The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 1-4


Chapter 1: In which the Jews first discover that being the Chosen People isn’t what it’s cracked up to be…

Everyone from the last book dies including Joseph who has the good graces to die again after having previously died at the end of Genesis.

Their kids have lots of sex and lots of kids and soon Egypt is just full of Israelites to the point where a new Pharaoh is elected on a platform of building a wall to keep the Jews out and making them pay for it. No, no, just kidding. A new Pharaoh arises that doesn’t know about Joe. I guess Joe should have spent less time forcing the Egyptians into slavery and more time writing down about how he awesomely saved Egypt from famine.

But the new king decides on a new policy.

Pharaoh: “Hey, guys, how would you like to work for me for no pay and no benefits?”

Jews: “We would really hate that.”

Pharaoh: “Really? Because the job perks include whipping and not being put to death.”

Jews: “Well… when you put it that way… okay… Thanks for bringing us to Egypt, Lord!” the Jews said.

This is not the worst thing that would happen to the Jews in their long history.

Anyway, there was no TV in those days, so the Israelites kept having sex and kept having more kids. Pharaoh worries about a slave uprising and orders the Hebrew midwives to put all of the boy infants to death. They refuse. He says, “WTF?” They lie and say the Jewish women give birth too quickly before they can arrive.

So Pharaoh orders the Egyptians to throw the Jewish boy babies down the well or into the Nile where they would drown or be eaten by crocodiles.

And we teach these stories to our kids in Sunday School… man…

 

Chapter 2: In which Moses is born and God remembers there’s a baby genocide going on and waits 40 more years to stop it…

Moses is born. His parents don’t want to throw him in a river, so they hide him. Then they throw him in the river. His sister follows him. The daughter of Pharaoh finds him and decides to adopt him. Miriam has Moses’ mom be a nursemaid and Pharaoh’s sister pays her for it.

At age 40, Moses decides he’s going to be the Jewish liberator and kills an Egyptian overseer. The next day he sees two Jews fighting and says, “Hey, guys, I’m Moses, I’m here to rescue you. Chill out.”

They’re like, “Hey, show us your lightsaber.”

“I don’t have one.”

“What about your cool Force powers?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Murderer. We’re not joining the rebellion.”

And Moe says, “Oh… crap…” and runs to Midian after being featured on Egypt’s Most Wanted. (He was right between a segment on a girl whose crime was to have her own opinion and a man who confessed he wasn’t offended at a cartoon of Mohammed.)

Moses arrives in Midian and helps out some ladies being harassed by jackasses. Their dad invites him to stay with him and marries off one of his daughters to him. Moses has a son.

The old Pharaoh dies and God suddenly remembers that he should probably do something about the whole Israel being enslaved thing. Proving that it may only take 400 years, but God will eventually hear your prayer and deliver you from the thing he could have prevented from happening to you in the first place.

 

Chapter 3: In which Moses talks to a plant

Plant: Hey Moses.

Moe: Holy crap, a talking plant! I’ve been out in the sun waaaay too long.

Plant: No, it’s me, God. Take off your shoes. You’re going to track dirt in all over my clean desert.

Moe: What do you want, Lord?

God: Well, last chapter I remembered that I left Israel enslaved in Egypt. I’d like you to go free them.

Moe: That’s nice. Couldn’t you have done that 400 years ago? Or you know, before Pharaoh started killing babies?

God: Look, you have no idea how busy I am. There was this thing on Alpha Centauri and Gabriel’s been bugging me to show up at his kid’s birthday party… but now I’m totally on board with project Freedom.

Moe: Well, they weren’t keen on joining me last time.

God: Tell them “I AM” sent you and it’s time to leave Egypt and go kill a bunch of people over in Canaan that have done you no harm.

Moe: That doesn’t seem like it’s going to work.

God: It won’t. I’ll have to kill a bunch of Egyptians first.

Moe: Do all of your plans involve killing people?

God: Just the cool ones.

 

Chapter 4: In which Moses continues to talk to a plant, Moe takes a level in wizard, and God goes homicidal over a baby’s penis. 

Moses: What about cool Force powers like lightning and choking people and stuff?

God: Okay, fine. You can turn your staff into a snake and (rolls dice) let me consult the magic table… oh… you can cast Inflict Disease and Cure Disease, but only once a day and only on your own hand… And I guess I’ll put a point in your Transmute skill so you can change water into blood.

Moe: Look, I… Me no talky good…

God: Moe… I’m God… I know you’re faking it.

Moe: Me want send someone else you?

God: Shut your pie hole, you’re going, but I’ll have your big brother go with you and hold your widdle hand.

So Moses leaves with his wife and son and camps overnight somewhere and God tries to kill him. Yes. God tries to kill Moses. But Moses’ wife figures out that God somehow wants a piece of Moses’ son’s penis, cuts part of her son’s penis off with a stone knife and throws it at Moses’ feet and God is like, “Okay, cool man… yeah, sorry, sometimes I get all homicidal and just need a piece of baby penis cut off. We’re cool.”

Somehow Moses keeps going along with God’s commands and meets up with Aaron and shows up to the Israelite leaders and shows off his “cool” new powers and everyone’s like “Yes! Lead the way, Moses!”

And they worshipped God for hearing their prayers after 400 years of enslavement and a lot of dead babies… probably because they were worried that if they didn’t, he might go berserk and want more baby foreskins.

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