The TL:DR Bible: Numbers 15-17

 Chapter 15:

God tells us again that we should kill animals for him and bring bread and wine. We get it. You hate animals, God. Sheesh…why’d you even make them in the first place?

And now, another heartwarming bible story…

Once upon a time, there was a man who was out gathering firewood. Now this normally wouldn’t be a problem, but today was Saturday, the day when God commanded all of the Israelites to take off. So the man was arrested and brought to Moses and Moses went to God and asked what they should do to this man. And God said, “He was just out gathering firewood, are you kidding me? Let him go.”

Except He didn’t. What God really said was, “Throw big rocks at him until he dies!”

And the people took him outside of the camp and threw big rocks at him until he died. The End.


Chapter 16:

Another heartwarming Bible story…

Once upon a time, a group of men named Korah, Dathan, and Abiram came to Moses and said, “Moses, what’s up with you being in charge of everything and seriously, appointing your brother as the only one who can speak to God? This kind of seems like a scam. We should be in charge too.”

And Moses said, “Okay, come to God’s tent tomorrow, all 250 of you and burn incense before God and we’ll see what he has to say.”

So the 250 men supporting Korah came and burned incense before the Lord, and Aaron also came and burned incense before the Lord.

And God said, “Get out of the camp, Moses and Aaron, I’m going to kill every last Jew except you two…”

And Moses said, “That’s crazy, Lord… you should just kill Korah and Dathan and Abiram and their followers… and their wives and little children and infants and their pets and animals too.”

And God said, “I like how you think, Moses, you crazy dude.” And God killed the 250 followers burning incense with fire and opened the ground underneath the tents of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram so they and their children and wives and babies and pets and animals all fell into the ground and died.

Now the next day, the Jews came to Moses and said, “Dude, what the hell? Why did you go and murder Korah and his entire family? Uncool, Moses.”

And God said, “Get away from them, Moses, I’m going to kill all of the Jews.”

And Moses said to Aaron, “You better burn some of the special incense because God’s going all Hitler again.”

So Aaron burned the special incense and it calmed God down, so he stopped killing Jews at around the 15,000 mark.

The End.


Chapter 17:

I will not make penis jokes… I will not make penis jokes…

So after this, God told Moses to have all of the tribal leaders write their names on their rods. For some there was a LOT less room to write their name than others…

Okay, I failed…

So after they wrote their names on their rods, they presented them before Moses… Phhhpppt…

And Aaron also wrote his name on this rod and presented it before Moses. Heh…

And they left their rods overnight, and Aaron’s rod sprouted almond blossoms and bore ripe almonds and everyone took this as a sign that God had chosen Moses and Aaron because God liked Aaron’s rod.

And they all came and said, “Moses, this crazy God is going to flippin’ kill us all!”


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