The TL:DR Bible: Genesis 34-36


Chapter 34:

Jacob’s daughter Dinah goes out to the city to see the local girls and make friends, shop, and what not. And she’s accosted by Prince Shechem who rapes her. Yikes. Afterwards, the prince decides he kind of likes her and wants to marry her, so he asks his dad to go talk to Jacob and settle the terms. Course we all know what God says should be done in a case like this:

“If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days. – Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Alright, well, that sounds just… horrible and awful and cruel, but there you go. Done deal, right, Jacob? I mean, she is just property after all. It’s not like she’s people.

Well, her brothers Simeon and Levi don’t think it’s a done deal and they talk to the king and tell him that they’ll only agree to give Dinah to the prince if everyone cuts part of their dick off. The king and prince are cool with it and convince the men of the city to cut pieces of their penis off. Which they agree to because they hope to get some of Jacob’s wealth via trade and more intermarriage.

And right after they finish cutting pieces of their penis off, Simeon and Levi go through the town and kill all of the men, stealing the women and children and goods and herds for themselves. So no 50 shekels of silver then? Just some genocide, more rape, slavery, and theft.

Jacob’s like, “Dudes, you know the rest of the Canaanites might decide to get together and kill us all, right?”

Simeon and Levi: “Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?”

According to Deuteronomy 22: 28-29, yes.
Chapter 35

Right after his sons massacre an entire city for the offense of one man and steal their wives, children, and goods, Jacob again gets a call from God to leave the area quickly and go somewhere else. There’s God again with some good advice about running just after Jacob is convinced that bad things are coming his way.

Jacob has a chat with his family that maybe they should once again find religion and hope God helps them out. So they give him all of the idols they had been worshipping and he buries them. And God shows up and promises Jacob the land again in case Jacob had forgotten it.

Rachel gives birth to Benjamin and dies.

Reuben goes and has sex with his dad’s sex slave. This is a big no-no. Only dad gets to have nonconsensual sex with his sex slave, kid.

The bible recounts all of the kids of Jacob: Reuben… Dan… Naphtali… Sneezy… Grumpy…Murderery…

Issac dies and Jacob and Esau bury him.

Chapter 36

Esau has lots of sex and lots of kids who have lots of sex and lots of kids and more sex, more kids… more sex… more kids… and they build cities and become the kingdom of Edom because they were tired from all of the sex and needed to rest.

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