The king of Arad decides to attack Israel and captures some of them and Israel asks God if He’ll help them kill every last man, woman, and child among them and burn all of their cities to the ground. God says, “I’m cool with that. You go do that.” They go and kill everyone and set all of their cities on fire.
Well, after everyone gets back, they wander around some more and say, “Hey, Moses… this wandering in the desert for forty years really sucks, Bro. Like… really sucks and we’re kind of sick of eating this manna stuff for EVERY SINGLE MEAL!”
God: “Fine… you don’t want manna… how about some poisonous snakes? Huh? Would that make you happy?!”
Israel: Not really… URK! (falls over)
Jesus: Come on, Dad…. Seriously? You’re really screwing up my analogy I’m going to make in the Sermon on the Mount. “Would you give your child a poisonous snake when he asks you for a fish?” Right there… see?
God: Really? I guess I should really pay more attention in our meetings. Hey, Mo… Mo… make a bronze serpent and tell people to look at it and they’ll live.
The Israelites continue to move around the desert camping in different spots and they come to the Amorites. They ask to pass through their land, but the king of the Amorites marches out with the army and the two peoples battle. Israel wins and conquers all of the land of the Amorites and live in their cities. We’ll just assume that the previous occupants were fine and found a new home somewhere else and weren’t ruthlessly slaughtered.
And Og, king of Bashan marched out with his army and God said, “Go kill him and take his land.” So they did. And Og died along with all of his people.
So the Moabites lived nearby and saw the Israelis conquering and literally killing everyone that wasn’t one of them, so their king Balak sees this and freaks out a bit. So he contacts a prophet or soothsayer for hire named Balaam. The king wants the soothsayer to use his magic to curse the Israelites and give Moab victory over them. So the king sends his nobles with money and gifts to the magician.
Messenger: Come and curse these guys for us and we’ll pay you a lot of money.
God: Hey, uh… no. You can’t go.
Balaam: This is some really nice stuff, Lord… okay, okay… put down the smiting hand… sorry, guys, God says I can’t go.
So the messengers go back and tell the king, but the king assumes he just wants more money. So he sends more messengers with more stuff and begs the magician to come and curse the Jews.
Balaam: Look, guys, God’s going to kill me if I go, so no amount of money is worth that. But stay the night and I’ll ask Him again.
God: Alright, fine. You can go. But you’ll only say what I tell you to say.”
Balaam: Cool! I’m on my way.
God: I’m going to kill you for going with the Moabites like I told you to.
Balaam: Wait… what?
Balaam’s Donkey: Don’t ask me, pal, I just work here.
Balaam: When did this become a Disney movie?
God: Still here… still going to kill you.
Balaam: Okay, okay, I’ve sinned… somehow… did you want me to go home?
God: No, it’s cool. Go with the Moabites, just say only what I tell you to say.
Balaam: I’m really getting mixed signals here from you, Lord.
So Balaam meets King Balak and Balak takes him to see a portion of the Israelite camp and says get with the cursing and Balaam says, “Yeah, no, I’m only going to say what God wants me to say… he was pretty clear on that, even if he was confusing on everything else.”
Balaam kills a bunch of animals to get God’s attention and God gives him a word to say to Balak.
Balaam says, “God is blessing them and they’re going to prosper.”
Balak: Hey, you blessed them! I wanted you to curse them!
Balaam: Talk to the big guy. He’s the one who told me what to say.
Balak: Okay, okay, maybe we can try again in another location.
God: Nope. Not going to happen.
Balaam: God loves them and they’re going to prosper. Nothing can change his mind.
Balak: Okay, how about this spot?
Balaam kills more animals to get God’s attention.
God: Mmmmm… Barbeque….Glaaaaaaah…
Balak: How about now?
Balaam: No, they’re blessed.
Balak: You suck. Go home.
Balaam: I told you, the Big Guy’s in charge. I’m just the help. But I can tell you what’s going to happen.
Israel is going to grow and there’s going to be an awesome ruler who will lead them into battle and destroy all of you.
At least as long as they keep making God happy, otherwise he’ll get mad and start killing them for you.
Balak: What makes God mad?
Balaam: Apparently, my travel plans… but probably also idolatry and miscegenation judging from the next chapter.
Chapter 25: The Next Chapter
Some of the men notice the hot girls of Moab and decide to enjoy themselves and they get invited to some parties and some sacrifices to Ba’al. Maybe they were too young to remember the whole cow god thing that happened before, but the end result is the same.
God: Kill all of the leaders.
Then a guy brings a Midianite girl back to his tent for some fun times and Phineas the priest decides the best way to solve that situation is to stab them both through with a spear.
So God was impressed by that and stopped killing the Jews at the 24,000 mark.
God: Dude, did you see what Phineas did? That was wicked awesome… He gets to be one of the priests forever! Also, why don’t you go and kill the Midianites now.