An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 6:1-91

This surah is called Livestock.

God is great. He made us from clay and set an expiration date for our lives. And you want proof? How else did we get here? (Natural selection. God might be a part of that, but he didn’t make us from clay. We evolved from unusually smart filthy monkey men.)

But God is pissed that we don’t believe in Mohammed, so he’s going with his normal plan of destroying us all.

Mohammed is convinced that if we all saw a magic book written by God come down from heaven that we would dismiss it as magic. No. No, I wouldn’t. If God handed down a book in full sight of everyone, that would be observable evidence. But he didn’t do that. You wrote a book and said “God did it.” Big difference.

You guys wouldn’t have believed it if an angel showed up and told you. Again, observable evidence. We’d still need some more proof that it was an angel and a good angel telling the truth at that, but it would be a pretty convincing piece of evidence. All we have instead is a desert warlord telling us he’s a prophet.

But God assures Mohammed that it’s okay if they don’t believe him, they didn’t believe the other guys who claimed to speak for God either. God will sort it out on the Day of Judgment when we all end up burning forever while he gets a nice plot for his heaven garden.

God is all-powerful and capricious. He can hurt you or bless you and you have no power to change it.

And he goes on and on about how the unbelievers will burn with fire forever.

Yes, we’ll all see on that day. And then we’ll cry and say, “You were right, Mohammed! Save us!” and he’ll say “No.” and laugh as we get dropped into fire.

There’s a bit here about how God blesses those towns that gave up their idols.

And a lot more about how wrong unbelievers are and destined for hell and we’ll all see then.

Abraham called out his dad over idolatry. But he had to go through watching the moon, sun, and a planet rise and set before he realized they weren’t gods.

And the people argued with him, but Abraham was like, “I know God has guided me. Now I must go to Egypt and sell my sister wife to Pharaoh for much gain and profit.”

And we gave him Isaac and Jacob.

“And you told him to kill me,” Isaac said.

“One time. Just one time. It was a joke,” said the Lord.

“Yeah, and I’m not a good person,” Jacob said. “I lied, deceived my father and brother, worshipped idols, I was literally a horrible father. My kids murdered a town.”

“You were guided by me, okay?”

He throws Lot in there too, because you can offer a rape mob your teenage virgin daughters and then get drunk and impregnate them and still be called ‘righteous Lot’ by the authors of holy books.

And Jesus was also really a Muslim.

And if someone says, “God hasn’t revealed anything to man,” you say, “What about the books of Moses?”

And then they’ll say, “Yeah, they weren’t written by Moses. They were written by multiple authors over hundreds of years before they were compiled into the books we have today. We’re not even sure Moses ever existed and there is zero archeological evidence that Egypt was destroyed or that two million Jews migrated from there and wandered around the desert for forty years and no evidence of the conquest of Canaan by Joshua. People wrote all of it. For God’s sake, it says that bats are birds.”

And then they’ll say, “No, God wrote it… that’s… that’s… what Mohammed said.”

For the record, we’re like 91 verses in and haven’t talked at all about livestock.


An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 5:87-120

Don’t outlaw the good things God has said are okay and don’t attack without being attacked. God hates aggressors.

Remember God and enjoy the food you can eat. Middle Eastern food is awesome so I will. But I’m still going to enjoy bacon.

If you make an oath in the spur of the moment, God’s cool if you don’t fulfill it. But if you make a serious oath, you have to do it or feed ten poor people the same stuff you feed your family, or give them some new clothes, or free a slave. If you can’t afford to do that, you have to fast for three days.

You can’t drink. (I’m out.)

You can’t gamble.

You obviously can’t worship idols.

And you can’t use divination.

Drinking and gambling create strife, so knock it off.

God’s going to overlook it if you eat bacon as long as you’re pious and charitable.

If you’re on pilgrimage, you can’t hunt animals. If you kill an animal, then you have to give up one of your own animals in exchange or feed the needy or fast. God will overlook your past, but will totally smite you with fire forever if you keep screwing up.

Ah, but you can fish on pilgrimage.

Don’t ask about thinks that would bother you if I told you about them. Probably little things like why a loving compassionate God allows pediatric cancer to exist. But if you ask about things before the entre Quran is revealed, that Mohammed will overlook your impertinence.

If you’re near death, make sure you get two guys to swear to be your executors. Do it after the daily prayers. And get two more guys to be your backups in case the first two guys are lying jerks.

At the end of the age, God will ask the prophets what response they were given. They’ll say, “We don’t know anything, you know everything.”

Then God addresses Jesus and says, “Hey remember when I was with you when you were alive. And you made a bird out of clay (didn’t happen) and breathed life into it because of me and healed people because of me and raised people from the dead because of me, but I made the Jews not believe in you.

“Then I gave you disciples and they asked you to conjure up a feast for them. But you said, “Have faith in God.” But they were insistent, so God said, “Fine, I’ll make you guys lunch. But if anyone stops believing in me afterwards, I’m going to-“

“Set us on fire forever. We KNOW.”

And then God says, “Jesus, did you tell these people you were God?” (Depends on what gospel you read.)

“Of course not!” Jesus will say. “But you know, maybe forgive my errant followers to show how awesome you are.”

And then presumably all the good Christians get their own Muslim Heaven gardens which is pretty progressive, so credit where it’s due, I guess. Now if He would only get over this idea of setting people on fire forever and hating the Jews…

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 5:36-86

Hey, did you know that unbelievers are going to be set on fire forever? Oh? You did. Well, Mohammed’s going to say it for the 100th time anyway.

If someone steals, cut off their hands to deter anyone else from stealing. But after they repent, God will forgive them because he’s merciful and forgiving. He won’t make the missing hand grow back, of course, but you’ll be forgiven.

God can do whatever he wants. He’s capable of anything, except perhaps writing a good book.

More stuff about how much Jews and unbelievers suck… well, they do. Especially the Jews who steal money. If a Jew comes to you in court, turn them away, or not. If you don’t turn them away, don’t treat them bad because they’re a Jew.

God wrote the Torah and gave it to the Jews so they should obey it. God wrote the gospels and gave it to the Christians so they should obey it. But God totally also gave me this new book which is more important than those other books. Now God could have made it obvious to everyone that this new book is from him, but he decided to test us… because the omniscient God of the universe who knows all things needs to test us.

Don’t be allied with Jews or Christians. If you do, you’re a filthy Jew too.

Unbelievers suck… God will totally help out the Muslims… don’t hang out with infidels, especially the ones that don’t take this stuff seriously.

Seriously, Christians and Jews suck. Here’s a quote I’m inventing for Jesus that proves he’s just a man because I said so and if you don’t believe me, God will… wait for it… set you on fire forever!  I cannot stress how much Christians and Jews suck and are cursed by God… and will be set on fire forever for not obeying God.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 5:1-34

Surah 5. This one is called “The Table.”

God is gracious and merciful but will still set you on fire forever if you cross him.

Keep your vows. You can have livestock, but not wild game during pilgrimage.

Keep all the feasts and fasts and religious trappings or else.

You can’t eat roadkill, blood, pork, or animals devoted to God. You can’t eat strangled animals, animals violently killed, animals torn apart by other animals, or animals killed as a sacrifice. And no rolling of dice. But if you’re starving and you have to eat and eat a bit of bacon, God will forgive you.

You can hunt with birds and dogs and eat whatever they get for you.

You can marry virgin Muslims and virgin Christians and Jews? That doesn’t sound right. But you have to marry them honorably. No fornicating.

Before you pray, God wants you to wash up. If you’ve had sex, wash up. If you’ve been to the bathroom or touched a woman on her period, wash up. If you can’t find water, use sand.

Act justly. Don’t worry about opposition to justice.

Hey, remember that one time when those guys were going to  do something bad to you, but didn’t? That was totally God.

Jews suck.

Christians suck.

Christians say Jesus is God, but we say God could, if he wanted to, kill Jesus and Mary and everyone else. So there. That’s definitely proof that we’re right.

Jews claim to be the chosen people, but God punishes them for their sins, so they’re just like the rest of us. God does whatever he wants to us and we’re all helpless to stop him.

Christians and Jews, a messenger has come to you to tell you the new truth… and then there will be no more messengers… just me. The last one. I mean, if someone else came and claimed to be a new messenger like I am, they’d be crazy or lying, but I’m definitely the real deal.

Then he talks about the story of the twelve spies and the ten who brought back a bad report and God sending Israel off to wander for forty years.

Then he talks about Cain and Abel and Cain not knowing how to bury Abel. But some ravens come and show him how to do it. And if you kill one person, it’s like you killed all of humanity.

Oh, and if you fight against Islam, you are to be killed OR crucified OR have your hands and feet cut off on opposite sides OR be banished. It’s nice you get the option to be killed OR crucified.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 4:153-176

Jews, am I right? Asking us for proof. Well, they asked Moses for greater proof and God killed some of them with lightning. And they worshiped the cow god after God did all those things in Egypt. (No archeological evidence that anything like that happened in Egypt and if it did, all of Egypt would have died.)

Because the Jews don’t believe in Muhammed’s message, God has decided to damn most of them. Which is also what Paul said back in Romans.

Jews say they kill the Messiah, Jesus, but they didn’t. God made it look like they did… which means God can deceive people and therefore isn’t good… God apparently took Jesus away to heaven and fooled them into crucifying someone or something… So Jesus will condemn the Jews too.

I mean, they control all the finance and take our money and charge interest on loans, so you know they’re going to hell, right?

We’re totally right and God totally backs me up, but you need to believe without proof.

And Christians, you’re wrong about the trinity.

Also, I’ve already given you proof.

More stuff about burning the wicked and unbelieving forever and ever and rewarding the believers.

And if someone asks you for a very specific case judgment, say, God already said that the estate of someone who dies without kids or parents should be divided between his brothers and sisters with the brothers getting more because women are only half as good as men because penis.

Seriously, if you’re still with me reading through this book, you deserve a medal.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 4:94-152

Don’t accuse people of being non-believers because you covet their stuff. Look into it first.

If you’re a lax Muslim, God likes you less than the active Muslims, unless you’re disabled.

When angels come to collect the souls of the lazy… I think… they’ll ask them why they didn’t do anything and then drag them off to hell… unless they were weak or a woman or a child… God might spare them.

If you travel for God’s sake, you’ll get bonus points in the afterlife.

As you’re travelling, if you have to cut your prayers short because you’re worried about the unbelievers oppressing you, it’s okay. Unbelievers are your enemy.

If you’re in the country of unbelievers, pray in groups with your hands on your weapons.

And if you’re pursuing your enemies, keep running after them.

Don’t try to ask for mercy for other people. They have to beg God for forgiveness on their own.

More about unbelievers being evil and wicked and in league with Satan and we’re going to be set on fire forever yada yada yada… Believers get their own garden.

Treat widows and orphans fairly.

If a women feels mistreated or abandoned in her marriage, they should try to reconcile. You can’t treat all of your women equally, but don’t treat one of them too badly.

God is all controlling and completely sovereign.

Apostates are going to get it worse.

Seriously, believe me when I say I’m speaking for God.

Apparently, God doesn’t want you talking religion with unbelievers. God doesn’t want you to be friends with unbelievers or He might judge you too.

God doesn’t want you to use profanity in public unless you’re dealing with an injustice.

You can’t pick and choose what parts of Islam to follow or God considers you an unbeliever.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 4:92-93

Muslims should not kill other Muslims unless it’s an accident. If you kill a fellow Muslim on accident, you have to free a Muslim slave and pay the victim’s family compensation. If he was a Muslim, but he was part of an enemy tribe, then you just have to free a Muslim slave. If he was a Muslim and belonged to an allied tribe, then you have to free the Muslim slave and pay the cash. If you don’t own slaves or can’t pay the fine, you have to fast for two months.

If you kill a Muslim deliberately, Mohammed says you’re going to hell.

This does not seem to have stopped Muslims from killing other Muslims much like the “Thou shalt not commit murder” command has not stopped Christians from committing murder. For a modern day example, see Yemen, where “Christian” England and “Christian” America are currently helping “Muslim” Saudi Arabia genocide Muslims because they’re the ‘wrong’ type of Muslim and have the ‘wrong’ politics.

Well, I’m depressed. And if you looked up what’s going on in Yemen, you’re probably going to need a drink, so I’ll leave off here today. Sorry for the short and sad post.

Seriously, if you’re in the United States, read up about Yemen, contact your Congressperson, Senator, and the President and urge them  to stop providing military support for war crimes and genocide.