The TL:DR Bible – Genesis 46-


Chapter 46:

Jacob starts the journey to Egypt. He offers a sacrifice at Beersheba.God tells Jacob to go to Egypt and God will bring the Israelites back to the land… you know… after the whole 400 years of slavery bit followed by the genocide of the Egyptians… but hey, he’ll get to see Joe again.

We get a list of Jake’s kids and some grandkids again.

Jacob sends Judah down to meet Joseph in Goshen and Joe preps his dad on meeting Pharaoh.

Chapter 47:

Jacob and family meet Pharaoh. He sends them down to Goshen and segregates them since Egyptians don’t like shepherds. There’s a bunch of geopolitical stuff that happened with tribesmen and shepherds taking over Egypt. It doesn’t really fit with the timeline, which would point against Mosaic authorship.

Here’s the fun part. Joe keeps selling back the grain he took from the Egyptians to the Egyptians he took the grain from. He does this until they run out of money.

Egyptians: “We’re hungry and we have no money. Please give us some of our grain back.”

Joe: “Nice livestock you got there. Give me your goats and sheep and cattle and I’ll give you grain.”

Egyptians: “Wasn’t the entire point of us giving you 20% of our grain was so that you would be able to feed us during the famine?”

Joe: “Less talking, more bringing me cows.”

Egyptians: “We now have no more cows and we’re still hungry. Feed us, please… I guess if you’re going to be a dick about it and demand payment, we’ll sell ourselves into slavery to Pharaoh.”

Joe: “Huzzah! New slaves for Pharaoh!”

I cannot say it enough: Joe is a huge dick.

He takes their grain to feed them and not only sells it back to them, but takes all of our possessions and then accepts them as slaves. In the story of Exodus, we sort of focus on the whole Egypt making Israel slaves, but we don’t really focus on Joe doing it to Egypt first.

There’s a whole karmic retribution thing there, I guess. Joe enslaves Egypt. Egypt enslaves Israel. Egypt kills Israeli children. God kills Egyptian children. Violence begetting violence and all that.

Jacob asks Joe to take his body back to Palestine and bury it there.

Chapter 48:

Joe brings his kids to be blessed by his old man. Jacob blesses the younger and says the younger will be greater. Sounds familiar. And sounds like the author had the benefit of seeing which tribe was the larger more influential one.

Chapter 49: 

Jacob blesses his sons and says a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make a lot of sense. “And in my day, we used to wear an onion on my belt, and what was I saying…?”

And then Jacob dies.

Chapter 50:

They mummify and bury Jacob in Canaan.

When dad is dead, the rest of the brothers think, “Maybe Joe was just holding back on the whole vengeance thing until dad died.”

Joe assures them it’s all good. They meant it for evil, but God meant it for good to save lives. Of course… God could have done that without the whole being sold into slavery, thrown in prison, and breaking his father’s heart, but I guess God was bored and needed something entertaining to watch.

And then Joe dies. Good. He was a dick. He gets mummified and buried in Egypt.

 

 

 

 

 

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