Fall TV preview, pt. 1


It’s that time of year, when I should gaze into my Magic 8 ball and TV Guide and look into the distant future of later this month to see which new shows will be adding themselves to my DVR list and which shows I will avoid like a weasel hopped up on meth and pixie stix wielding a chainsaw.

ChainsawFerret

Thank you, Internet for proving that no analogy, however bizarre it is, will lack a picture.

I’ll sort them this year by premier date. First up, a show premiering tonight:

Sleepy Hollow

  • Channel: Fox
  • Premieres: Sept. 16, 9pm/8c
  • For:
    • People who liked Fringe
    • Students of 18th century American Literature

Premise: The Headless Horseman starts causing havoc in modern day New England and upgrades to a shotgun and body armor. Fortunately Ichabod Crane has been playing Rip Van Winkle (The aforementioned literary students will see what I did there…) and has been resting up for the last 250 years. He teams up with a cop to stop the undead killer.

Pluses: It’s from the folks who brought us Fringe, so +1 in my column. Plus it seems just so over the top crazy, so +1.

Cons: It seems just so over the top crazy. -1

Verdict: I’m watching the pilot, at least.

Longevity Prediction: It’s a sci-fi show on Fox that references 18th century American literary characters. It’ll be lucky if it makes it to 12 episodes.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

  • Channel: Fox
  • Premieres: Sept. 17, 8pm/7c
  • For: I don’t know… Reno 911 fans?

Premise: A comedy police show staring Andy Samberg. I’m guessing he gets stuck with a mismatched partner and hilarity ensues.

Pros: It has Terry Crews in it.

Cons: So did Norbit.

Verdict: Eh… No. You guys watch it. Let me know if turns out to be funny and I’ll catch it later on Netflix

Longevity Prediction: 2 seasons.

Dads

  • Channel: Fox
  • Premieres: Sept. 17,  8:30/7:30c
  • For: Seth MacFarlane fans

Premise: Two video game developers end up having their dads move back in with them. I’m guessing their dads won’t be politically correct. So, sort of like “S*** my Dad says” but times two. What’s “S*** my Dad Says?” you ask. Yeah…

Pros: I admire Seth MacFarlane’s work ethic and ability to make piles of money.

Cons: I stopped watching his shows years ago.

Verdict: No.

Longevity Prediction: Well, “S*** My Dad Says” lasted a season before getting the axe, but MacFarlane does have a pretty intense fan base, so I’m guessing this sticks around for at least two.

The Blacklist

  • Channel: NBC
  • Premieres: Sept. 23 at 10pm/9c
  • For: Silence of the Lambs fans

Premise: James Spader is a master criminal who surrenders and then plays mind games with an attractive young Federal agent while helping her solve crimes and… yeah, it’s Silence of the Lambs.

Pros: James Spader

Cons: I guess I’ll have to watch it to find out.

Verdict: I’ll watch the pilot

Longevity Prediction: I’m going to watch it, and I’ll probably get hooked into it, so I’m going to say 12 episodes, but cancelled after 9 and then they’ll run the last 3 episodes after a six month break on a Saturday at 1am.

Hostages

  • Channel: CBS
  • Premieres: Sept. 23 at 10pm/9c
  • For: Fans of the Mob Doctor?

Premise: Tony Collette is a surgeon who must perform an emergency operation on the President. Her family is taken hostage and threatened as a result. I’m guessing she’ll be blackmailed into giving the President breast implants. I don’t know.

Pros: …

Cons: Everything about that sounds like the plot of a novel I’d find in an airport when I realized I hadn’t brought anything good with me to read.

Verdict: I’m out.

Longevity Prediction: Yeah… how many times can a gal be called upon to operate on an important world leader and get her family taken hostage?  And how long can they stretch that scenario out? Cancelled after a season.

Mom

  • Channel: CBS
  • Premieres: Sept. 23 at 9/8c
  • For: People who will watch any damn thing

Premise: Anna Faris is a recovering alcoholic and single mom who moves to a new town for a fresh start and has to deal with her mother. So it’s Sitcom Plot #358 recycled for the next generation.

Pros: None

Cons: Everything about the premise

Verdict: No way… no… not gonna happen.

Longevity Prediction: It’s a CBS comedy from Chuck Lorre, so it’ll be on until Anna Faris’ TV kids grow up and she becomes the mom they clash with.

The Goldbergs

  • Channel: ABC
  • Premieres: Sept. 24 at 9/8c
  • For: People who will watch any damn thing, Middle-aged people who wax nostalgic

Premise: I’m old enough to remember the 80’s. They sucked. But ABC hopes that we’re all feeling nostalgia for the era of bad clothes and their TGIF comedy night, as they bring us a sitcom set in the era when Kirk Cameron was a television god, instead of shilling for God on television.

Pros: Ha ha ha ha, it’s funny that you would think there were any…

Cons: Everything

Verdict: Another 80’s icon, the Terminator, needs to be sent back in time to stop this show from happening.

Longevity Prediction: 2 seasons

Lucky 7

  • Channel: ABC
  • Premieres: Sep. 24 at 10/9c
  • For: No idea.

Premise: Seven employees at a Queens gas station find their lives upended when they win the lottery.

Pros/Cons: I haven’t heard anything about this show

Verdict: Not for me. Dramas about people imploding their lives don’t really appeal to me.

Longevity: 12 episodes before the axe falls.

Agents of SHIELD

  • ABC
  • Premieres: Sept. 24 at 8/7c
  • For: Avengers Fans, Nerds

Premise: Agent Phil Coulson proves that death is just as much of an impediment to the Marvel Cinematic Universe as it is to Marvel Comics, by coming back to lead a team of elite recruits to deal with all of the aliens, mutants, supervillains that show up every week.

Pros: Coulson Lives! It’s part of the Marvel universe, which has been pretty great.

Cons: It’s a Joss Whedon Sci-fi show, so that never bodes well for its longevity

Verdict: Do you really need to ask? It’s already on my DVR’s scheduled recordings for a season pass.

Longevity: It’s a Joss Whedon Sci-fi show, but it’s an established property with a big following that Disney seems committed to. Also I’m guessing if the ratings start slipping, they can probably get at least one of the Avengers to guest star. I’d give it at least through 2015 when the Avengers 2 comes out.

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