In theaters this week…


Author’s note: All movies have been reviewed based solely on my gut reaction to their stars, directors, synopsis, and sometimes trailers.

Oblivion

Rotten Tomatoes score: 58%

Starring: Couch Jumping Maverick, God, and a Bond girl.

Synopsis:  It appears that Maverick is doing the Wall-E thing: hanging around on Post-Apocalyptic Earth salvaging bits of our culture (you should see his Battlefield: Earth collection), when something unexpected happens and he discovers that he’s working for the bad guys and joins up with God who is the rebel leader or something, followed by lots of explosions.

Gut reaction: This looked like a good movie from the trailer, if they had cast literally anyone other than Tom Cruise. I just can’t take Tom Cruise seriously in a movie anymore after South Park.

The Lords of Salem

Rotten Tomatoes score: 43%

Starring: The director’s wife, starving actors in need of a paycheck

Synopsis: “Heidi, a radio DJ, is sent a box containing a record — a “gift from the Lords.” The sounds within the grooves trigger flashbacks of her town’s violent past. Is Heidi going mad, or are the Lords back to take revenge on Salem, Massachusetts?” IMDB

Fun fact, several people in New England at the time were saying that the witch trials were complete nonsense. Eventually, the families of those convicted eventually got the Court to reverse its verdict and pay them compensation for sending their loved ones off to die on account of everyone living in pants wetting terror of the Wicked Witch of the West. And quite a few of those in charge at the time later repented of their actions and apologized.

So just to be clear, the people in the 17th and 18th century recognized that they had simply screwed up big time and there were no epidemic of witches in Salem, just a lot of gullible, fearful people. All that to say that it’s time to lay to rest the idea that Salem is some hotbed of supernatural activity.

I expected more historical accuracy from you, Rob Zombie. For shame.

Gut reaction: Look, I’m not a big fan of the horror genre, so I’m out because it doesn’t interest me. YMMV.

In the House

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 85%

Starring: Kristin Scott Thomas who irritates me because I cannot come up with a nickname for her; French people.

Synopsis: A sixteen-year-old boy insinuates himself into the house of a fellow student from his literature class and writes about it in essays for his French teacher. Faced with this gifted and unusual pupil, the teacher rediscovers his enthusiasm for his work, but the boy’s intrusion will unleash a series of uncontrollable events. (c) Cohen Media

Gut reaction: Given my love for all things nerd, a suspenseful movie set in the home of a French teacher is about as far from my niche as possible. It does sound right up the alley of my wife, though, so we will probably be renting it at some point.

Home Run

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20%

Starring: Vernita Green; And others.

Synopsis: A big time baseball player has some trouble with the law, gets suspended from his team, goes back to his small town where he very likely initially hates everything and everyone, but eventually learns small town values coaching the local Little League team and finds new faith.

Gut reaction: Ever since The Passion of the Christ, when Hollywood executives first discovered that Christians have money and they’ll spend their money on Christian stuff, you get a few of these types of movies put out every year that previously would have been released as Hallmark original movies. Now, they get a short theater release because, “I like money” is still the motto in Hollywood, and as of yet, Hollywood has been unsuccessful at getting church bookstores to stock (or pastors to promote) more standard Hollywood fare like Django Unchained and Scary Movie 5.

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