The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 25-30


Chapter 25:

Oh dear God… this is boring…

Basically, God tells Moses that he wants Moe to set up a place where the people can worship him. So he tells Moe to ask the people for donations. Not for Moses, of course, but for God, and then God spends the rest of next four chapters telling Moe how he wants all this stuff to look. It’s like the world’s most boring HGTV show.

God wants a box with gold decorations on it with a couple of gold angels on the top. It will be the very best box. Yooogue…

God wants a table with gold decorations on it with plates and bowls of gold and gold pitchers. And he wants a loaf of bread on it at all times. Who doesn’t like the smell of freshly baked bread? And God might want a midnight snack.

God wants a lamp of gold with branches and decorative gold almond blossoms.

It’s funny how God values gold as much as people do, when God made all of the elements. Why is gold better to God than say Aluminum?. Why it’s almost like people were writing this stuff…

 

Chapter 26:

God wants his own tent made of blue, purple, and scarlet fabric with gold curtain rings, goat skin curtains, bronze clasps for the goat skin curtains, a covering for the tent of ram skins dyed red, silver tent pole bases, gold overlaid roof support poles, and a bunch of other gold, bronze, and dyed fabric stuff that wouldn’t really interest you unless you are a theologian who is trying to somehow divine what heaven is like based on the design of God’s tent.

 

Chapter 27:

God wants an altar of wood with bronze coverings and horns sticking out of it. O-kay…

God wants Moe to build a courtyard for his tent with shiny stuff and dyed fabric curtains.

And God wants a bottle of Hennessey and a bowl filled with only green Skittles.

God wants you to always keep the lights on like a Motel 6.

 

Chapter 28:

God tells Moe how the priests should dress. I’m guessing it’s with some expensive fabric and lots of shiny jewels and precious metals… and I’d be right.

God also tells Moe to make a couple of divining stones, the Urim and the Thummim, which Aaron will wear and use to divine the will of God, which sort of demands the follow up question, “Why?”

I mean, God has pretty much been talking to Moses the entire time, couldn’t he just keep talking to people? Why does he need the priest to use magic to determine His will? Why not just keep talking to people? Or talk to everyone and say, “Hi, God here. I want you guys to go that way. Or attack those people. Or stop here and camp…”? It would be much clearer and would get rid of the need for priests altogether.

And I know people will say, “Because God is holy and would consume the people…” but that’s clearly not really the case. God has talked to sinners from the start of this story. Abraham and Isaac lied and Abraham treated his family poorly and owned people and at least one sex slave. Jacob was an idolater, a deceiver, and a backstabber. Noah liked to get his drink on. Does God get shy? Busy? Does He just not really like people enough to actually audibly talk to them after this?

Just curious…

 

Chapter 29:

God tells Moe about the ceremony he should perform to make the priests special. Sacrifices, blood offerings, food offerings, etc. God likes roast lamb a lot. Or the priests do. Take your pick, I suppose.

 

Chapter 30:

God wants another altar of wood covered in gold this time where they’ll burn incense. It too must have horns. God would also like the musicians to play Stairway to Heaven whenever they burn incense. Alternatively, they may also play tunes from The Wall or Bob Marley.

God wants money from everyone when they have a census. Because we’re evil and must atone for our lives with money.

God wants a bronze sink where the priests can wash their hands.

God also gives Moe a recipe for fragrant anointing oil because they’re wandering around a hot desert and they’re sweating and they stink. Seriously, Moe, take a bath, says the Lord. I can smell you from all the way up here.

God also gives Moe his blend of incense that he prefers.

“Cause I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker…” He did NOT say.

 

 

 

 

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