The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 8-11

Chapter 8:

Moses: Keep all of the commandments. Remember what God did for you during these past forty years and how he tested you and humbled you, so the omniscient God could know what was in your heart. Try to ignore that contradiction, please. Remember when he led you into a desert without food and made you all hungry and worried you might starve? That was good times… but then he fed you, so you know your life is literally in His hands. Every beat of your heart. Tick. Tick. Tick… He might let the next one happen… he might not…

But God did keep your clothes and your shoes from wearing out. And He killed thousands of us, but that was just discipline, like how you kill a couple of your children to set an example for the others. So fear God and He’ll be nice to you.

If you don’t, God will destroy you like you’re going to destroy the Canaanites.

But remember, He loves you.


Chapter 9:

Moses: God’s going to kill the Canaanites and let you live in their land, but not because you’re awesome, but because He really hates the Canaanites.

Remember how crappy you guys have been the last forty years and how God was forced to keep kills you and threatened to wipe you all out and only my intervention saved you? Also remember how I’m the most humble man on Earth, and I’m reminding you of how awesome I was on your behalf?


Chapter 10:

Moses: Then I had to rewrite the Ten Commandments because I broke the last set, and I convinced God not to kill all of the Jews and we left.

So what does God want from you? To do everything He says and love Him. God executes justice for the widows and orphans, and shows His love for the alien by giving him food and clothing, so be nice to aliens, because your ancestors were aliens once too. (Unless you’re an American Christian, in which case, you can safely ignore this bit of the bible too as it conflicts with your politics. Trump 2016!)


Chapter 11:

Moses: Have I mentioned that if you keep all of the commandments of God, God’s going to make your life super easy and you’ll have rain and abundant crops and all that?

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