The TL:DR Bible: Exodus 31-33


Chapter 31:

God tells Moses that he’s chosen Bezalel and Oholiab and downloaded all of the instructions into their heads on how to build what God wants.

“So why did you just spend four chapters telling me what you wanted?” Moses yelled.

“Uh…” said God. “Take Saturdays off…”

“You just said that in your top 10 list,” Moses said.

“It’s really important… take Saturday off. Anyone who works on Saturday should die. Now take these two stone tablets with all of the law down to the people.”

 

Chapter 32:

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Israel: It’s been like… 40 days since Moe left. Aaron, make us a new god.

Aaron: You guys just heard God say not to do that, right? The same God that just destroyed Egypt, parted a sea, and is feeding you and your animals…”

Israel: Yeah, yeah, that’s cool, but we’re getting bored. Make us a new god.

Aaron: Mmmm… okay. Here’s your god, Israel. A cow!

Israelite: I was hoping for a weinerdog…

Aaron: You get a cow. All hail the cow god!”

“Is he going to command us not to eat burgers? Because I really like burgers.”

Aaron: No, burgers are still fine. So says the cow god.

“I have another question…”

Aaron: Look, go eat, drink, and screw, okay? Cow god is cool with that.

“All hail, the cow god! Woooooooo…”

God: Oh, for Me’s sake… I step away for five minutes…. FIVE MINUTES… I am so going to kill you all and start over with Moses. I’ve done it before, you know!”

 

Barney_Gumble

Noah: “That’ssss right (BURP)

 

God: Stand back! I’m just going to kill them all…you don’t want to get like blood or bits of brains on your robes, Moe.

Moe: Uh… loooooook, God… that whole killing everyone stuff is really not going to test well in our Marketing Surveys… especially in Egypt where they might say you killed the Israelites because you couldn’t fulfill your promises of milk and honey… It’s like really bad optics, Lord.”

God: UHHHHHHH…. FINE… I won’t kill them all, but someone needs to die! I’ve already got my killing hand out…

Moe: I’ll go down and take care of it, okay. You just stay here and not kill anything, okay?

God: Fine…but what good is a killing hand if you can’t use it… stupid Israelites…

Josh: Sounds like a war down there.

Moe: No, it’s a party.

Josh: What is she doing to that donkey? Oh… oh, God, no. No…. I can’t unsee that.

Moses smashes the tablets of the law, has the cow god melted down, the gold ground up and thrown into the river, and makes the people drink it.

Moe: Dude… what the heck?

Aaron: It was totally the people, bro. They wanted another god and I said no, but then we threw the gold into the fire and out came the  cow god…. Yeah… that’s what I’m going with…

Moe: Okay, who is for Jehovah?

Levites: Does it involve killing?

Moe: Yep.

Levite: Yeah, Jehovah

And the Levites go and kill about 3,000. Not quite up to their great-great-great-great granddad’s scale of genocide, but still pretty bloody.

Moses tells the people to knock it off and get pious and he’s going to go talk to God for them.

Moe: Look, they screwed up, but cut ‘em some slack. And if you’ve got to smite someone, smite me.

God: No. I’ll smite who I want. Go, lead the people to Canaan and I’ll send an angel to guide you instead of coming along myself. Because if I’m not right there with you guys, then I can’t see you sin.

 

Chapter 33:

God: Go, lead the people to Canaan and I’ll send an angel to guild you instead of coming along myself. (Déjà vu.) My angel will help you kill all of the people in Canaan instead. Harumph….

If I go with you guys, I’ll see you sins and kill you, but if I stay here, then you should be okay because I won’t see you sin???

And we get an aside about how Moses also pitched another tent for God outside of the camp where he and Joshua hung out a lot and God would show up and talk to Moses face to face and if anyone wanted answers, they would go there.

And back to the dialog:

Moe: Yeah, I don’t want an angel. You come with us or I don’t go.

God: Fine. I’ll go.

Moe: Cool. Hey, while you’re in an agreeable mood, how about you show me what you look like?

God: Didn’t the book just say we talk face to face?

Moe: Just go with it.

God: You can’t see my face and live. But I’m going to cover your eyes, walk past you (!), and then take my hand away so you can see my back. I’ve got a super-sweet tattoo of a giant Celtic cross.

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