The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 4-7

Chapter 4:

Moses: Okay, do what I tell you to do or else… well, you remember what happened to those guys who worshipped Baal? You’re here and they aren’t.

If you do these things, everyone is just going to love the Jews.

Remember when God came and gave us the Ten Commandments? No? Oh, right, all of those people are dead now. But God gave us the Ten Commandments and your fathers promised to keep them. So don’t make their mistake and make any idols.

Now I can’t come into Canaan with you because you people made me angry and God forbids it now. It’s your fault. Just wanted you to know that. So I won’t be there to keep an eye on you, so you better obey or God’s going to destroy your nation and scatter you to the winds, but then you’ll remember God and ask for forgiveness and he’ll stop trying to kill you because He is compassionate.


Chapter 5:

Moses: Okay, so before I go off and die, let’s go over all this stuff again.

God brought you out of Egypt from slavery.

Don’t have any other gods but Him.

Don’t make idols or any likeness of anything to worship it, because God is jealous and vindictive and He will punish your kids and your grandkids and your great-grandkids for your sin.

Don’t take God’s name in vain in vows or idle talk.

Take Saturday off, or else. Remember what I did to the guy who was gathering firewood?

Respect and take care of your parents.

Don’t murder.

Don’t commit adultery, but polygamy and sex slavery are cool.

Don’t steal, unless it’s from a filthy foreigner you just gutted for God.

Don’t lie in court.

Don’t covet, unless you’re American, and then you can just ignore this commandment.

And then you guys were all like, “No, No, we can’t listen to the voice of God any longer or we’ll die! You go and speak to Him and tell us what He wants.” And so I went to God and He’s like, “Good… gooooood… they fear me. They should always fear me. Tell them to go to their tents, but you stay and I’ll talk to you.”

So make sure you do what I said.


Chapter 6:

Moses: Seriously, do everything that God tells you to do and teach your kids to do the same and God will treat you well.


Chapter 7:

Moses: If you don’t do everything God said, He’s going to curse you and probably kill you. God didn’t chose you because you were a great people, but because HE loved you and made some promises to your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather. God loves those that love Him and destroys those that don’t.


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