The TL:DR Bible: Numbers 6-8


Chapter 6:

Okay, if you want to take a vow to God and be super-special or bargain with God or try to get on his good side, you can become a Nazarite.

If you do, you give up all grape products and you don’t shave anywhere. Just let that hair grow out.

And you can’t be around dead people. Not even your parents or your siblings. You’re just going to have to tell your grieving family that God wants you to skip the funeral.

But if you’re just hanging out with friend and they have a heart attack or God decides to kill them for, I don’t know, jaywalking… you’re impure and have violated your vow, so you have to wait until evening when you’re clean, then shave your head. Then shave it again seven days later. Then bring two doves and a lamb to the priest so he can kill them for your heinous sin of being around someone who dropped dead suddenly.

Then you’ve got to start your vow over again and try not to be around anyone who looks a little sick.

But if you avoid sick and dead people, when your vow is completed, you have to bring a male and female lamb to the priest so he can kill them. Also bring bread and a drink offering. Then the priest will kill the animals, you have to shave your head, the priest waves a leg of lamb around and that’s it. You’re good. You can go drink wine and put grape jelly on your toast.

Then God micromanages some more and tells Aaron exactly what he’s supposed to say when he blesses the people.

 

Chapter 7:

Here’s someone you’ve never heard of who is completely unimportant to you and he brought something to the Lord as an offering.

Here’s someone else you’ve never heard of who is completely unimportant to you and he brought something to the Lord as an offering.

And here’s someone else you’ve never heard of who is completely unimportant to you and he brought something to the Lord as an offering…. Repeat for EIGHTY-NINE verses… uuuuuuuuuuughhhh…

 

Chapter 8:

And ye, the Lord didst say to Aaron, “Turn on the lights. I can’t see in this stupid tent.” And lo, Aaron didst turn on the lights and all was well and the Lord didst no longer stub his toes on all the altars when walking in the Tabernacle at night.

And the Lord didst say, “Hey, Mo, have the Levites shave their whole bodies. I like them smooth. And also do their laundry and splash them with water. Then kill a couple of bulls, because it isn’t a party unless some animals die and blood is spilt. Then the Levites will work for me. Until they get too old at 50 and then they can retire.

And Aaron didst say, “I get food and lodging and I don’t have to do backbreaking hard labor in the fields and I get to retire at 50? Score!!!!”

 

 

 

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