The TL:DR Bible – Exodus 34-40


Chapter 34:

God tells Moses to make two more stone tablets himself since he broke the two God gave him.

AND DON’T LET ANYONE TOUCH THE MOUNTAIN!  God said yet again in case we forgot the last four or five times He said it.

So God covers Moe’s eyes and walks past him, then uncovers his eyes and lets Moe see God’s back with the sweet Celtic cross tattoo.

God declares himself: compassionate and gracious (some Egyptians might disagree), slow to anger (two chapters after almost destroying all of Israel for making an idol and having a wild party), abounding in love and truth, and a forgiver of sins, but He’ll totally punish the guilty and the guilty’s sons and their sons and maybe even their sons. Those last two things seem like they contradict each other. Just saying…

Moses: Cool. Come with us then?

God: Sure. I’m going to come and I’ll do miracles and they’ll be yoouge. The best miracles ever. I’m totally going to help you kill all of the Canaanites.

More rules:

  • Don’t make any treaties with Canaanites. Kill them all, says the one abounding in love.
  • Don’t worship other gods. Seriously, don’t. Don’t make me hurt you, Baby.
  • Don’t marry icky foreigners. They have cooties.
  • I’m totally serious here. Don’t make any more gods.
  • Keep the Feast of Unleavened bread, in case we forgot the other two times He mentioned it.
  • God repeats that every firstborn belongs to him and has to be redeemed and oh look, more baby donkey killing! Come on, God, I thought the Shrek sequels weren’t that great too, but you don’t see me holding a grudge against donkeys.
  • Seriously, take Saturday off, in case you forgot.
  • Once again, God hates leavened bread.
  • Once again, bring me your first fruits. God has to eat.
  • Once again, don’t boil a goat in its mother’s milk.

Moses spends 40 more days with God without eating before he comes back and his face is glow in the dark. All of the other Israelites, used to laugh and call him names, no that’s not right… all of the other Israelites were freaked out and stayed away from Moe until he put on a face covering.

 

Chapter 35:

Again, don’t work on Saturday, Moses says to everyone.

Hey, Moses, question, so we should or should not work on Saturday? Because you haven’t been really clear on that.

Moe asks the people to donate the stuff for God’s tent. They do. Once again we’re told that Oholiab and Bezalel have had the knowledge on how to build this stuff downloaded into them.

 

Chapter 36:

The build God’s tent. Moses has to tell the people to stop bringing him stuff.

They build the Tabernacle just like God wanted it. It really is the most boring HGTV show ever.

 

Chapter 37:

They’re still building God’s tent. The contractors promise it will be done in two more weeks.

 

Chapter 38:

They finish building God’s tent. And here’s the invoice for the materials and labor.

 

Chapter 39:

They make Aaron’s threads and the divining stones. The author takes 43 verses to tell us this.

You’re welcome.

 

Chapter 40:

They set up God’s tent. There was much rejoicing.

God moves into his tent.

And we move into Leviticus next time which sounds… is there a word that combines fun and boring? Fuboring? Let’s go with fuboring.

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