Movie Reviews for people with small kids: Quick Hits


I haven’t done these in a while. Mostly because I don’t have time. I had two toddlers running about demanding my constant attention.

So here are a few short(ish) reviews for movies that came out a year ago because I can’t get out of my house with my wife to see a movie except when the stars align and the Great Old One Cthulhu rises from his sleep in Ryleh, and in horrific majesty raises his head to gaze out at the world of man, and sees his shadow and gives us all six more weeks of winter.

I could kill all of the humans, or I could go back to bed, wait a few weeks and they'll probably do themselves in...

I could kill all of the humans, or I could go back to bed, wait a few weeks and they’ll probably do themselves in…

I may be confusing my lore.

Wreck-It Ralph

A charming kid’s movie about not letting others or your job define who you are and a homage to the great arcade games of my youth. The titular character goes on a quest to prove that he’s a hero and not the bad guy he plays and almost wrecks everything (see what I did there) before it all comes together. Some great gags, a cute romance between Fix-it Felix and a Space Marine, and a ton of throw backs to other classic games make it worth seeing. On the other hand, Sarah Silverman voices a hyperactive little kid in a world made of candy and sugar, so there’s that too.

This would be the best argument I can make for legal and free birth control.

This would be the best argument I can make for legal and free birth control.

Still worth checking out.

Skyfall

James Bond is Batman. Javier Bardem is the most Bondiest Bond villain ever with an extreme love of overly elaborate murder and escape plots that would be impossible to pull off unless he got a look at the movie script and had a talk with the director beforehand.

I mean, why should I use a cell phone to call M, tell her I’m alive and then shoot her in the head with a sniper rifle, when I can (uh… spoiler alert, I guess) steal a list of undercover allied agents, wait three months, blow up her office, lure James Bond to my Evil Bond Villain Island Fortress™ , let him kill all of my henchmen and take me prisoner so I can be put in the Villain Glass Cage, after which all of my plan depends on you being stupid enough to hook my laptop up to your network, where I will download a virus that sets me free, where I have to kill two trained agents, change into a police uniform, go underground into a subway tunnel, where I have planted a bomb that I must have planted months ago, just in case I am pursued that will cause a train to fall into the tunnel killing my pursuers (except it’s Bond so it didn’t take), where I can try to kill M in front of a Parliamentary committee hearing.

Sweet fracking Buddha, that is the best overly elaborate Bond villain plan that relies on near omniscience ever devised. It makes the Joker’s plans in The Dark Knight seem plausible.

Also more plausible? Joker Ledger’s hair.

Also more plausible? Joker Ledger’s hair.

That said, it’s a Bond movie. You know going in that suspending your disbelieve will involve an industrial crane, and it’s all about the characters. And the characters are all back, including a few that were left out of the latest Craig movies, and they’re all top notch.

It’s a fun ride, even if it doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Life of Pi

Visually stunning. The Life of Pi is the story of a young man growing up in India and how he ended up in a lifeboat with a Tiger for over a month. I can’t stress how much of a beautiful movie this is. And the story is compelling enough that I never got bored spending an hour and twenty minutes watching a kid lost at sea with a tiger.

It was times like these: lost at sea with a cranky, seasick, hungry, man-eating tiger that Calvin regretted not choosing the dachshund stuffed animal to be his imaginary best friend.

It was times like these: lost at sea with a cranky, seasick, hungry, man-eating tiger that Calvin regretted not choosing the dachshund stuffed animal to be his imaginary best friend.

That said, despite the claims, the story won’t make you believe in God. Well, it might, but it will probably make you believe that Job is a literal history of events and that God regularly places bets with Satan on how much misery a human soul can take before the man curses God.

That said, it’s definitely worth seeing once.

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