Reflections after a panic attack

There are moments in your life where it’s natural to pause and reconsider your life. I’m turning 40 this year. And I just had what I thought was a heart attack that turned out to be a panic attack. I’m not unconvinced that the two were unrelated.

Mortality was never something I thought about until I got a call one day about my grandfather dropping dead of a heart attack. One moment he was here, smiling, friendly, the great man I had always loved. The next, he was gone from my life. I’d never get to travel up north for the holidays to see him again. I’d never get to call him and talk. I’d never get to introduce him to his great-grandchildren.

Christ’s statement that He is our resurrection and our life and that no one who believes in Him truly dies is a comfort, but it doesn’t change any of the above.

And it made me reflect, okay obsess, on the fragility of life and how quickly things can change from one moment to the next.

Now, my own ‘emergency’ was my body responding to years of my own mind keeping those fears to myself.

So I found myself in the hospital not quite knowing what was happening to me, but knowing it was bad.

It wasn’t.

I got out with a clean bill of health. Oh, I need to start taking anti-anxiety medication and they’re giving me a beta blocker to help regulate my heart beat which they assume is elevated because of the tricks my mind is playing on my body. But there’s nothing wrong with my heart at least from four EKGs, two ultrasounds, three blood tests, and a stress test.

So now, here I am, reassessing my life. Having my mid-life crisis, I guess.

Things need to change because if I had been facing heart surgery and the risk of death, I’m not sure I’m in the place I want to be when I head off to meet my maker, not out of fear this time, but out of a realistic self-assessment. I’ve got stuff to do and time’s wasting.

Anyway, I’ll post more later.


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