The TL:DR Bible: Genesis 13-16

Chapter 13

Abram’s been deported from Egypt, so he heads back to Canaan with Lot. Lot’s got a bunch of stuff, so does Abram and the land can’t support their herds, so they split up and Lot heads for Sodom. Abram builds an altar to God. Yep. That’s all that happens this chapter.


Chapter 14

Sodom and Gomorrah go to war with a bunch of kings with unpronounceable names (KWUN) and lose. The KWUN capture Lot and his stuff and march off. Abram finds out, gathers all of his slaves together and goes to war with the KWUN and kicks their butts and gets all of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah back along with their goods.

This cat Melchizedek shows up and is described as the priest of God Most High. He was a priest king from a town called Salem, and he will show up in the book of Hebrews and in sermon illustrations as a type of Christ. Which is a lot to infer from three verses in Genesis, but sure, we’ll go with it. Theology is sometimes a lot like a conspiracy theory and fan fiction dressed up in ornate robes.

Abram gives him a tenth of the spoils. And returns everything to the king of Sodom except expenses and the pay for some of the other patriarchs that went to war with him.

This was an incredibly boring battle account.


Chapter 15

Abram hears God talking again.

God: Hey, you’re the man.

Abram: Why don’t I have a kid yet then?

God: You don’t? Crap. Giving the land to your kids would be hard then. Okay, okay, you’ll have a son.

Abram: How will I know that this will happen?

God: Cut up some animals and I’ll tell you my plan.

Abram: Okay. (Cuts up some animals)

God: Okay, so, like, dude… you’re going to have kids and they’ll have kids and I’m going to send them down to Egypt.

Abram: They don’t like me very much there.

God: Yeah, screw ‘em. Because then your kids will be enslaved by Egypt and work for them for 400 years and the Egyptians will kill some of their babies, but uh, don’t worry, because I’m totally going to make them pay for that by killing their kids. Karma.

Abram: Couldn’t I just stay here? This is the land you’re giving to me, after all.

God: Uh… no, no… you can’t. I can’t judge the Amorites and the Canaanites yet because they haven’t sinned enough yet.

Abram: But maybe I could go and preach to them and they could hear about you and repent and then we can all live together and no one would have to be a slave or die horribly?

God: No. No. They have to die. For… reasons. You’re going to Egypt to be slaves and have your kids killed and that’s that. Then you’re going to come back here and kill all of the Canaanites. Then you’ll get to settle in the land… until the Babylonians show up. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Abram: This does not seem like the plan of an omnipotent, omniscient, and compassionate God.

God: Quiet, you.


Chapter 16:

Sarah gives Abram her slave girl, Hagar, to rape and have children with her. Abram is surprisingly okay with this. Hagar is impregnated and doesn’t like Sarah that much. Go figure. So Sarah tells Abram that it’s all his fault because that seems rational, and Abram tells her to work it out with Hagar herself. So Sarah ‘mistreats’ Hagar and by mistreats, I think we can assume beats the crap out of her and makes her life a living hell. Hagar runs away and God meets her and says, “Hey, go back to Sarah and submit to her.”

And we all say, “What the hell, God?”

And God says, “No, no, it’ll be totally cool and you’re going to have a son and I’ll make him a great nation too. Course that’s after Abram tries to kill you in a couple of chapters, but that’ll be fine don’t worry about it.”

And Hagar actually listens to God and returns to Sarah for her nightly whipping and gives birth to Ishmael when Abram was 86.

Yep. An 86 year-old forcibly has sex with what is probably a teenage girl without her having the ability to consent.

This book has way more horrible things in it than I remember.


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