The TL:DR Bible: Leviticus 5-9


Chapter 5:

Have you sinned? Have you say, not testified in court when you were called? Have you touched a dead rabbit or lobster or bug? Have you masturbated or menstruated lately? Have you made a promise you didn’t keep? Well, God has the answer.

Kill an animal.

Yes, killing an animal will make that sin go right away. It’s just that easy.

Bring a ewe or a female goat to the priest, and kill that critter.

If you can’t afford ewes or goats, God also takes doves and pigeons. But not Pidgeys. He’s already got like 10,000 of them.

250px-016Pidgey

Go home, Pidgey. No one likes you.

Oh, but if you can’t afford an animal, God will also accept flour. Just have the priest throw it on the fire.

Unless you sin against the holy things, in which case, it’s a ram you need or nothing. None of this weak flour stuff.

 

Chapter 6:

If you rob someone or take their stuff, you have to pay it back, and add 20% on top of that before you can kill your animal for God.

Rules for priests:

For burnt offerings, keep the offering on the altar all night. Put on a linen robe, go scrape off the ashes and put them on the side of the altar, then go change your clothes and take the ashes outside of the camp to a clean place. I don’t know why God wanted the priests to dirty two sets of clothes, but apparently it’s very important.

Priests can’t let the fire on the altar go out.

The priests get to keep the leftovers of the grain offering and bread offerings to eat.

When the high priest is chosen, they have to bring bread to God. He likes the smell.

The priests get to eat the sin offerings, unless the magic spell involved sprinkling blood in the Tabernacle, in which case, they have to burn the carcass completely.

 

Chapter 7:

We’re still talking about killing animals and the exact ways God wants them killed. Anyone else starting to think that the first copy of this manuscript was found in a drifter’s van parked near a site where they found like 100 dead women?

  • The priests also get to eat the guilt offering.
  • They get to keep the animal hides from the burnt offering.
  • And in another case of déjà vu, God says they get to eat the bread offered up too, just like he said in the last chapter.

If you kill an animal as a “Thank You” card to Jehovah, it has to be eaten the same day, unless it’s a votive or freewill offering, in which case, you can eat it the next day too. But seriously, if anyone eats any of it on the third day, God will have you straight up killed.

If you’re not ceremonially clean and you grab a leg of lamb and chow down on it: death.

If you eat fat from an ox, sheep, or goat: death.

If you eat fat from a roadkill animal: death.

If you eat the fat from the wrong type of offering: death.

If you eat blood: death.

God: Yes, I am an omnipotent, omniscient being who is very, very concerned with your diets. You can have all of the Cheetos you want, but no black pudding.

Hey, look, another reason to kill an animal, and the priests get a nice cut of meat.

It does occur to us that the idea that every act of worship would involve butchering an animal did not come from God so much as from a poor and hungry priest.

 

Chapter 8

Aaron gets dressed up and kills some animals. He also becomes high priest and he and his kids eat the animals they totally, seriously, we completely swear, killed for God.

 

Chapter 9:

Aaron kills some more animals.

Good job, Aaron, now you guys are not going to get to put that SPCA “No animals were harmed in the making of this religion” blurb on your scripture now.

 

Next time… well, I have no idea, but I bet it will involve some more reasons to kill an animal.

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