go to Jerusalem and you can show off your miracles there.”

Jesus says, “It’s not time yet and a lot of other mystic words about why everyone hates me.”

But after they leave, Jesus goes off in secret. And the crowds were looking for him in Jerusalem and everyone had a different idea about him, except the priests who didn’t like Jesus very much. But Jesus shows up and starts teaching and everyone wonders how he became so wise when he is barely literate and didn’t go to Bible College.

Jesus says, “Hey, I’m just speaking for God, so you know you can totally trust me that I’m not speaking for my own gain. Also, you’re all hypocrites and sinners and you’re trying to kill me.”

“Uh… we’re not trying to kill you. You might be a bit touched in the head, Jesus.”

“Look, I did one healing on the Sabbath (it was more than one) and you all freak, but you people circumcise babies on Saturday and it’s not a big deal.”

“Is this the guy the priests want to kill? Why aren’t they stopping him? Do they know He’s the Messiah? But that doesn’t make sense. No one knows where the Messiah comes from, but this guy is from Nazareth.”

“You know me, but I come from God. You don’t know God, I do. He has sent me.”

They try to arrest Jesus and fail. Jesus says, “I’m only going to be here for a bit longer. You won’t find me again.”

They try to arrest him again and everyone assumes he’s leaving Judea to go teach the Jewish communities in foreign countries.

“If anyone is thirsty come to me and I will give you living water.”

No one has any idea who Jesus is. The police don’t arrest him though and get chewed out by the priests and Pharisees when they say Jesus speaks so differently than they do. Nicodemus tries to stick up for Jesus, but is also rebuked.

The TL:DR Bible: John 4-5


Chapter 4:

Jesus hears that the Pharisees know that he has a bigger congregation than John the Baptist, so he leaves Judea and passes through Samaria on his way to Galilee. He stops at a town and sits next to a well. The disciples go into the town market to buy food.

A woman appears and Jesus asks her for a  drink.

“You’re a Jew, I thought you were racist as hell against Samaritans?”

Jesus tells her he can give her living water. She’s interested because lugging water back to the house every day is pretty hard work. Jesus is being mystical though and means salvation and eternal life. The woman is more practical since she lives in a fucking desert. Jesus asks her to call her husband, and she says she doesn’t have one. Jesus says, “Yeah, I know. You’ve had five and you’re sleeping with a man now who isn’t your husband.”

She’s like, “Hey, you’re a prophet! Where should we worship God?”

“God doesn’t care. Worship in spirit and in truth.”

“The Messiah will come and explain it to us.”

“Right here, Baby. Jesus Christ, Messiah…”

The disciples come back and are surprised that Jesus is talking to a Samaritan woman, but she bolts back to town and tells everyone about Jesus and his ability to know her marital history. So folks start coming out of the town to the well to see Jesus. His disciples encourage him to eat, but Jesus goes all mystic on them.

“To do the will of God is my food.”

“Uh… wow… great… so I spent 8 shekels on this falafel sandwich for nothing… could have told me sooner…”

“Come on, Pete, don’t be like that.”

“No, no, it’s fine… I guess I’ll just put it in the refrigerator and you can have it later. Oh wait… we haven’t invented refrigeration yet.”

So the Samaritans come out and listen to Jesus and they ask him to stay for a couple of days and believe he is the Messiah.

Jesus goes to Nazareth and gets a poor reception, then travels to other towns in Galilee and folks come out to see and hear him because they saw the miracles he did in Judea.

An official in Herod’s court comes to seek out Jesus. His son is sick and dying, so he begs Jesus to heal him.

Jesus: Ugh. Unless you all see signs and wonders, you won’t believe.

“Please… my child is dying… I know you can save him.”

“Fine. Go home. The child is well again.”

The man goes home and finds his child well. He finds out that his son got better the very hour Jesus said he was well, so he believes.

This is the second sign Jesus performs in Galilee… despite saying elsewhere that no signs were to be given to this generation, but the sign of Jonah…

 

Chapter 5:

Okay, so…

Jesus goes back to Jerusalem…

In Jerusalem, there was a pool or bath. And periodically, God would play sort of a sick and twisted game show with the people. God would send an angel down to stir up the pool, and whoever was first into the pool got healed, while the rest got jack.

Yeah… seriously… think about that for a minute.

God makes all the sick people fight each other to be the first one in, so they can get healing.

Jesus finds someone who’s been paralyzed for 38 years. He has no hope of making it into the pool. So Jesus tells him, get up, pick up your bed, and go home. The man got up, picked up his bed, and headed home.

Did Jesus heal everyone else there? Don’t know. Doesn’t say. It just says he healed this one. But He healed the man on a Saturday, so, oopsies… the Pharisees are pissed that the man is carrying his bed, so they want to know who told him to pick up his bed on a Saturday. He doesn’t know, but then Jesus finds him in the Temple and says, “Don’t sin anymore or something worse will happen to you.”

Man… wow… it’s like “John” never read Job.

The man goes to tell the Pharisees that Jesus was the one who told him to carry his bed, then confront him and Jesus says, “Hey, Dad is working today and so am I.”

That makes them super mad because Jesus just called himself God’s Son.

Jesus: I can’t do anything of my own accord, I only do what I see God doing. God loves His Son and shows Me what He is doing and He will show me greater works than these, so you will be astonished. The Father raises the dead, the Son will likewise give men life. The Son will judge this world, so that all men will honor me as they honor the Father. If you believe in me, you will have eternal life.”

“The hour is here when those who hear my voice and believe will live. The hour will soon come when the dead will rise and the Son will judge them, the righteous to eternal life and the wicked to judgment.

I do nothing of myself. I do what the Father does and what He asks of me.

I am not alone in testifying of myself. John the Baptist said I was the Messiah. My works say I’m the Messiah, and the Father above says I am the Messiah… even though you haven’t heard him speak.

The Scriptures you search, they testify of Me, but you are unwilling to believe. But you seek glory only from each other, and not from God, so you will not believe Me or the words of Moses.”

The TL:DR Bible: John 3


Chapter 3:

Jesus has a conversation with Nicodemus.

Nic: Jesus, we know you’re from God because you do these great signs.

Well, no. The Pharisees of the other gospels continually challenged Jesus’ authority and the source of his ‘powers’.

Jesus: You must be born again to see the kingdom of heaven.

“John” presents a Jesus very different from the other gospels. Gone is the apocalyptic preacher telling people to repent and do good works in preparation for a kingdom. For this Jesus, inheriting the kingdom of God requires a supernatural event.

Nic: I can’t exactly crawl back up into mom’s uterus.

Jesus: You must be born of the Spirit to inherit the kingdom of God.

Nic: How is that possible?

Jesus: You’re a rabbi and you’re ignorant of these things? I must be crucified and whoever believes in Me will have eternal life.

“John” gives us the more orthodox version of Christianity that we’re used to. A supernatural event is required to save a man who puts his belief in Jesus’ ability to save him.

Jesus: God so loved the world that He sent Me, so that anyone who believes in Me will have eternal life. I did not come to judge the world, but to save it through Me. If you believe in Me, you will not be judged. If you do not believe in Me, you will be judged. Light has come to this world, but men prefer darkness because their deeds are evil.

Then Jesus goes off to Judea and starts baptizing people. John’s disciples get annoyed that everyone is leaving their master and flocking to Jesus, but John tells them to chill. His ministry is given by God and he was sent to point people to Jesus.

John the Baptist then repeats what Jesus just said about how salvation is about belief in Jesus… which… if he really knew that, you’d think he wouldn’t want any of his disciples to stay with him, but would tell them to all go to Jesus. I think the author might have taken a bit of license and put those words into John’s mouth.