The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 13-16


Chapter 13:

Every first born male belongs to God whether animal or human. First born daughters have girl cooties, so Jehovah doesn’t want them.

God then tells Moses again to have the feast of Unleavened Bread every year celebrating how God delivered them from slavery so they could travel to a new land, meet new people, and kill them all with the sword. Tell your children about it.

God says again that all the firstborn boys belong to him. Apparently, that involves killing the first born male animals, except for the unclean donkey which can be saved with a sacrificial lamb, but if you don’t want to give up a perfectly good lamb… break the donkey’s neck? Seriously? Have you seen how cute little donkeys are and you want me to break it’s neck?

Donkey-Baby-donkeys-25772239-1280-1024

Should I step on a few kittens while I’m at it?

This is to be done to remember how God killed the firstborn of the Egyptians. (You really sure you want us to remember that?)

God decides to lead Israel the long way to Canaan from Egypt because He refused to stop and ask directions. No, He says that if the people face war, they’ll give up and go back to being slaves in Egypt.

They bring Joe’s body with them. He’s still a jerk.

God leads the people around by day with a column of smoke and by night with a column of fire, and seriously? You have a demonstrable proof that God exists and is with you and on your side and they’ll give up and go back to Egypt if they have to go into battle too early? Okay… if that’s your story and you’re sticking with that…

Chapter 14:

God tells Moses to lead the people into a trap so He can kill Pharaoh and his army and show how awesome He is at killing people.

Pharaoh decides that plagues and dead children be damned, he just can’t give up on slavery… even though he has no food left to feed them… and everyone hates them and wants them gone.

So he gets 600 chariots together and realizes that God previously killed all of Egypt’s livestock so he only has dead horses to pull them. That will make pursuing the Israelites a bit more difficult. But he gets those dead horses to run.

Israel panics even though God just totally killed thousands of people for them, because maybe God won’t kill all of these people for them this time. Ah, but they just don’t God yet.

Moses parts the Red Sea. The Jews pass over it. And God drowns Pharaoh and the Egyptians. See, guys? God is totally willing to keep on killing for you. Or because He doesn’t like those guys… or because it’s Tuesday.

Chapter 15. 

Moses and Miriam sing a song about how great God is at killing their enemies.

They camp at Marah and find water, but it’s bitter. So they complain to Moses and God tells Moe to throw in a piece of wood and that will magically purify the waters.

God tells them that as long as they do everything He tells them to do, then He won’t afflict them with plagues and kill their firstborn. Uh… thanks?

They move somewhere else and camp.

Chapter 16:

The people start to complain because they miss meat. Didn’t God spare their livestock? Did I miss where they left their animals behind in Egypt? Guys, you have meat. Kill a sheep or something.

Instead they complain that God should have killed them too because they had all of the food they wanted in Egypt. They just had to work hard without pay and throw their male children to the crocodiles or drown them. I mean, it was a pretty sweet gig, right?

God sends them quail and manna. Manna is a flaky substance that they are told to gather up as much as they need. But they can’t keep it overnight because it gets all infested with maggots, unless it’s Friday where the people are commanded to get a double portion of manna and keep it overnight because God takes Saturday off.

But some people didn’t follow directions and God gets angry and complains to Moses about it.

Also, an omar is one-tenth of an ephah. Good to know.

 

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