The TL:DR Bible: 1 Corinthians 12-14


Chapter 12:

I want you to be aware about spiritual gifts. You used to be pagans worshipping false idols, so no one saying Jesus is accursed is speaking by the spirit of God, and no one can say Jesus is Lord apart from the Holy Spirit.

This same Spirit gives us different gifts, but they all come from the same God. Each one is gifted for the benefit of all. One is given wisdom, another knowledge, another faith, others can heal, others can perform miracles, others can prophesy, others are given great discernment, others the ability to speak in foreign languages, and others the ability to translate what is spoken.

You are all cells in the body of Christ. Each cell has its own usefulness. Not every cell can be part of a hand or foot or eye. If it were, we’d be a giant eyeball rolling around and that would be gross.

Those that seem weaker are necessary. We honor our unpresentable parts by clothing them. So God gives more honor to those that are part of the butt.

We are Christ’s body. God has chosen some to be apostles, some prophets, some teachers, then miracle workers, healers, helpers, administrators, and people who can speak in foreign languages. We need a well-balanced party. We can’t all be paladins or rogues, okay?

Desire the greater gifts, but there are more important things than your gifts.

 

Chapter 13:

Love is the better way.

I can be gifted and do great works, but if I lack love, I have nothing.

Love is patient, kind, it is not jealous, it is not arrogant or self-promoting, it acts appropriately, it seeks the welfare of others, it is not provoked to anger, it does not remember wrongs suffered, it does not celebrate injustice, but rejoices in truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. It never fails.

Gifts will come and go, but love remains.

Now we see dimly, but we will see fully one day and know all things. But now abide in faith, hope, and love, but love is the greatest.

 

Chapter 14:

Pursue love, but desire prophesy.

You can all speak in tongues, but it only helps if someone can translate for you. But when you speak the word of God, you benefit the entire church.

Seriously, if you all babble in ‘angelic’ languages or foreign languages, you’re going to sound like a bunch of barbarians to everyone. It’s not going to be helpful. Pray then that you have interpreters before you speak. I speak in tongues more than all of you, but I’d rather say five profitable words in Greek so everyone can understand me.

Tongues are given as a witness to unbelievers, but prophesy to believers. If everyone speaks in babbles, won’t the newcomers think you’re insane? (Yes. Yes, they will. I’ve been there.) But if everyone speaks the word of God, then a newcomer might be converted.

Have order to your services. If anyone wants to speak in a tongue, limit it to two or three and make sure you have a translator there. If there is no translator, let the tongue speakers remain silent. (Oh, they’ll be a translator there, Paul. They’ll make stuff up.)

Women need to shut up in church. They are not permitted to speak. If they want to learn anything, they can ask their husbands about it later. It’s not proper for a woman to speak in church.

If anyone is spiritual, he’s going to agree completely with me.

Keep your church services orderly.

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The TL:DR Bible: 1 Corinthians 9-11


Chapter 9:

Hey, I’ve got liberty, says Paul, but I don’t use it. I’m an apostle at the top of the heap. I should be supported by you. You should pay my expenses and give me food and drink. It says so in the Law. “Don’t muzzle the oxen while they thresh.”

God isn’t worried about oxen.

Oxen: “Thanks, Paul…”

You guys should take care of me, but I don’t demand anything from you. I preach the gospel because God compels me to do so. I don’t boast in my ministry.

Though I am free, I make myself a slave to all men. So I can win Jews, I keep the Law. So I can win Gentiles, I do not keep the Law with them. I do all of this to save some men.

I discipline myself so that I can finish and win the race of life and not be disqualified from ministry through my conduct.

 

Chapter 10:

My Jewish ancestors all followed Moses out of Egypt. (Probably not really…) and all ate manna and drank from the magic water giving rock which was an example of Jesus Christ. But God was pissed off at most of them.

Use them as an example. For instance, just because Jesus or Moses is gone, don’t throw a big orgy and worship a cow god. God killed 23,000 Jews that day. Or complain. God killed them with poisonous snakes. Or complain about your leaders, God killed more Jews over that. All of your temptations are pretty common. Resist. God won’t give you more temptation than you can handle without giving you an escape route.

So don’t worship idols. And don’t eat things sacrificed to idols, because they’re sacrificed to demons and you don’t want demons hanging around, do you? You can’t take communion with God and demons. Do you want to piss God off and make him jealous like Israel did?

I mean, you can do anything you want, so long as it doesn’t bother one of your fellow Christians. In fact, if you want a loophole, don’t ask the guy selling you the meat if this was offered to Zeus. Then you can eat all the tasty idol meat you want without inviting demons to hang around you.

But if someone mentions that it’s demon idol food, then don’t eat it, or else some other Christian will think you’re a heathen demon idol food eater.

Do everything to the glory of God and don’t offend anyone.

 

Chapter 11:

Imitate me, like I imitate Christ.

So follow my traditions that I gave to you. Jesus is the head of the household, but since he’s not visible, then the man runs things. I mean, God’s in charge, wink wink, but seriously… men are in charge of the home.

If you’re a dude and you wear a hat to pray, you’re a disgrace. If you’re a woman and you don’t wear a hat to pray, you’re a disgrace and a hussy. Your husband should shave your head to show your disgrace. Man is the glory of God, but woman is the glory of her man. Because man came first.

(“Ain’t that the truth,” said several wives of the congregation much to the horror of their husbands.)

So the woman has to wear a symbol of submission when she prays otherwise… angels get offended? Sure, Paul…

Oh, but neither woman or man are independent of each other. But seriously… dudes are in charge.

Cut your hair, you dirty hippies. But women should have long hair as a covering.

I’m talking to you because you guys suck.

When you hold your communion services, you guys don’t share with the hungry and poor. Each person devours his own meal so he is full, but his neighbor is hungry. Seriously… you guys suck.

Jesus, the night he was betrayed, took bread and said, “This is my body which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” And then he took wine and said, “This is my blood; do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” Your communion meals tell of the Lord’s death until He returns.

So if you eat the communion meal in an un-Christ like way, you’re profaning his body and blood and God will judge you for it to the point of death. So examine yourself and act faithfully.

When you have your communion meal, wait for everyone to gather together, then break bread and share among you so everyone can eat. If you’re hungry and you have food, eat something at home first.

The rest of your screw-ups, I’ll deal with when I arrive.

The TL:DR Bible: 1 Corinthians 6-8


Chapter 6:

Okay, more reasons why you guys suck.

You’re taking each other to court to resolve disputes. The church will judge the world and you guys can’t find one wise man to settle disputes? You should be ashamed that you’re dragging your fellow religionists to non-believers.

(Yeah! Take it to the Sharia law courts! Ha ha… whoops. Wrong religion.)

Anyway, you guys should bear injustices and wrongs against you.

The unbelievers won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Those people who engage in unauthorized screwing according to a Bronze Age law that endorsed slavery will not inherit the kingdom of God. Also, greedy people are out, so are alcoholics, people who go to parties, and people who engage in financial fraud. They’re all out. You guys used to be like that, but you were saved in Christ through the Spirit.

All things are lawful for me.

(Wait… you JUST SAID we can’t do a laundry list of stuff… make up your bloody mind, Paul.)

But not all things are profitable. You know, I could go nail some prostitutes, but then I’d be making the body of Christ one with a whore, so don’t do that.

 

Chapter 7:

Okay, you guys had questions. So yeah, celibacy is the best option. But you guys can’t handle that, so everyone get married so you can have authorized screwing. Your spouse owns your body, (Wow… there’s a good message… just lie back and think of England, even if you’re not in the mood…) so give it up, unless you guys agree to go without so you can pray and be spiritual.

But I wish everyone were celibate like me. If you’re widowed or not married, stay that way, but if you can’t handle not screwing, then get married.

Wives can’t leave their husbands, or if they do, they have to stay unmarried or go back to them. Husbands can’t divorce their wives.

If you’re married to a non-believer and they want to stay married, then stay married. Because you make your unbelieving family holy by staying in the house with them. But if they leave, then you can divorce and remarry.

Don’t seek to change your status and improve your life. Stay uncircumcised if you were saved that way. If you were saved as a slave, stay a slave, unless you can become free. But you know… slavery’s okay. Please don’t kill us all, nice Romans.

If you marry, it’s cool, but you’ll have trouble. Jesus is coming back soon, so we should all act like He can come any day now (even though it’s been 2,000 years…) The unmarried don’t have to worry about a spouse and can just devote themselves entirely to the church. We need Sunday School teachers, people.

Dads, you can decide what to do with your daughters. Sell them off to a man or don’t, either way is cool with God.

Widows, stay that way. We need Nursery workers. I think God will back me up on this one.

 

Chapter 8:

Remember that part of Romans where I said the same thing? Yeah, so you have perfect liberty to act according to your conscience… just kidding, you have to obey the dictates and avoid offending the sensibilities of the most legalistic Christians in the congregation. What a fun way to live, right?

The TL:DR Bible: I Corinthians 1-5


Chapter 1:

Hi, Corinth, this is Paul.

So, I’m totally thankful for you guys that you’re such good Christians and all, but you guys need to stop with the cliques and denominations you’re splitting into. I hear that some say they follow me, some follow Peter, some follow Apollos’ teachings, and the really super pretentious say they follow Christ. You’ve all been baptized into one fellowship, so knock that crap off.

Also, I know our message seems really stupid to educated people, but that’s just because God has decided to show them how stupid they really are. Really. God is super happy to have the ignorant fools proclaiming his message so He alone is glorified. I mean, hell, look at you losers. If anything good comes out of you, it’s totally God.

 

Chapter 2:

And me too, I guess. I came to you in weakness and trembling and I didn’t argue eloquently with you, so you wouldn’t be convinced by reason, but by God.

But we do speak wisdom now, you just have to be pretty deep into the cult. God’s hidden wisdom that none of the rulers or educated understand, otherwise they wouldn’t have killed Jesus.

“Uh, we didn’t… that was a handful of Roman officials and some Jewish priests…” said the educated.

So if you don’t have the Spirit of God, this religious seems really stupid. But if you have the spirit, then you understand how it all makes perfect sense.

Way to inoculate yourself from outside criticism, Paul.

 

Chapter 3:

And I’d really like to talk to you about the deep wisdom of God, but you guys are still ignorant children fighting amongst each other over whose teacher is better.

None of the teachers matter. They’re all farmers in God’s garden. One plants, one waters, one reaps the harvest. Just keep telling yourself that on Friday night as you’re at a fun location handing out Chick tracts to people actually enjoying their lives.

In the end, all will be judged. Everyone will pass through a fire, and only the good works will last. The rest of a man’s deeds and life will be burned up.

You are the Temple of God and you are holy. God will destroy those who destroy his Temple.

Don’t be deceived. If you’re educated, you need to become stupid, so you can obtain true wisdom. So don’t boast any more about your teachers, all things are yours, you belong to Christ, and Christ belongs to God.

 

Chapter 4:

Regard us as servants of God and keepers of the mysteries. I am not concerned about your judgment. I judge myself and find myself faultless, but that’s not important. God finds me faultless. So don’t judge before God does.

I write this as about myself, but it’s really about you. Don’t get prideful and boast of your accomplishments because everything was given to you.

You have entered into the kingdom and become rich and well-fed. I wish this were so, so I could reign with you. But God has decided to make the apostles suffer the most. Not that I’m complaining. Just over here suffering for Jesus hungry, cold, homeless, while you all are fed, warm, and living in a nice house. But don’t worry about us. We’re fine. Really. It’s our lot in life to suffer.

I’m not writing this to shame you, but to correct you as my children, because I gave birth to you. Not that you ever call or write anymore. Imitate me. The prideful ones, who talk bigly in my absence, I will correct when I come to you. The kingdom of God is not in words, but in power. So do you want loving dad or angry dad to visit you when I come?

 

Chapter 5:

Yeah, I’ve heard one of your congregants in nailing his stepmom and you guys are super cool with that and boasting of your tolerance.

Yeah, kick the guy out of the church and shun him. Tolerance is fine and all, but purge yourself of this guy, otherwise everyone will be nailing their stepmoms soon enough. I mean, when I said avoid immoral people, I wasn’t talking about non-Christians, otherwise you’d have to move to a compound and get all weird. I meant, when a Christian starts acting up, go ahead and kick him out and shun him.

Sure, it seems cruel, but you’re doing him a favor in potentially making him homeless, hungry, and penniless, because then maybe he’ll come crawling back and obey you. And if he doesn’t and dies, well, at least he goes to heaven, right?

I mean, when Jesus says “don’t judge, let you be judged,” he wasn’t talking about us. He really meant don’t judge the outsiders. God will take care of that. You guys totally judge one another.

The TL:DR Bible: Romans 14-16


Chapter 14:

Why the hell are you all quibbling and arguing over small matters of conduct and religious minutia? Your own conscience should guide your conduct in these matters, only be faithful to God. Do not judge each other over such things, for you all belong to God and God will be the one to judge each according to his deeds.

Sounds good.

Of course, then Paul says don’t do those things (like eat bacon or drink booze) that offend your fellow Christians or cause them to sin, so now they can dictate to you what you can do, so… you can do whatever your faith and your conscience permit, so long as you don’t bother the most uptight Christian in the room.

 

Chapter 15:

And we’re to do this because the uptight Christian is weak. (What if they’re just petty uptight jerks who like to control people?)

Jesus didn’t please himself. Of course, Jesus also told the Pharisees to get bent quite a few times if I recall my gospels correctly.

But Paul says we should be united and accepting of each other, as Christ has accepted us.

Paul starts to wrap up the letter: You guys are great. I’ve written to you boldly because I’m an apostle, and I boast only of those things God has done through me, like reaching the Gentiles. I’ve gone to places where Jesus wasn’t heard of, so I could start my own churches. That’s why I haven’t been to see you guys yet.

But now I’m carrying money from Macedonia and Achaia to Jerusalem. The Jews have shared spiritual things with you Gentiles, therefore it is fitting that you share material things with them. After this, I want to go to Spain, and then come to Rome and visit.

Pray for me that I don’t get arrested in Jerusalem.

 

Chapter 16:

Pheobe will be travelling with this letter. Receive her as a saint. She is an invaluable helper.

Say hi to Prisca and Aquila and their church. Say hi to Epaenetus, my first convert from Asia. Mary, who worked hard for you. Greet Andronicus and Junia who are first among the apostles. Yes, that’s right… a woman apostle… I know later people will try to invent a new masculine name for Junia, but she’s a woman and an apostle. And she was an apostle before I was.

Say Hi to a bunch of other folks.

Try not to fight amongst yourselves or become heretics. God will crush Satan under your feet.

All these other folks say “Hello.”

All glory to God. Amen.

The TL:DR Bible: Romans 10-13


Chapter 10:

Paul really wants Israel to convert. He says they are zealous for God, but ignorant, seeking to ensure their own righteousness instead of accepting the righteousness of Christ.

The righteousness of the Law requires a man to practice it fully, but the righteousness of faith requires confession and belief and it’s open to every man.

So Paul preaches to let every man know of the Lord and Jesus Christ.

But Paul says, the Jews heard, but don’t believe, so God is consigning them to hell and letting Gentiles find Christianity so the Jews will get jealous and come back to Him.

 

Chapter 11:

God didn’t cast all the Jews away, but has saved a few like Paul who converted because God chose to be gracious to them.

So Israel’s sin of unbelief brought salvation to the Gentiles, and their reconciliation will bring greater blessings still.

But in the meantime, God has cut them off for their unbelief and grafted the Gentiles onto the olive tree so they can be alive and saved. But only if they continue in belief. See how kind and horrible God is? Horrible to the people He cuts off, but kind to those He chooses to save?

God is blinding Israel to the truth and has for 2000+ years now, so that’s tens (if not hundreds) of millions of Jews who have gone to hell because God decided He could only save one group of people at a time.

Paul ends by saying how great and inscrutable God’s wisdom and ways are.

Yeah… that’s one way of putting it, Paul.

 

Chapter 12:

So, because you’ve been grafted in by belief, I’m going to lay down some law for you to follow.

Be humble. You are part of a community, like a cell in a body. Cooperate for the greater good. Serve your fellow man to the utmost.

Love without hypocrisy. Hate evil. Do what is good. Be bound together in love, putting the other first. Rejoice, be steadfast, pray, give liberally, open your home to your friends, brothers, and strangers.

Bless your enemies. Show empathy to the happy and the depressed. Do not be proud or arrogant. Never repay evil for evil. As far as you can, be at peace with all men. Do not avenge yourself, but trust in the justice of God. In fact, feed your enemy when he is hungry, give him drink when he thirsts. Overcome evil with good.

 

Chapter 13:

Obey your governing authorities. God has appointed them to be rulers over you, so in resisting them, you resist God. If you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. (HAHAHAHAHAHA… oh, Paul… you’re funny sometime.)

Obey the government’s laws, pay your taxes and levies, and show honor to those that require it.

Do not be a debtor to anyone except with love. Love fulfills all of the Law.

The end is coming soon. So let’s not get caught up in the daily temptations of life regarding the body: food, drink, sex, but rather focus on Christ because the end is coming soon.

The TL:DR Bible: Romans 8-9


Chapter 8:

There is no condemnation for those in Christ, because the law of the Spirit has set you free from the Law of sin and death. What’s the Law of the Spirit? I guess it’s the faith in the sacrifice of Jesus because that’s what Paul moves on to. Paul very much sees Jesus’ death as a human sacrifice to God for our sins. Paul fits the death of Jesus into the sacrificial system he knew so well. Thus God sacrifices himself to make God forgive our sins against Him.

There is more of the dichotomy between the body and the spirit. For Paul dwelling on the things of the Spirit brings life, thinking about the body and the world system brings death and enslavement. And though your body may still be concerned about the things of the ‘flesh’, your spirit is alive in Christ and God will ‘perfect’ your body so you can transcend them at the end of the world.

But we have to live in the Spirit, which… seems like we have to keep the Law, but we don’t have to worry about the sacrificial system anymore because we’re sons of God through the death and resurrection of Jesus.

So it’s okay to suffer now, because things are going to be great once Jesus shows up and redeems us and the world.  So we hope without sight or evidence to the contrary and wait for the end of the world.

The Spirit of God will help us in our weaknesses and help us pray.

God works everything out for good to those who love Him. Thus if the hurricane turns and misses your town and destroys another town, thank God it didn’t happen to you. If the hurricane hits your town and your home is destroyed, but you and your family are fine, thank God that it could have been worse. If the hurricane hits your town and kills your family, well, praise God , it must have been part of his plan to kill your family and make you homeless.

God wins in every case.

If God is for us, who can be against us. Since God made His son a human sacrifice for us, he’ll give us anything we need. And no one can condemn us because God is on our side.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

 

Chapter 9:

Paul is really bummed out about the Jews not believing in Jesus and wishes that he could go to hell in their place.

At this point, Paul makes God into a monster. Paul says that God chooses who he will have mercy on and who he will condemn and you’re powerless to voice an objection or question the goodness and justice of God because you’re just a thing He made. So God blinds some to the truth so He can condemn them to an eternity of suffering, so He can show how great His mercy is to those He chooses to save.

So we Gentiles should be happy that God decided He wanted to show us how great His mercy was after thousands of years of sending all of us to eternal damnation, and now it’s the Jews’ turn to spend the next 2,000+ years getting sent to hell when they die because God is blinding them to the truth, so He can show us Gentiles how great His mercy is.

Yes, God created billions of humans capable of self-awareness and pain and consigned the majority of them to eternal torture so the few He decided could come to the celestial home would appreciate just how merciful He was to them.

There’s the Old Testament God we know and loathe.