The TL:DR Bible: Genesis 5-8


Genesis 5

Lots of people had lots of kids. We skip ahead from Adam to Noah. And if you take this all as literal history, the early human race was having lots of sex with their siblings, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, and cousins. This chapter is like an online porn search in Utah.
Other observations: Can you imagine living for 900 years? How much would the last 200 years or so just suck? 200 years of arthritis and aches and pains and living in an equivalent 90 year-old body?

And, of course, there’s Enoch whom God took. God liked this guy enough to just whisk him away one day to Paris or London or Vegas and forgot to bring him back, thereby giving crazy End Times preachers fodder to yell about the rapture 4,000 years later while they try to sell you bucket of ‘food’.

I’d like to think God did it just to inspire those nuts and he’s in heaven now laughing at us.

Genesis 6

In which, we go from lots of freaky incest to really freaky angel on human action. If you really want to go down the rabbit hole on this, read the book of Enoch. But some angels show up, see that Earth girls are easy and have a go at them, producing demigod offspring.

They were the heroes of old, men of renown.

Maybe this was the writer’s way of working in mythic heroes like Gilgamesh or Hercules or such.

Anyway, at that point, God decides that maybe the whole creating human beings thing was a wash. (You’d think the omniscient God would know about that ahead of time) and he decides to kill everyone including the animals, plants and bird, because… I don’t know, I’m having a hard time thinking of what sort of sins a panda, dog, or baby (oh, yes, God will be killing all of the children and infants too) could commit to be worthy of death. Maybe God was still angry about the talking snake and just decided to kill all the animals. 

But God decides Noah is an okay guy. Bit of a drinking problem, but he’s kinda cool, so God tells him to build an ark and bring in two of every animals. Presumably God must have helped out with a teleporter or something because that trip to Australia and Antarctica to pick up the kangaroos and penguins would have taken a long time.

So Noah obeys the Lord and builds the ark and gathers two of every animal into the ark, where the lions immediately went to down eating the gazelles, deer, bunnies, etc.

Genesis 7

Then God tells Noah, “Hey, go get seven pairs of clean animals and one pair of unclean animals and bring them onto the ark.”

And Noah said, “I’ve already got two of every kind like you asked me to in the last chapter. And what’s a clean and unclean animal?”

And God said, “Oh, right… that won’t be defined for another two books. Sorry, I forgot.” And God conjured the book of Leviticus and handed it to Noah. “Here. Read this, it’ll explain it all.”

And Noah said, “Well, you’ve got a lot on your mind these days with the planning the genocide and all. It’s cool. I’ll go get six more pairs of clean animals.”

And God flooded the Earth and killed everyone. Men, women, children, toddlers, infants… that infant knows what it did, God thought… puppies, kitties, bunnies, deer, and seriously… this is a Sunday School story for CHILDREN? WTF, people?

Oh, and fish too, because the salt water would overflow and mix with freshwater and that would probably kill off all of the marine life.

Well, that was depressing.

Genesis 8

After a year or so, God looked up from his Xbox and suddenly remembered Noah. “Oh, crap… did I leave him on that boat for a year?”

And so the flood water receded and Noah gets out of the boat with the animals, probably covered in animal dung and definitely smelling like a man who hasn’t had a bath in a year surrounded by animals pooping everywhere who also haven’t had baths in a year.

And God says, “Hey, sorry about that, man. Come on out of the boat and bring everything with you.”

And then they all came out of the boat and looked about the bleak, barren wasteland filled with dead and rotting fish and corpses and plants and said, “Uh…”

And then, lo, the animals made a covenant with one another so that the predators went on a voluntary fast until the prey animals could make enough babies to sustain an ecosystem.

Okay, they didn’t, but I can’t think of another way the predators would have been able to eat without making entire species extinct.

Anyway, Noah sacrifices some of the last remaining animals on Earth to God (So that’s what happened to the unicorn!) and God promises never to destroy everything because of mankind again ever. At least until he promises to destroy everything because of people in the book of Revelation.

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