The TL:DR Bible: Genesis 9-12

Chapter 9

God tells Noah to get to the sex having and start filling up the Earth with people to make up for all of the people He just killed.

And then God tells Noah that he and his kids can eat whatever animals they like. And Noah said, “Hey, what about the whole unclean/clean thing?” and God said, “Eh, not that big of a deal. Still won’t show up for another two books and I’m just going to cancel it all out in the New Testament anyway, so go have some bacon.”

God adds, “Just don’t eat the blood, because that’s gross.”

“And don’t kill people, or you’ll have to be put to death.”

And Noah said, “Didn’t you just kill like a crapload of people, God?”

And God said, “You’re right.” And with a giant poof… God vanished. THE END.

Just kidding.

Instead God backs away from his promise in the last chapter never to let people annoy him so much that He destroys the planet, and this time says, “Okay, I might destroy the planet again because you guys, but I won’t do it with water. Here’s a pretty rainbow.”

After a year on a boat with smelly animals and people, Noah says, “I need a bloody drink.” And Noah gets wasted. His son Ham finds him naked and makes fun of his old man, while the other kids Japheth and Shem cover dad up and Noah then decides to curse his grandson Canaan (Ham’s son) for some reason that probably has nothing to do at all with a Jewish writer using it to justify the coming book of Joshua. But anyway, there’s a curse, and racist jerks have been using it as an excuse to be racist jerks against non-white people forever. So… yeah…

And Noah dies at the end.


Chapter 10

Lots of people have lots of sex and lots of children. One of them, Nimrod, becomes a warlord king.


Chapter 11

Some guys in Babel decide to build a tower to heaven. For some reason, this worries the omnipotent, omniscient God, who opts to give them all different languages, because dividing up mankind by ethnicity into tribes definitely won’t lead to any problems in the future.

More people have more sex and more kids who grow up to have sex and have kids of their own and Abram is born and hears a voice telling him to go west, young man. So he does. I probably would have checked in with my psychiatrist first, but hey, it moves the story along. You go, Abe!


Chapter 12:

God tells Abram to go west some more, and he does, taking his nephew Lot with him. God issues a promise to Abram about being nice to people that are nice to him and being all angry and judgy to people who aren’t nice to him and this somehow is used to inform the policy of the United States (which wouldn’t be invented until about 4000 or so later) towards Israel to this day.

Abram and Lot go west. God promises to give the land to Abram’s descendants.

“But it looks like there are already people here, Lord,” Abram said. “Couldn’t you… you know, just give me a plot somewhere that’s not occupied and we’ll live there?”

“I could… but it wouldn’t be as interesting of a story then.”

There’s a famine in Canaan, so Abram heads down to Egypt and decides that while he likes Sarah, she’s still more property than person, so he tells her to let everyone know that she’s his sister, if anyone asks.

Pharaoh’s men:  “Hey, she’s pretty hot. Is that your wife.”

Abram: Nope, my sister.

Pharaoh’s men: Then you don’t mind if we take to be one of Pharaoh’s wives?

Abram: As long as you guys give me a good price for her.

Pharaoh’s men: Here are some sheep, cattle, donkeys and slaves. You do know that they’re probably going to have sex. Like… lots of sex, right? You’re still cool with that?

Abram: Sure. Tell him to have fun!

Despite this, when God decides to punish someone for this charade, He chooses Pharaoh and his family, who did not knowingly do anything wrong and treated Abram well. Maybe God just hates Egypt. Anyway, Pharaoh gives Sarah back to Abram and deports them.

This book is a lot more screwed up than I remember.


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