The Israelites go camping. There’s no water. They complain to Moses that it would have been better to die in Egypt that die of thirst in the desert. They think about killing Moe with big rocks. God gives the people water.
The Amalekites come and attack Israel. Moe appoints Joshua the general of the army and tells him to go fight. Moses goes to pray. God decides it would be a hoot to decide who lives and who dies based on how long an 80 year-old man can keep his hands raised. The Israeli soldiers who die? They don’t find it as funny.
And the writer puts in a bit that God totally wants them to genocide the Amalekites.
Apparently, Moses’ wife left him between the time he went to Egypt and this chapter. Maybe it was after the whole cutting off her son’s foreskin so God wouldn’t homicide Moses. She seemed pretty pissed then.
But Jethro, her father, brings her back. She’s Moses’ property now after all. And he and Moe talk and Jethro tells Moe that he’s running a pretty good show, but he should appoint some underlings to help him run the nation.
This sounds good to Moe and the two men part ways.
They arrive and camp at Mt. Sinai.
God tells Moe, “Hey, I’m pretty awesome. Do what I say.”
Everyone’s like, “Yeah, okay, please don’t kill us.”
God: “Wash your clothes and don’t touch the mountain or you have to die… unless a ram’s horn blows before you touch the mountain… and you stand on one leg and wear purple underwear on a Tuesday, but not Wednesdays, and divide by zero…
Moses: Also, don’t have sex…
Israel: “Right. We totally won’t touch the mountain.”
Moses: And don’t have sex…
Israel: Got it. We will not touch that mountain…
God: Don’t come near me or I’ll have to kill you.
Moses: Yeah, you just said that.
God: Okay, you and Aaron can come up, but seriously no one touch the mountain and come near me or I’ll kill them.
God: Okay, got more rules for you…
- Worship me only. If you start worshipping other gods, I get jealous, Baby and just can’t control my smiting hand and I won’t just curse and hit you, I’ll curse and hit your kids to the third and fourth generation.
- Don’t make any graven images or idols.
- Don’t misuse my name. That means swearing by my name falsely. Or acting in my name in a way that is against everything I stand for.
- Take Saturday off. You look tired. You could use more rest.
- Treat your parents nicely and respect them.
- Don’t murder people… (you know, unless I tell you to. Then you can murder the crap out of people.)
- Don’t sleep with other people’s spouses or cheat on your spouse. (You can, however, marry another girl or buy a slave girl to have sex with and that’s cool.)
- Don’t steal.
- Don’t lie in court.
- Don’t covet. (Unless you’re in America and it’s the entire basis of your 21st century economy.)
There’s a giant thunder storm and everyone freaks out and Moses tells them it’s okay. It’s just God making them pants-wettingly terrified so they won’t think about crossing Him.
God: Seriously, no other gods or idols. I don’t want to have to hit you, Baby. Just build me altars of dirt or stone. Oh and do it on level ground, so no one has to see your penis when you’re walking up stairs. I just… I’m not really fond of those penises that I gave you guys. Sorry, I’m just… not.