The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 5-9

Chapter 5: In which Moses gets a taste of what leading Israel is going to be like…

Moses: God says to let us go.

Pharaoh: Which god?

Moses: I AM

Pharaoh: You are what?

Moses: No, I AM says let them go.

Pharaoh: Look, Moses, I know you’re not a good speaker, but that’s not even proper grammar. It should be “I say let them go.”

Moses: No, I AM says…

Pharaoh: You are not Bizarro! It’s “I say…” not “I AM says…”

(Repeat for five hours)

Pharaoh: You know what? Nevermind. I’m not letting the slaves go. In fact, stop giving them raw materials for their bricks and increase the daily whippings!

Israelites: Thanks, Moses. No, really. Come here, we want to thank you by throwing big heavy rocks at you.

Moses: (Dodging a big heavy rock) Thanks, God…


Chapter 6: In which God repeats himself

God: I’ve got this. Go talk to Pharaoh again.

Moses: Me. Speak. No Gud.

Now here’s a genealogy of Moses and Aaron…

God: Go talk to Pharaoh again.

Moses: Me. Speak. No Gud.

Me: Déjà vu…


Chapter 7: In which the Nile starts bleeding from wherever…

God: Take Aaron with you like I told you three chapters ago. But I’m going to make it so Pharaoh won’t listen to you and then judge him and all of Egypt for not listening to you.

Moses: Pharaoh. Let my people go! Or I’ll turn this stick into a snake!

Pharaoh: Seen it.

So Moses casts Transmute and turns the Nile to blood and all of the fish die. And probably the water fowl too.

God: They know what they did. If you could understand quacking, you’d know too.

So the Nile was blood for seven days.


Chapter 8: In which Moses levels up!

So Moses levelled up and got a new spell: Summon. And he casts Summon and gets a bunch of frogs and frogs are everywhere. Couldn’t step anywhere without crunching a frog. Pop. Pop. Ribbit. Pop. Pop. Ribbit.

Pharaoh begs Moses to dispel the frogs, and Moses asks God to do so. God kills all of the frogs so the entire land is now covered with and reeks of dead frogs, water birds, and fish.

Moses casts Summon again and rolls for gnats. Okay… annoying, but not that damaging.

And Moses rests and then casts Summon again and rolls flies. Thick black clouds of flies everywhere that must have been from God and not attracted by all of the dead fish, ducks, and frogs everywhere. But God spares the land of Goshen, you logical thinker, you, to prove that it was from him. Does that mean that the Jews also suffered from having their water turn to blood, frogs, and gnats? That’s kind of a dick move.

So flies everywhere and everything is contaminated and ruined and diseases spread and life sucks. Pharaoh offers to let them go sacrifice to the Lord once Moses casts Dispel, but then tells Moe to get bent once Moe does it.


Chapter 9: Super Effective

Moses: Let my people go.

Pharaoh: No

Moses casts kill on all the Egyptian animals. It’s super effective.

All the Egyptian livestock dies.


Moses: Let my people go.

Pharaoh: No.

Moses casts Inflict Plague. It’s super effective!

Everyone gets boils. Including the animals in Egypt… which were already dead from the last plague… but don’t pay attention to that…


Moses: Let my people go.

Pharaoh: No.

Moses casts Ice Storm. It’s super effective.

Hail destroys the crops of Egypt and once again kills the livestock that was out in the fields even though they were already dead and had boils. God really hates those Egyptian cows. He keeps killing them even though they’re dead.

God: They know what they did… “Mooooo” indeed.


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