C is for Climate Change…


Hey, look, the US finally got around to accepting national science curriculum standards for climate change.

I guess those Ferrari-driving scientists are finally colluding with the publishing industry to bilk us out of more tax dollars.

American school children will for the first time receive extensive lessons on climate change following the adoption on Tuesday of new science education guidelines.

Hey, that’s good news. Given how we’ve done jack all about stopping the flow of CO2 into the air, the kiddies of tomorrow will probably have all sorts of questions about why there’s less food and their state governments are nearing a shooting war over water rights. This should provide an explanation.

However, the final standards were substantially weakened from earlier drafts.

Of course they were…

They are also less explicit than earlier drafts about the human role as a driver for climate change. “It’s buried at best,” said Mark McCaffrey, policy director for the National Center for Science Education.

Okay… probably for the best. We wouldn’t want them to blame grandma and grandpa for sentencing them to live through a mass extinction for our own short term benefit, because they might start wondering if it’s their own short term benefit to turn the lot of us into Soylent Green. It’s what Ayn Rand would do, you know, if she didn’t get her Social Security check on time and was feeling a might peckish.

The new science teaching standards will introduce climate change as a core aspect of science education for middle and high school students in up to 40 states – in many for the first time.

Judging from past events, I’m guessing the remaining 10 states would have to include Mississippi and S. Carolina.

Mario Molina, deputy director at the Alliance for Climate Education, said the experts drafting the guidelines had cut 35% from the sections devoted to climate change, in response to public comments. He did not believe it was political, but was response to a need to compress a great deal of material.

However, he said teachers will now need additional materials and clarifications to teach climate change in detail.

Earlier versions had proposed introducing some aspects of climate change as early as kindergarten.

Lesson 1: How to tell if that’s a dolphin swimming in your bedroom or a shark.

The standards are also much vaguer about the causes of climate change. An earlier version for primary school students had said explicitly that human activity was a driver of climate change. “It’s not as explicit in terms of the connection between human activities and climate change,” Molina said.

See the aforementioned comment about not wanting them to blame us and turn us all into Soylent Green. It’s easier to lie to them than to try and convince the government to do anything other than fork over more money to Exxon/Mobil.

McCaffrey said the lack of clarity could be an opening for teachers to teach their own opinions in place of science, or resort to DVDs and other materials being pushed into classrooms by conservative groups that deny the existence of climate change.

Replace could be with this definitely will happen, oh sweet Buddha, will it happen and that sentence is slightly more accurate.

“That’s right, kids, Climate Change is happening and storms regularly wipe our town off the map because Susie has two mommies…”

“Today’s video, brought to you by BP: Desertification: Good for America because getting rid of all those pesky plants has made it just as easy to drill for oil in America as it used to be in Saudi Arabia before oil workers started to spontaneously combust. “

“Look, kids, think of them less as super-storms wiping our town off the map and more as job creators for the folks who clean up the mess and construct new houses.”

(Author’s note: These are much funnier if you read them in the voice of Troy McClure.)

The new guidelines also offered far less time for teaching about the physics involved in the greenhouse effect. Such knowledge was critical to ensuring students understand that greenhouse gases cause climate change, and that such emissions must be cut to prevent the worst effects of climate change.

Why is it so hot here, Billy? Well, those ‘scientists’ would like you to believe that it’s because of how everyone commutes in a single car 50 miles to their jobs every day. But we all know that it’s because Ra, the Sun God, is angered with us. Sacrifice to Ra, children. Sacrifice to Ra…. Unless you plan on sacrificing a coal plant.

Some 18 states have considered “academic freedom acts” that would allow teachers to depart from established science and deny the existence of climate change – including seven this year alone.

Yes, that does make one feel rather pessimistic, but on the bright side, when our society collapses and we’re all cruising around through the desert in leather armor Road Warrior style, these politicians will probably be the first ones to die at the hands of angry raider gangs.

Eh, we had a good run. Did more than the dinosaurs did in any event. Maybe the Zarblaskians who evolve on up after we’re gone will learn from our mistakes and give a damn about their environment.

Of course, by the time they have their own Congresses and Parliaments and they settle their Climate Change debate, the sun will start to exhaust its fuel supply, expand, and incinerate them all anyway.

And so it goes…

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