The TL:DR Bible: Numbers 26-31

Chapter 26:

After God is done killing the latest batch of Jews to make him mad, he asks Moses and Eleazar to take another census. Again, He is God. The All-Knowing. Why does he need Moses to count everyone for Him? Why not just say, “Hey, Moe, there are only about 600,000 of you left now”?

Anyway, a list of names follow that aren’t important, except for the brief pit stops along the way detailing the families God took out. Turns out He spared Korah’s kids. Didn’t sound like it then, but okay.


Chapter 27:

A man had five daughters and died. His daughters come to Moses and say, “Dude, why should our family name die? When we take over Canaan and kill everyone, give us a piece of land too.”

Moses: But… you’re… girls… and girls… have cooties… This is really very confusing for me. I need to go talk to God.

God: Give them the land. And uh, go up on that mountain over there and I’m going to kill you for hitting that rock a few chapters back. You failed me for the last time. You are in command now, Admiral Piett… I mean, Joshua.


Chapter 28:

Holy crap… we go over ways and reasons to kill animals and give bread and stuff to the priests yet again.


Chapter 29:

The seventh month of the year, God really wants you to go all out and hold a festival and kill a lot of critters.


Chapter 30:

If a man makes a vow to God, he must fulfill it.

But if an unmarried woman makes a vow to God, her father can veto that vow and she hasn’t sinned because she’s just a woman… I mean, it’s cute that she thinks she can make decisions for herself when she doesn’t even have a penis, but she can’t.

Likewise, if a married woman makes a vow, her husband can veto that because he paid her father good money for her.


Chapter 31:

And God did say, “Go kill those Midianites over there for forcing you to have sex with their girls and worship their gods.”

Israelite: It’s true… I did not want to have sex with that woman, but she was there…what was I supposed to do?

Israelite 2: And I didn’t want to bow down to Ba’al, but uh, she tripped me and I fell face first before him.

Moses: Those villainous swine! Take 12,000 men and kill all the males.

So they killed all the males and burned their cities to the ground and took all of their stuff including their women and children.

Moses: Why did you let the women live? They forced us to have sex with them remember? Kill them all… and kill all the boys… but the preteen girls? Those you can keep for yourselves. Wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean? Eh? GIggity.

Midianite girls: If it’s all the same, we’d rather not be raped and forced to be the ‘brides’ of the jerks who killed our parents, sisters, and brothers.

Moses: It’s cute you think you have a choice.

So the Israelites had 32,000 new preteen sex slaves and a crap load of animals and they divided it up and, of course, the priests got a cut too.

Such a heartwarming story…


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