The TL:DR Bible – Exodus 23 – 24

And more rules…

  • Don’t lie in court.
  • Don’t give in to peer pressure and lie in court.
  • Be impartial in court.
  • If you see an enemy’s animal in distress, help it out.
  • Be impartial in court, even if it involves family.
  • Don’t kill innocent people
  • Don’t farm the land the seventh year.
  • Three times a year, have a religious celebration:
    • The Feast of Unleavened Bread: to remember how I killed all of the Egyptians for you.
    • The Harvest Feast: to remember that I made the crops grow (and also because priests got to eats, bro.)
    • Feast of Ingathering which is also a harvest feast, but later. Priests still gots to eat, man.
  • Don’t offer bread with yeast with your sacrifice.
  • Burn the fat of the offering if it’s not eaten by the priests before nightfall.
  • Don’t skimp on the harvest offerings, people. And bring the good stuff for God. Totally for God, not for us priests to eat. All God. Seriously.
  • Don’t boil a baby goat in the milk of its mother. (Well, that was random.)

God: Okay, I’m sending an angel with you. Do everything he says or he will kill you. But if you do what he says then I’m going to kill all of the Canaanites. I mean… It’s been a few chapters since I’ve killed and I’ve got to kill someone…

  • Don’t worship other gods. I’ve said that before, but I mean it. It makes me so jealous I just can’t control my smiting hand, Baby.

But if you do everything I say, then you won’t get sick or miscarry any babies. And of course, since there will always be diseases and like 35% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, that always means you’re failing and need to bring more offerings to the priests, I mean, to God. But it’s all your fault. Bring more offerings.

Yada yada yada… I’m going to kill the Canaanites, but I’m going to do it slowly and you’re going to have to do the dirty work of stabbing infants and toddlers. I mean, I could kill them all at once, but then uh… you wouldn’t be ready… wild animals and stuff… but I’m totally real. I just need you to kill for me…yeah…

Seriously, don’t worship other gods.

I’m very insecure…

Chapter 24: 

Everyone agrees to follow the rules. Moses and his inner circle go up the mountain a bit and they see God, which will be surprising later when God says that no one can see Him and live. Maybe they all died and God resurrected them and then they saw Him again and died and God had to resurrect them again and again and again until He finally said, “This just isn’t working out.” and vanished.

Anyway, God calls Moses up so He can give him the commandments that we’ve been going through on two tablets of stone. Considering the amount of text, God must have written it really small.

Moses puts Aaron in charge and goes to hang with God for 40 days and 40 nights.






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