The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 22

Chapter 22:

More rules… yea!

  • If you steal an ox or sheep and sell it or kill it, you have to pay back 5 oxen or 4 sheep to the owner.
  • If you kill a thief at night, you get off scot free. Kill him during the daylight and you get put to death.
  • If you can’t pay the 5 oxen or 4 sheep, you get sold into slavery. If the animal is still in your possession, you have to pay back double.
  • If you let your animals eat in someone else’s yard, you have to pay the yard’s owner from your own produce.
  • If you start a fire that damages someone else’s fields, you have to pay them for the damages.
  • If you give someone something for safe keeping and it gets stolen, and the thief is caught, they have to pay back double. If the thief is not caught, then the person who last had the property has to go to court to prove he didn’t steal it. If there is a dispute as to ownership over the property, both parties have to go to court, and the guilty party has to pay the other party double.
  • If you give your neighbor an animal for safekeeping, and it dies or is injured or stolen, the neighbor has to take an oath before the court that he did not steal it. The owner of the animal is to accept this oath. But if the animal was stolen, the neighbor must pay him back. If the animal was eaten by wolves or lions, the neighbor has to bring the carcass to court to prove it.
  • If you sleep with a virgin who isn’t engaged, you have to pay her owner, I mean, father… a dowry and marry her. If the father refuses to sell you his daughter, you still have to pay the dowry because you damaged his property.
  • Burn the witches.
  • Don’t have sex with animals or die.
  • Kill the infidels.
  • Be nice to foreigners.
  • If you lend money to your fellow Jews, don’t charge interest. If you require something essential to life as a pledge, you will return it when the lendee needs it.
  • Don’t curse God or the authorities.
  • Make sure you don’t try and get out of paying your offerings to the priests… I mean, God… right God… totally God. Not the priests… even thought we’re the ones who get to eat it.
  • Don’t eat roadkill.

Whew… These rules are kind of defeating the purpose of this TL:DR series, aren’t they?



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