The TL:DR Bible: Leviticus 22-24


Late start today. Dealing with the results of a minor auto collision.

Chapter 22:

God: Aaron and his kids need to take Me seriously. If they don’t, I’ll kill them.

No one who gets unclean cooties on them can eat from the priests’ portion of the sacrifices. If you have any bodily discharges, or leprosy, you’re can’t eat until you’re clean. If you have sex or touch a dead body, you need to wash and wait until evening to eat from the sacrifices.

Only the priests can eat from the sacrifice. Unless the priest buys a slave, then the common slave can eat. Once the priest’s daughter leaves his house, she can’t eat of it, unless she’s widowed or divorced and moves back in with dad. If a non-priest happens to eat some of it unawares, he has to give back that portion plus 20% more as a gift to the priest.

God only wants perfect animals. No spots or skin conditions or defects. He wants the perfect animal. And no killing baby animals until they’re 8 days old and then once they’ve gotten a sweet taste of life and have started to bond with their mother, then you can slit their throats, butcher them and set their little baby carcasses on fire.

God isn’t heartless after all.

calf

Ah, isn’t it cute? Let’s kill it and burn it for God.

Chapter 23:

God: Did I mention all of the religious holidays you should celebrate? Let me list them yet again.

Oh, and the day of atonement, I know I just wrote an entire chapter on that like seven chapters ago, but let’s go over it again. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH…

 

Chapter 24:

Once again, keep the lights on in God’s tent.

Every Saturday set out twelve loafs of unleavened bread for the priests to eat.

Oh, look, we interrupt these commandments to bring you a heartwarming tale:

Once there was a boy, and he got into a fight with another boy, and he said something naughty that was considered blasphemous, and God said that everyone should chuck big rocks at him until he died… The End.

Now back to your regularly scheduled commandments:

God: Anyone who blasphemes Me is to be put to death.

Kill the murderers.

Kill an animal that isn’t yours, and you have to pay for it.

Whatever injury you inflict on your neighbor will be inflicted on you.

Kill the murderers again.

I might choose being hit with big heavy rocks rather than keep reading this book, if it doesn’t end soon.

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