The TL:DR Bible: Genesis 18-19


Chapter 18:

Abraham gets three visitors, one of whom happens to be God. Abraham offers them hospitality and has his wife and slaves cook a meal for his guests. I say that mostly as a reminder to myself that the supposed founder of my religion owned people. It helps keep me from taking this stuff too seriously.

God again tells Abraham that he’s going to have a son with Sarah. I think Abraham’s reply at this point should be, “You’ve been telling me that for five chapters now. Get to the doing it already.” But he doesn’t. Sarah laughs. God calls her out on it and tells her to name the son Laughter or Isaac.

God sends the other two guys to Sodom, but not before he says this:

“The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous 21 that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”

Which makes God here sound less like an omniscient, omnipresent deity and more like a CEO who’s been getting some bad reports about the Sodom and Gomorrah group downstairs. The apologetics arguments I’ve read basically boil down to “Nuh-uh”, but it seems clear that the writer of this passage had a more limited view of God.

So God let’s Abraham know that he’s going to nuke Sodom and Abraham gets into a fight with God. His nephew Lot lives down there, after all. Abraham leads with:

“Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? 24 What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare[e] the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? 25 Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

And you know what God doesn’t say? Well, I’m God, so whatever I do is right. No, God agrees with Abraham’s statement and moral judgment. And Abraham bargains God down into sparing the city if he finds 10 righteous people.

Of course, then God does go ahead and incinerate the cities in the next chapter killing scores of innocent children at the very least, so… maybe God was just humoring Abraham about sparing the city.

Chapter 19:

Lot invites the angels into his home in Sodom. Apparently there were just roving packs of gay rape mobs everywhere in those days (see also Judges 19) or the whole story was made up. But anyway, gay rape mob shows up and demands that Lot give up the angels for some freaky interspecies raping. Righteous Lot (2 Peter 2:7) says “No, come on, guys. What are you doing? Why rape these angels when you can rape my two virgin young teenage daughters?”

Yeah… I’m going to go vomit now. I’ll be right back.

The gay rape mob isn’t having it though, and the angels intervene and strike the crowd blind. The angels tell Lot to get out of town. Lot asks them to spare a small nearby city called Zoar. The angels agree and Lot gets out of town.

God drops an A-bomb. Lot’s wife looks back and like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, this is apparently a capital crime in God’s eyes.

“NO ONE LOOK AT ME!”  – God

Instead of moving to Zoar, Lot heads up and lives in a cave instead. His daughters supposedly decide to get dad drunk and have sex with him on two consecutive nights and I’m… you know, I’m sorry. I’m not buying it. There is no amount of liquor that would get me to ever agree to have sex with my daughter. Lot was in on the plan or more likely the story was completely made up by the Israelite author as a sick burn on some racial groups he didn’t like.

Funny this is not one of the stories you hear in Sunday School. I wonder why?

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