Nerd News Roundup


Jurassic Park 4

Yes… 4. Seriously. 4. Because there were so many unanswered questions remaining after the first three movies:

Jurassic Park: Capitalists are kind of jerks who exploit nature for profit and it will all blow up in our faces one day. Also, T-Rexs are awesome and I want one to ride on for my daily commute.

Jurassic Park 2: Environmentalists are kind of dicks. Seriously, go rewatch it and try to tell me that that’s not the moral. Every bad thing that happens is the result of one of the ‘heroes’ trying to stick it to the ‘villains’.

Also T-Rexs are still awesome and it would be even better than I could have dreamed of to ride one to work every morning.

Jurassic Park 3: Uh… I don’t know… Dinosaurs… something something Sam Neill needs a paycheck… Raptors…. They used to be kind of cool, right? Yeah, we think this is lame too.

So now 4 has apparently come along to remind us all that these movies existed at one time. The director would like us to know that:

“It’s important to make a movie for the fans but I also have to remember that there’s a lot of people who just couldn’t care less and need me to make a solid case for why the hell there’s a Jurassic Park 4 in the first place and I want to make a movie for them too…”

Yes, but we don’t want you to. We’re perfectly okay going through life without JP4. Thanks. Kindly go make another indie movie. Maybe about a quirky girl. I know there have been a thousand of those made already. That’s the point. It’d still be fresher than any Jurassic Park sequel that the studio can crap out.

Thor: The Dark World

Woobie lovers everywhere, Thor director Alan Taylor has heard your prayers and has decided to go back and do some reshoots to cram more Loki into the sequel.

We’re doing full scenes, scenes that were not in the movie before. We’re adding scenes, creating scenes, writing scenes for the first time… We realized how well Loki was working in the movie, and we wanted to do more with him. So it was that kind of thing. It was like, ‘Oh, we could do this, we could jam this in here because he’s such a wonderful guy to watch do his stuff.’

TMNT

Hey, everyone looking forward to the new TMNT Michael Bay produced reboot! Yes, you sir. I’m talking directly to you all the way in the back there. I’m glad you’re here, otherwise, I’d be talking to no one.

Anyway, showing confidence in the movie, the studio has quietly moved it from an early June opening to an August opening.

But I’m sure the movie will show all of the care and devotion to craft and source material that Michael Bay is famous for…. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Movies for nerds opening this week:

I haven’t seen any of these, so I’m mostly guessing at the plot synopsis.

  • Kick-Ass 2: The touching story of a boy from Uzbekistan and his violin during the last days of the Soviet Union. You’ll be amazed at the intricate native costumes and how cheap life was in a brutal Soviet Union where profanity and violence were the normal interaction.
  • Jobs: A documentary about the 2007 recession and the plight of the long term unemployed narrated by Kelso from That 70’s Show.
  • Paranoia: Thor and Commissioner Gordon team up to take down Han Solo with computers. Computers are still nerdy, right?
  • Austenland: Twilight author Stephanie Meyer makes her first foray into film producing with this romantic comedy about a 30-something woman whose lifelong obsession with all things Jane Austen lead her to an eccentric theme park based on the author’s writings, and into the company of a handsome young suitor.

Uh, that last one wasn’t a joke either. That’s the actual opening paragraph of the plot synopsis.

Alternatively, you can also go see a movie about the White House Butler.

Television

Occasionally, I like to migrate over the TV side of things and see what’s happening out there in America.

Huh… what’s this?

Coming off of a record-breaking season, A&E’s Ducky Dynasty has nabbed another huge ratings feat with its August return. The unscripted comedy drew a record 11.8 million viewers during Wednesday’s one-hour premiere. That’s almost 2 million north of its previous record, making it cable’s biggest nonfiction series to date.

All right then…

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