Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh: Hey, this land is pretty cool and we just killed all of the inhabitants except for the preteen girls. Maybe we can live here?
Moses: Guys, seriously? You remember the last time folks talked about not going into the land, God sent us into the desert for 40 years until everyone died?
The Tribes: No, it’s cool. We’ll go and fight and kill people over there, we just want to come home to here when all the killing’s done.
Moses: Well, okay… if you come over and kill people over there, then you can have this land.
We wandered around for 40 years. Here’s a list of all the campsites. You know, they were pretty and all, but between the lack of food and water, the presence of poisonous snakes, and a God who hangs around and kills us when we complain… would not recommend. 1 star.
God: Okay, when you cross over the Jordan, I want you to kill everyone and take their land. Everyone gets a plot of land, except the Canaanites. They get death.
And here’s how we’re going to divide up the land once we finish killing Canaanites.
Here’s the cities you’re going to give to the Levites.
Now if anyone accidentally kills someone, you’re going to set up cities where they can go and live without being murdered. If they leave the city, it’s cool if they’re murdered. It’s like Highlander. You can kill them, just not on holy ground. And there are no cool lightning effects. Just blood.
Israel: Hey, remember those girls who wanted land? What happens if they marry out of their tribe? Their land will become that tribe’s land.
Moses: It’s cool. They just can’t marry anyone outside of their tribe. Keep those racial bloodlines pure, people.