Last minute shopping ideas from the church of Scientology

Yes, you too can have your very own E-meter for the low, low price of only $5,000!

Copy: “Your guarantee of total freedom … With this meter, your auditing will never be the same again. Your preclears will make spectacular progress up the Bridge. The Mark Ultra VIII meter’s unequaled precision, clarity, and ease of operation are here for you … with accuracy guaranteed for eternity.”

Drew Says: I like that this product is supposedly guaranteed for eternity, because a) that is obviously not possible, and b) I bet if your shit breaks, and you take it to your designated Sea Org admiral, he’ll make you buy six more. For $5,000, this piece of shit oughta make you a decent cappuccino, operate your home thermostat remotely, and finely dice vegetables. But instead, all you get is a lie detector that doesn’t work. It doesn’t even have WiFi. Now how am I supposed to upload all of Cousin Jenny’s thought crimes to the cloud? WHAT A RIP.

There are definitely moments in life when I think that all religions are simply tools used to control people and steal their money by promising them some ethereal future happiness that doesn’t exist. This is one of them.


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