I’ve long been a proponent of the Drunk Stoner theory of Taco Bell, which is that one day, some corporate executive was looking over sales charts and noticed a massive spike in sales between 1-4am, when everyone still awake has had some libations (legal or otherwise) and is leaving the bars and clubs and looking for food to soak up some of the libations in their stomachs before said libations end up splattered all over their car dashboards.
Having hard data that showing that this demographic was the overwhelming one that Taco Bell appealed to, our Taco Bell executive decided, “What the hell?” and set out to capture 100% market share of those drunks and stoners.
What was born from that brave executive’s decision became the Beefy Crunchy Burrito, a nearly ½ lb. ‘burrito’ stuffed with flaming hot Fritos, because Dude…. Dude…. Duuuuuuuuuuude.
Now, these have been around before, but I (visiting Taco Bell only when the weight of my sins and character flaws drives me to seek out self-destructive penance) missed it. Now, I’m not Catholic, folks, but I think the scale is one visit to Taco Bell is equal to 150 Hail Marys. Consult your local priest or culinary expert.
Anyway, the Beefy Crunch Burrito comes with: ground beef, rice, nacho cheese, flaming hot Fritos, and reduced fat sour cream (because Taco Bell cares about your health.) It weighs in at about ½ a pound, contains 510 calories, with 23 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbs, and 14 grams of protein.
So how does it taste?
Like shame and instant regret.
No, no, I’m kidding. It’s not good by any stretch of the word. Lord, no. The whole thing is overwhelmingly salty and that is the dominant taste that unites all of the ingredients together.
I mean, the Taco Bell ground beef is overpowering, whatever they put on it (in addition to the salt) overwhelms most other flavors. Here, though, I can still taste the flaming hot Fritos which sort of go with it. You get enough of the latter spread out over the burrito that the texture and the contrasts between the chips and everything else is consistent.
My particular burrito was made in such a way that the rice was nearly separate from everything else, so by the time I got through the beef and sour cream, the last few bites were of rice and Fritos, which wasn’t exactly a great combination, but wasn’t horrifically inedible either.
And to be fair, if you’re looking to cram beefy, salty, fatty death in a tortilla into your food hole in the hopes of staving off a reversal of the alcohol you poured into your food hole over the course of the night, you probably don’t care how it tastes. So there’s that.
Besides, you could do worse.