The TL:DR Bible: Leviticus 10-12


Chapter 10

Two of Aaron’s sons go out and offer up incense to God, but they offered the wrong kind or they were a bit tipsy, so seeing this misguided act of worship, God does the perfectly reasonable thing, and sits the two young men down and explains that while he appreciates their zeal, they have to follow the rules, and sends the boys to time out to sober up or think about what they’ve done, and they all have a good laugh about it in the morning.

Uh, no, wait… God kills them with fire.

kill it with fire

You know that meme is a joke, right, Lord?

My bad.

Aaron: Uh… what the…

Moses: God, huh? What are you going to do? Probably… uh… don’t mourn or God will kill us all. And don’t leave the Tabernacle or God will kill you. We’ll have a public funeral for them, but you can’t come or… you know…God. Kaboom. Fire. Death. And you should probably not drink any wine while you’re in the Tabernacle or… Death. Fire. Serpents. Plague… the usual.

Aaron: … You know I think I like Cow God better. All he ever wanted us to do was drink and have sex.

Then Moses reminds Aaron and his surviving kids that they get to eat from some of the sacrifices and then gets angry that they didn’t eat of a sacrifice.

Aaron: Yeah… I just watched two of my sons get turned into burnt crisps. Forgive me if I’m not in the mood for BARBEQUE RIGHT NOW!

Moses: Uh… oh… okay… just don’t let happen again…

 

Chapter 11:

God: Hey, guys.

Moses: Uh… hey.. we’re good, right? No fire, plagues, or death coming, right? Not that we’re not okay with that, I’m just asking, you know… for a friend….please, don’t kill me…

God: No, no, we’re good. I have some more rules for you. I’ve been noticing how you guys are just eating like everything down there. Just grabbing it and stuffing it into wet, fleshy maws… it’s kind of disgusting really. I probably should have come up with another way for you to get energy, like photosynthesis, but what’s done is done. Anyway, I have a list of animals you shouldn’t eat anymore.

Moses: But you told Noah he could eat anything, except for blood.

God: That’s right… (whispers) the life is in the blood, Moses… the life is in the blood…

Moses: Urk…

God: Anyway, cows, sheep, goats are all good. They have split hooves and chew their cud. No camels. It chews the cud, but doesn’t have a split hoof. No large rodents. No rabbits because while they chew the cud, they don’t have split hooves.

Moses: Rabbits don’t chew the cud.

God: I’m pretty sure they do.

Moses: No, they don’t. They only have one stomach. Sometimes they’ll eat their own poo to redigest it, but they don’t chew cud.

God: They eat their own poo? Who came up with that? Gabriel? Did you come up with that idea? That’s just… gross…

Moses: So cross that bit about rabbits chewing the cud out then or leave it in?

God: Just leave it in. My liberal hippie son is just going to abolish the whole food laws thing in 1500 years and no one’s going to read this part anyway.

Moses: Your… your son?

God: Oh crap… you’re not supposed to find out about that. Just forget I mentioned it. Anyway, no pigs. No tasty, tasty bacon… fish, but no shellfish, and if you want to eat birds: no eagles, vultures, kites, falcons, ravens, ostriches, owls, sea gulls, hawks, other owls, cormorant, great owls… I mentioned owls right? Storks, hero, hoopoe, or bats.

Moses: Bats aren’t birds. They’re mammals.

God: Of course they’re birds. They fly don’t they?

Moses: Yeah, but…

God: See? Birds. Bats are birds. You can eat grasshoppers and crickets, but no other bugs.

Moses: Okay, anything else?

God: Yeah, if you touch a dead unclean animal, you get unclean cooties until sundown. Oh, and no cats or dogs or rats. No moles, voles, mice, lizards, geckos, crocs, lizards, chameleons, and seriously, anything that touches one of their carcases gets unclean cooties, Moses… (whispers) un-clean….Moses…. un-clean…

Moe: Anything else?

God: Yeah, touching a dead body in general makes you unclean. It’s really creepy that you’re all made out of meat, you know? I’m really starting to regret that choice, you know? Maybe I should make you all out of rocks now or something…. That’d be cool. Rock monsters. Rock cows. Rock pigs. Rock lobsters.

 

Chapter 12:

Hey, ladies, we get to talk about your sinful icky parts now.

  • If you give birth to a male, you have icky cooties for 7 days, then on the eighth day, you have to chop off part of your son’s wiener.
  • After that, you still have icky girl cooties for 33 more days. That’s what you get for being born with a vagina, girls.
  • If you give birth to a girl, she totally sucks and is icky, so you’re unclean for 2 weeks, and then for 66 days after that. Girls, ppppht… am I right?

After you’ve lost the magic girlie cooties, you have to offer a lamb for a burnt offering and a pigeon or dove for the sin of having a vagina and giving birth.

The word of the Lord…

Next time, we get to take a look at ancient health care in Israel. Surprisingly, it does not involve killing anything.

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