God talks to Abram again:
God: “Okay, Abe, for starters, your name is now Abraham. Do what I say and I will bless you and give you this land and yada yada yada, I’ve said this all a few times already anything I left off? Oh, yeah, you’ll have lots of descendants. Check. Oh… just one small, tiny little thing… I want you cut off part of your penis.”
And Abraham said, “Okay, nice to see you again. I think I’m going to convert to Ba’al now.”
Just kidding. Abraham takes Ishmael (age 13. “COME ON, DAD! I WAS JUST STARTING TO USE THAT!”) and his slaves and cuts off parts of their wieners.
This will not be the worst thing Abraham does to Ishmael.