Okay, people. Look, when the Climate Change mad scientists came along and claimed that unless we gradually reduced our carbon output and set a goal of increasing renewable energy because the world would start to warm and it would eventually become a problem, we rightfully ignored them and bought a Hummer.

When they said, we needed to drastically cut our emissions and immediately invest in a renewable energy economy, or we were going to see melting ice caps, rising sea levels, lack of food, the desertification of the Southwest United States, we ignored them because our houses weren’t on the beach (yet) and the Senate approved the Keystone XL tar sands crude oil pipeline.

But now, these lunatic scientists are threatening the supply of chocolate unless we give in to their demands:

Half of the world’s cocoa comes from the West African nations of Ivory Coast and Ghana. An expected temperature rise of more than two degrees Celsius by 2050 will render many of the region’s cocoa-producing areas too hot for the plants that bear the fruit from which chocolate is made, says a new study from the Colombia-based International Centre for Tropical Agriculture (CIAT).

“What we are saying is that if we don’t take any action, there won’t be sufficient chocolate around in the future,” said Peter Läderach, the report’s lead author.

Very well, scientists. You have my attention. Don’t shoot the hostage. We can talk this out. Do you… do you want a helicopter and a plane to the destination of your choice? Okay, okay, we’ll start small. How about pizzas? Do you want some pizzas? If we send in some pizzas, maybe as a sign of good faith, you guys can release one box of See’s chocolates?

No, we don’t have snipers on the rooftops. No. Don’t do anything rash. Oh, dear God. No. He’s eating it! Eating it! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Curse you, SCIENCE!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s