The TL:DR Bible – Genesis 23-25

Chapter 23: 

Sarah dies. We hardly knew her except as a woman whose husband sold her to other men. Well, I guess she also liked to beat the crap out of Hagar and send her to her likely death in the desert. So there’s that.

Abraham buys a field. It takes 17 verses. That’s why I’m doing this.


Chapter 24:

Abraham sends his servant to go and buy a wife for his son Isaac. He sends him back to Abraham’s family to find an appropriate girl. Come on, Abraham, this is Canaan, not Kentucky, for Pete’s sake. Why not find a local girl to buy?

I’m guessing this was part of the story written by the advocates of racial purity in Israel during those days when foreigners were icky and subhuman and evil. Basically the Trump voters of their day. (I kid, I kid…)

So Abraham’s slave goes to Ur in Mesopotamia and God arranges a meet cute with Rebekah. This is a girl who can water 10 camels, so you know you can get a lot of work out of her. That’s probably worth like at least a flock of goats.

The slave spends the rest of the chapter haggling with Rebekah’s family. “Our daughter’s vagina is worth at least 100 goats!” they screamed. “And she can water camels!” “70 goats or no deal!” the slave screamed back.

Anyway, they work out the details and the slave takes Rebekah back to Isaac. Forty or fifty year-old Isaac is stoked that he gets to have sex now with his very attractive teenage cousin.

Just out of curiosity, are any of my feminine readers agreeing that what this country needs is to get back to the bible? Any of you?


Chapter 25: 

160 something year=old Abraham remarries a teenager and she gives him six sons. Abraham also has more sons with his female sex slaves, but he sends them all away. This time with gifts and provisions so they don’t almost die in the desert.  I guess he liked them more than Ishmael.

And he dies. Isaac and Ishmael reunite to bury him. I’d love to hear how that conversation went.

“Hey, Isaac.”

“Ishmael! What happened to you? I haven’t seen you like in 70 years! I thought you were dead!”

“No… no… funny story. Remember how I made fun of you when you were like 2 years old? Yeah, your mom had dad send my mom and me out into the desert to die. But God saved us, I guess and I’m doing okay. Sort of bitter about missing out on the whole having a father thing, but water under the bridge. What’s up with you?”

“Dad tied me to a stone altar and was going to stab me in the heart and set my body on fire.”

“Man… that’s messed up. Kinda… kinda glad about the whole exile to the desert thing now… ”

Ishmael married and had kids and his kids had kids and so on and so forth.

Rebekah has trouble having kids though, so Isaac prays for her and she gets pregnant. Wow… apparently, I have been praying for my wife completely wrong all of this time. Had I known that’s what was involved, I would have suggested couple’s prayer time every night!

Rebekah has twins: Esau and Jacob. Esau was a hairy redhead who liked to hunt and Jacob was sort of the mama’s boy who liked to hang around the tents.

Esau gets hungry one day and sells off his birthright for a bowl of stew. The birthright being the extra portion of the inheritance that went to the first born son when the father died. Esau was not good with numbers. I mean, that stew was good… but it wasn’t like 10,000 animals and male and female slaves good. Jacob had better watch out for his brother’s negative Yelp review.




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