Weird Wednesdays: God’s plan for the Jewish people according to some evangelicals

God: “Okay, guys, I’m going to make you guys my chosen people and you get all of the land as far as your eyes can see.”

Israel: “Cool. So we stay here, build cities, put down roots and eventually it’ll all be ours?”

God: “Uh… no. You guys are off to Egypt where one of your patriarchs will be ruling because of a severe famine, and you’ll grow as a nation there.”

I: Couldn’t we just skip the famine?

God: No, I’ve really got my heart set on the whole famine and letting people starve bit. But you guys will be okay cause I’m watching out for you.

I: Okay, But then we come back, right? Maybe buy some land here or conquer a city. Hey, maybe a son of that Melchizedek guy who serves you and is king of Salem will give us some land to settle?

God: No, the Egyptians will undergo some pretty severe political and ethnic shifts and enslave all of your people for 400 years.

I: Uh… why?

God: They’re worried you’ll align with their political enemies and take over.

I: Couldn’t we just leave then?

God: Goodness no, I need some time to let the Canaanites sin some more before I get angry enough to let you kill them all.

I: Okay… and why do we need to be in slavery though?

God: It’ll make for an awesome sermon illustration for future pastors 4,000 years from now about how sin is like slavery. Anyway, after 400 years and a few edicts from Pharaoh about killing all of the Jewish male babies, I’ll raise up a deliverer.

I: And then we’ll be free?

God: No, he blows it and kills an Egyptian too early and goes and lives in the desert for 40 years.

I: While Pharaoh is still busy enslaving us and killing our male children?

God: Yep. But then Moses comes back, I kill all the firstborn of Egypt and you’ll be on your way back to Canaan.

I: Okay… And then we get the land.

God: No, then you travel in circles for 40 years because I get a bit muffed at your descendants for not going out to kill all the Canaanites. But then, after 40 years, you get to come back and kill all of the Canaanites.

I: Okay, then we’re all good, right?

God: Eh… not really. You don’t really kill all of the Canaanites and I get a bit miffed about that, so there’s lot of wars and oppression and ethnic and religious strife, a bit of general anarchy, some civil war, a few homicidal kings, and then I’m going to send over the Assyrians and the Babylonians to destroy the land and take everyone away captive. But I’ll bring some of you back after 70 years and while you won’t engage in idolatry anymore, you will have brought back some Zoroastrian religious concepts that get folded into Judaism, but you know, I think I’m okay with that by this point.

I: And then we’re good and live in the land forever?

God: No, then the Greeks conquer the area and the kings they leave in charge after that are sort of dicks and they oppress people, defile the temple, and kill more Jews. But you all band together and earn a hard fought victory against superior numbers and gain your independence.

I: I’m afraid to ask at this point…

God: Yeah… the Romans pretty much put an end to that. More oppression, violence, Jew killing. But then I send my Son to be your Messiah.

I: The Messiah? Cool, so then we get the land in peace forever?

God: Goodness, no. Then a infinitesimal minority of your leaders opt to kill my Son for political and religious reasons. And then you decide to rebel again and try to win their independence against the Romans, but I put a stop to that, or rather Titus puts a stop to that, destroying the city of Jerusalem, dispersing you guys from the land, and putting you into exile for the next 1900 or so years.

I: Uh…

God: Also, if you recall the whole crucifixion of my Son thing by a small handful of your leaders at the time with the authority of the Roman state? Yeah, that will lead to most of my Son’s followers accusing the entirety of Jewish people of killing God and persecuting them relentlessly for the next 1900 years or so with violence, discrimination, slander, and murder all culminating in the senseless murder of six million of you guys under a horrific murderous regime in Europe.

I: Uh…

God: But after that! Then you can all come back to the land in 1948 and have your own nation again.

I: Then peace and good times?

God: No, mostly war and more violence. But after I rapture the church, you know, my Son’s followers? Yeah, after they go directly to heaven, then I’m going to let Satan, the aforementioned Zoroastrian import, free on the Earth to kill 5/6ths of you while I unleash horrific plagues on the world because they refused to believe in my Son’s message of love and forgiveness.

I: Uh…

God: All this while, I should add that all of you guys who died in the ensuing 2000 years or so, for likewise failing to accept my Son’s message of love and forgiveness will be sent to hell to be eternally tortured by Me.

I: Uh…

God: But after all of that, then my Son will show back up, kill most of the rest of humanity and start a new Messianic Kingdom headquartered in Jerusalem and ruled over by my Son and His followers.

I: The ones that sort of hated us and persecuted us for 2,000 years, right?

God: Yeah, but it’s all good now. And if it isn’t…

I: Hell, right. So uh… about this, Lord…

God: Yeah?

I: Is it too late to designate someone else as your chosen people? Like those nice Edomites over there? I hear they’re looking to convert to monotheism.


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