THE TL:DR Bible: Numbers 9-11


Chapter 9:

And God did say, “Hey, dudes, remember when I killed all of those Egyptians and didn’t kill you because you killed an animal and painted your doors with its blood? Celebrate that. If you don’t, you should totally die. Like the Egyptians.”

And when they set up God’s tent, a cloud appeared above it and they followed the cloud around the desert. No… really.

“Uh, hey, Moses… you do know where Canaan is, right?”

Moses: “Sure, man… the cloud will take us there…”

“Okay, but we’ve been wandering around for like forty years now…”

Moses: “Just follow the cloud man… just follow the cloud…”

“Okay… But Canaan is like right there… I can see it from here…”

Moses: “Dude… chill out, man… just follow that cooool looking cloud… it looks like a sheep… hello, little cloud sheep… baaa….”

 

Chapter 10:

God tells Moses to make some trumpets and tells him what the different calls of the trumpet mean. Then everyone gets up and starts for Canaan. Moses asks his father-in-law to come with him. Jethro says “no.” Moses asks him again and he says “Okay.”

Moses yells at God to get up whenever they pick up the ark. And he yells at God to sit down when they put the ark down.

 

Chapter 11:

Some people complain about the trip through a barren desert…

“It’s so hot here… are we there yet?”

“Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! If you don’t shut up right now, I swear I will turn this caravan around,” God said.

“We’re okay with that,” they said.

“Fine. You want heat? Here,” God yelled and he incinerates a few of them until they beg Moses to talk God down from his latest murder spree.

AFTER THIS… after THIS>… After God BURNING PEOPLE WITH FIRE for complaining about the trip, the group gets together and complains about the quality of the free food they’re getting. This just can’t be real. People don’t act like this. If I saw… literally saw, God kill a bunch of people with plagues, I might think, “Okay, maybe it wasn’t God, maybe it a confluence of natural events.” But then God parts a sea, and kills a bunch of Egyptians with it, at that point I might think, “Okay, but He wouldn’t kill us. He loves us.” And then God kills a bunch of us WITH FIRE for complaining, my response wouldn’t be to start complaining. It would be to live in a state of perpetual fear that God is going to get pissed at me for something and KILL ME. I would kill every animal I own and keep thinking, “Please don’t kill me… please don’t kill me… please don’t kill me.”

But this time Moses gets pissed.

Moses: Why have you shackled me to these idiots? I was pretty damn happy sitting in the desert looking at sheep.

God: It’s cool. I get it, your job sucks. First, go get yourself seventy helpers. And I’ll send a bunch of meat to them tomorrow.

Moses: Where are we going to get that much meat?

God: It’s cool, I’ve got Amazon Prime, I’ll send it overnight.

This blog has not been paid any money from Amazon.com or its subsidiaries, but would be happy to take filthy lucre to include more references in future biblical reenactments.

So God dumps a bunch of quail on the Israelites, so they’re wading in fluttering, flapping birds up to their waists. So they gathered them all up, he who gathered least, had ten homers.

homer

Mmmm… quail… glaaaaaaaah…

And then God kills a bunch of them with pestilence.

So they named that place Kibroth-hattaavah, which I believe means, “Please don’t kill me, I’ll do anything you ask. Anything…” or possibly, “Maybe we should go back to worshipping Ra, he never killed anyone…”

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