The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 10 – 12


I will be on vacation, so no update tomorrow. I’ll probably be back Monday or Tuesday.

Chapter 10:

God: Go talk to Pharaoh again, but he’s not going to listen to you because I’m going to harden his heart so I can destroy Egypt some more.

Moses: Uh… should I leave that last part out when I write this? I mean, you are supposed to be the hero after all…

God: No, leave it in. It’s good stuff…

Moses: Okay, but don’t blame me if a bunch of people later think you’re being a bit of a jerk…

The Pharaoh’s court is telling Pharaoh to let Israel go now. Pharaoh tries to negotiate with Moses in bad faith and Moses casts Summon again and rolls plague of locusts. The locusts eat everything in sight.

Pharaoh asks Moses to cast Dispel. He does so, and God hardens Pharaoh’s heart and he refuses to let the people go again.

So Moses casts Darkness and no one can see anything for three days.

Pharaoh tries to negotiate with Moses in bad faith again and tells Moses that if he ever sees Moses again, he will kill him.

 

Chapter 11

God is going to kill all of the firstborn in Egypt. This may seem a bit redundant by now as all of the crops have been eaten and God has killed all of the Egyptian livestock twice now, so pretty much everyone in Egypt will be dead in a few months, but this is the grand finale and God’s not going to let a little thing like everyone already being condemned to a slow death from starvation stop him when there’s killing to be done.

Oh, and everyone should go ask the Egyptians for loot because they’re willing to pay anything at this point if the Israelites will just go away.

 

Chapter 12:

God sets up the Passover feast. There are a lot of rules. Every house has to eat a lamb. They have to be 1 year old lambs or goats without any blemishes. Everyone has to kill them at twilight on the same day. Then you’re supposed to paint your doorjambs with its blood. And you’ve got to roast the lamb with all of its guts and consume the whole thing by morning or burn the leftovers in the fire. Eat with all of your clothes on ready to go.

God’s going to kill the firstborn, but if he sees blood on your doorjambs he will spare your family.

For the seven days prior to the Passover, you’ve got to throw yeast out of your house and eat only bread without yeast. If you don’t, you’re to be killed. Sounds reasonable.

Moses tells the people to paint the doorjambs with blood. God comes down at midnight and kills all of the first born. Yea?

Don’t be afraid of the dark, Johnny. There are no monsters. Just an angry vengeful God watching you right now… He sees what you’ve done, Johnny… He knows everything… He comes at midnight… But I’m sure you’ll be fine. Good night.

So Pharaoh tells Moses to take the Israelites and get the hell out of Egypt. And they go. All two million of them. There’s no evidence of two million people leaving Egypt and migrating to Canaan, but that’s what the book says. Make up your own mind, I guess.

And as they’re leaving, God remembers a few extra rules about the Passover:

No filthy foreigners can eat it.

If you own a filthy foreign person (ha ha… yeah… God just liberated them from slavery, but God’s okay with slavery… just of those awful foreigners…) But if you own someone, he can eat it, but you have to cut off part of his penis first.

You have to eat it in the house.

Okay, if a filthy foreigner wants to eat the Passover, he can, as long as he cuts off part of his penis.

Sheesh, Lord… the penis again? You know, if you didn’t like how it looked factory issued, you could have ordered Gabriel to send it back to the R&D team and had them tweak the design to make it uncovered to begin with… you are the omnipotent creator and all…

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