The TL:DR Bible – Leviticus 1-4


Chapter 1

More rules…

  • When you bring your offering, take it to the tent of meeting. It has to be a male (girls have cooties, remember?) without defect. You have to put your hand on its head and cut it’s throat. The priests will sprinkle the blood around the altar, while you skin the animal and cut it up. Wash the entrails and legs with water. Then the priests will lay it on the fire and God gets to smell some awesome BBQ aroma and forget what horrible people we all are and how He really wants to kill us.
  • Unless it’s a sheep or goat, then you have to kill it on the north side of the altar. And God gets to enjoy that nice BBQ meat smell again.
  • If it’s a bird, the priest has to wring its neck. The blood is to be drained on the side of the altar, and the crop and feathers are to be thrown east of the altar. The priest is to tear it by the wings, but not sever it and then BBQ it, so God gets to enjoy the BBQ chicken smell.

Chapter 2

  • If you bring flour as an offering, mix it with Frankincense and oil and the priests will throw it on the fire and the burnt flour and oil smell will be pleasing to God.
  • But if you bring bread as an offering, make sure you don’t put yeast in it. The priest will take part of it and toss it into the fire because God likes the smell of toast and the rest will be eaten by the priests. Being a priest would have been an awesome job back then. Nice clothes, no back-breaking labor, free food, just have to say some mumbo jumbo stuff for the peasants and you’re done.

Chapter 3

  • The rules for the peace offering: you can bring a boy or girl animal this time. No defects. Lay your hand on it and cut its throat. The priests will sprinkle the blood around the altar. And you remove the fat, the loins, the entrails, and the kidneys and the rest the priests burn.
  • If you’re offering a lamb, same deal, but there are different organs and parts that God doesn’t want.
  • If you’re offering a goat, same deal, but there are different organs and parts that God doesn’t want.

God is a picky eater is what I’m taking away from this chapter.

Chapter 4.

  • If any of you sin accidentally, here’s the list of rules for killing more animals!
  • You have to offer a bull? For every sin? You know… I don’t think there are going to be enough bulls to go around to cover 2,000,000 people, Moses.
  • Kill the bull before the tent of meeting, sprinkle the blood seven times, put some blood on the horns of the altar, Put your right hand in, put your right hand out, you put your right hand in and you shake it all about… okay, not really. Pour all of the blood at the base of the altar where you burn things. Take out the fat, the caul, the kidneys, and the liver and throw them on the fire. Drag the bull carcass outside of camp and set it on fire.
  • If the entire congregation sins, do the same thing, but instead of one guy laying his hands on the bull before you kill it, it’ll be a cross section of people from the tribe.
  • If a leader sins, he has to bring a male goat and do the same thing…
  • If you commoners sin, you have to bring a female goat or sheep and do the same thing…

I guess the smell of burning meat and organs and fat makes God happy so he’ll overlook your sin.

Seriously, I can’t even imagine the smell of that camp. I think the Canaanites might have moved out of their cities voluntarily as the Israelites got closer just to get away from the stench of fetid blood and the flies and animal carcasses.

I guess I’ll stop here for now because there are still like a gazillion more chapters ahead of us detailing how we’re supposed to kill and burn different animals for every occasion? Did you sin? Kill an animal. Want to send God a thank you card? How about a dead animal? Did you pee this morning? Probably should kill an animal this way!

I’m starting to worry a bit about God… maybe he should consider therapy for this animal killing obsession before it escalates? What? Oh… right… the Flood… Egypt… we’re too late.

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