The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 1-3


Deuteronomy

If you enjoyed the last 2 ½ books of the bible, you’re going to love Deuteronomy because it’s pretty much old man Moses sitting in his rockin’ chair on the porch telling those whippersnappers the same things all over again and how much they suck and get off my lawn.

gsimpson

Moses isn’t quite this, but he’s pretty close …

Chapter 1

Moses: Alright, gather round here. Can you all hear me? Now I’m going to tell you the story of our 40 year journey from Egypt to here. Now God said you guys should go to Canaan, and then I said there are too many of you Jews for me to handle and I appointed a bunch of judges, and I told the judges to be good judges and not show partiality, and told them at that time what they should do, and then we left Horeb, and then we came to Canaan and you all wanted to send out spies-

Israelite: I thought God told you to send the spies… yes, right here in Numbers 13: 1, 2… “And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “Send men to spy out the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the children of Israel; from each tribe of their fathers you shall send a man, every one a leader among them.”

Moses: Shut yer yapper. Anyway, the spies didn’t like the look of the land, your fathers rebelled against God and didn’t want to go take the land and kill all those folks, and I told ‘em God would fight for them, but they didn’t believe me, so God told us all to wander in the desert for 40 years, and then they wanted to go attack Canaan, and they lost and died…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

Chapter 2:

Israelite: Uh… Moses…?

Moses: WHAT? I’m not dead yet! Anyways, so God told us to stop circling a mountain and go see Esau, but Esau was dead, but we went anyway and God told us that he gave the sons of Esau the land and we should buy our food and water from them and then we went to visit Moab and they lived in  a place where the Emim used to be. They were tall as the Anakim, whom we used to call Rephaim, but the Moabites call them Emim.  The Horites used to live in Seir, but the sons of Esau killed ‘em all… Then we crossed the brook Zered and it was 38 years since we left Canaan the first time and we came to Ammon, which is also a land of the Rephaim, because they used to live there, but the Ammonites called them Zamaummin… and WAKE UP! Darned kids, no respect these days…

Anyway, then we went to the Amorites and they attacked us and we killed every last man, woman, and child among them. We spared no one. They begged and pleaded, but stab stab stab… blood blood blood… “Spare me! I’ll do anything” they whined. Phhpppt… whatever, Amorite scum.

But we didn’t kill the Ammonites, so you’re welcome, Ammonites.

 

Chapter 3:

Moses: Then we went to Bashan and Og came out to fight us, but we killed him and every last one of them. “My baby! Not my baby…” stupid woman… And we took their towns going house to house, doing the work of the Lord and stabbing them over and over again. Sixty towns in all… but they had nice stuff so we didn’t destroy their stuff or animals.

Then we killed more Amorites. Sidonians call Hermon Sirion, and the Amorites call it Senir… we took Gilead and all of Bashan. Og was the last of the Rephaim. And I gave that land to the Reubenites and the Gadites and half of Manasseh “(concerning all Bashan, it is called the land of Rephaim. 14 Jair the son of Manasseh took all the region of Argob as far as the border of the Geshurites and the Maacathites, and called it, that is, Bashan, after his own name, Havvoth-jair, as it is to this day.)”

And I told them that was okay, so long as they went over the Jordan and killed all of the Canaanites so the rest of you ingrates could live in their cities after you got all the blood out of the carpets and drapes.

And then I started asking God if he’d let me live and go to Canaan too, but He got angry… again… didn’t try to kill me, but he did tell me to shut the hell up and stop whining to him about it. So I guess Joshua is in charge of killing…

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