Weird Bible Stories: Jewish Tribal War, part 3: in which it all comes full circle back to rape

 21 Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpah, saying, “None of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin in marriage.” 2 So the people came to Bethel and sat there before God until evening, and lifted up their voices and wept bitterly. 3 They said, “Why, O Lord, God of Israel, has this come about in Israel, so that one tribe should be missing today in Israel?”

And the Lord didst say, “Well, you blokes sort of killed them all and took a stupid vow, now didn’t you? Next question?”

 4 It came about the next day that the people arose early and built an altar there and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. 5 Then the sons of Israel said, “Who is there among all the tribes of Israel who did not come up in the assembly to the Lord?” For they had taken a great oath concerning him who did not come up to the Lord at Mizpah, saying, “He shall surely be put to death.”

Well, lookie, another oath. This time of mass murder for those who didn’t feel like marching off to war. Good show, gents.

6 And the sons of Israel were sorry for their brother Benjamin and said, “One tribe is cut off from Israel today. 7 What shall we do for wives for those who are left, since we have sworn by the Lord not to give them any of our daughters in marriage?”

Hey, guys, here’s an idea… maybe some of the other local Canaanite girls? Or maybe they can follow Jacob’s route and go get some ladies from Iraq? Whaddaya say?

8 And they said, “What one is there of the tribes of Israel who did not come up to the Lord at Mizpah?” And behold, no one had come to the camp from Jabesh-gilead to the assembly. 9 For when the people were numbered, behold, not one of the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead was there. 10 And the congregation sent 12,000 of the valiant warriors there, and commanded them, saying, “Go and strike the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the little ones. 11 This is the thing that you shall do: you shall utterly destroy every man and every woman who has lain with a man.” 12 And they found among the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead 400 young virgins who had not known a man by lying with him; and they brought them to the camp at Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.

Oh… uh… you’re gonna go with the whole genocide, kidnapping of teenagers, and forcible marriage/rape…

You do realize that this whole kerfuffle began with rape, right? Which means you should all band together now and destroy one another to punish these rapes.

13 Then the whole congregation sent word and spoke to the sons of Benjamin who were at the rock of Rimmon, and proclaimed peace to them. 14 Benjamin returned at that time, and they gave them the women whom they had kept alive from the women of Jabesh-gilead; yet they were not enough for them.

The word of the Lord, everyone.

15 And the people were sorry for Benjamin because the Lord had made a breach in the tribes of Israel.

God: “Uh… no. No, I didn’t. I didn’t kill anyone… you know… this time. You idiots did that yourself.”

 16 Then the elders of the congregation said, “What shall we do for wives for those who are left, since the women are destroyed out of Benjamin?” 17 They said, “There must be an inheritance for the survivors of Benjamin, so that a tribe will not be blotted out from Israel. 18 But we cannot give them wives of our daughters.” For the sons of Israel had sworn, saying, “Cursed is he who gives a wife to Benjamin.”

I bet this time they’re going to be reasonable. They couldn’t possibly go for more kidnapping and rape, could they?

19 So they said, “Behold, there is a feast of the Lord from year to year in Shiloh, which is on the north side of Bethel, on the east side of the highway that goes up from Bethel to Shechem, and on the south side of Lebonah.” 20 And they commanded the sons of Benjamin, saying, “Go and lie in wait in the vineyards, 21 and watch; and behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to take part in the dances, then you shall come out of the vineyards and each of you shall catch his wife from the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin. 22 It shall come about, when their fathers or their brothers come to complain to us, that we shall say to them, ‘Give them to us voluntarily, because we did not take for each man of Benjamin a wife in battle, nor did you give them to them, else you would now be guilty.’” 23 The sons of Benjamin did so, and took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom they carried away. And they went and returned to their inheritance and rebuilt the cities and lived in them. 24 The sons of Israel departed from there at that time, every man to his tribe and family, and each one of them went out from there to his inheritance.  25 In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.

So the solution to the problem is that they send the horny Benjaminites out to the fields of Shiloh during a holiday when the local girls head out to dance in the fields. Then the men will watch, find a girl aged 12-15 that they like, rush out, grab her, drag her from her homeland and family, take her to their cities, ‘marry’ her, and rape her.

And when the local dads get righteously pissed that their daughter was kidnapped and raped, the army will be there to meet them and say, “Go home (or else.)”

And they all lived happily ever after, you know… except for the girls who were kidnapped and raped, but if they wanted to count, they should have been born with a penis.


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