Movie Reviews for People with Kids: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

Welcome back to our semi-regular feature wherein I continue to review movies that are six months old or more because it’s easier to get a 1,000 monkeys to write MacBeth (even accounting for the flinging of poo) than it is to get a night out to the movies some days.

Today is a very special movie review. It’s a movie that I’ve thought was awesome since the first moment I heard of it. It epitomizes modern American cinema in a way that few others have. After viewing it, there is only one question remaining:

So great movie or greatest movie?

So great movie or greatest movie?


Abraham Lincoln takes a look at the complex man that was our 16th president. A man who started out his life infected with the same sort of white supremacist beliefs that many American men held at the time, who through seeing the evils of slavery and confrontations with radical abolitionists including Fredrick Douglass, gradually evolved from someone who wanted to keep slavery legal to someone who wanted to end it and expatriate black Americans back to Africa to someone who embrace emancipation and accepted equality (as much as anyone in his day did anyway.) A man who skated the edge of constitutionally acceptable behavior (and arguably crossed the line a few times) to try and save the constitution and the Union. And someone looked at him and said, that’s nice and all, but wouldn’t it be more awesome if he were an 80’s action hero who killed people with an axe and he had a black sidekick?

So right away you know you’re in for a good time.

It looks at the institution of slavery from the point of view we might have had if were studying for an American History final at 2am the night before the test and we decided we’d study better if we were baked.

“Like, Dude… so slavery… you’re like living off the work and labor of others. Sort of like a parasite or a vampire. Dude, you’re like a vampire. What if the South was full of vampires and slavery wasn’t about unjustly profiting off of human misery because you’re a greedy, racist bastard, what if the South was eating slaves? Like literally eating slaves…”



Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is pure 100% cheese. It’s what would happen if Lethal Weapon met Buffy the Vampire Slayer at a party, they both got drunk and sired a kid in Wild, Wild West’s bedroom.


For those of you now imagining crazy Mel Gibson making out with Sarah Michelle Gellar, I apologize. For those imagining Joe Pesci making out with Kristie Swanson, seriously, what is wrong with you?

Abe witnesses his mother getting killed by a vampire. Tries to kill that vampire. And a montage later (because what cheesy 80’s style action flick would pass up a chance for a good montage training sequence), he’s out there killing vampires with his silver lined ax while rising through the political establishment to become the President where he kicks off the Civil War to put an end to the Southern Vampires once and for all.

It all culminates in a fight sequence on a locomotive carrying silver to Gettysburg atop a burning bridge that is just glorious in how over the top it is. And that’s not withstanding the logistics of Lincoln getting the results from the first day of the Battle of Gettysburg, collecting all of the silver in Washington DC, having it melted down to munitions, packing it all up, and having it shipped to Pennsylvania in time to make a difference when the battle only lasted for three days. What I’m saying is that I think Abe might have called up his good friends Bill and Ted and borrowed their phone booth to set all this up.



Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is definitely worth a spin if you appreciate over the top bad movies, enjoy a bottle of wine with your movies, or just appreciate good ol’ American cheese. And most of the time, it beats the work of a thousand monkeys, except for that one draft they wrote where MacBeth was a Terminator. That was awesome.

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