It’s the second night where the king and Haman are dining with Esther.
King: Hey, Hon, what’s bothering you? Ask me anything and I’ll give it to you. Even half the kingdom!
Esther: Okay… that… actually sounds awesome. I want half the kingdom…
King: It’s only a figure of speech.
Esther: Oh… okay, well, how’s about you not kill me, my people, family, and friends?
King: Who wants to do that?
Esther: Well, here’s the edict, and it looks like it was Haman who put you up to this!
The king gets angry and storms off for a moment. Haman throws himself at Esther’s feet, falling on the couch next to her or on top of her lap. The king returns and sees this and thinks his drinking buddy is assaulting Esther, so he orders Haman taken into custody. The throw a bag over his head, and the king is trying to decide what to do with him.
Eunuch: Hey, he built a gallows for Mordecai, you know, the guy who saved your life.
King: Oh, cool. Hang him on that. That would be poetic justice.
So they did and it was. And the king calmed down and felt better.
So Mordecai takes over Haman’s position, and the king gives Haman’s estate to Queen Esther to dispose of as she pleases. Esther asks the king again to repeal the edict to kill the Jews, but the king can’t for some reason, so the king tells Esther and Mordecai to write out a new edict telling the Jews, “Oh, hey, you guys can defend yourselves, and go ahead and kill the women and children too if you want, and whatever those assholes owned is yours after they’re dead.”
Yeah, I can’t see that going wrong…
So Mordecai exits wearing some new clothes and a crown and the city of Susa rejoices, and the Jews rejoice, and lots of people convert to Judaism because they are a bit scared of the Jews now.
So the local Jews kill 500 of their enemies, but don’t take any of the spoils, and they capture Haman’s ten sons.
Esther: Sweetiepie, can we have one more day to kill people? Also, can we hang Haman’s sons on the big gallows that he built too?
King: Sure, Babe. You go kill to your heart’s content tomorrow too.
So the Jews kill 75,000 people the next day and then they decide that’s probably enough killing.
So that’s how the holiday of Purim began.
What is Purim?
Well, you fast a little the day before, then you read the book of Esther, and then you eat and drink and party, and from what I’ve read, you’re supposed to drink until you can’t tell the difference between the phrases “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordecai.” So… sounds like a Jewish St. Patrick’s Day, which sounds pretty awesome. Much better than Hanukkah sounds.
So the king taxed the people and look, if you want to read more about him and that awesome guy Mordecai, go find yourself a copy of the Chronicles of the Kings of Media and Persia… which don’t exist anymore, so why would an omniscient deity ask us to go read it? Oh well.
Well, that was a fun story with an actual narrative and characters and sure they probably didn’t kill all of those 75,000 people in self-defense, but I’m going to say that there weren’t that many assholes in this book, which is a nice change of pace.
Oh… tomorrow… tomorrow, we get into Trading Places: Chapter 1 and discover that God and the Devil are the Mortimer and Randolph Dukes of the universe.