The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 12-14

Chapter 12:

Moses tells them that after their done killing all of the Canaanites and taking their stuff, the Israelites should destroy all of their houses of worship and cut up their gods and burn them or melt them down. But don’t burn down God’s house of worship that He sets up. That last part seems self-evident, but okay. No burning down God’s place. That’s where we’re going to kill all of the animals to let God know that we’re sorry for jaywalking and having naughty thoughts.

God is not in favor of anarchy, sorry libertarian bros.

But everyone should come over to God’s place to worship and kill animals to show him we’re sorry. We can’t kill animals in groves or cultic places, but we can kill animals for food anywhere we please. But don’t eat the blood. The life is in the blood… the life…

God understands if you want a steak, so eat a steak anywhere. God reminds us yet again to not eat the blood.

Don’t worship other gods after you kill the Canaanites… Really, I… I can’t believe this is an actual temptation. I mean, I realize Judaism is new at this point, but I’ve been a Christian for 25 years now and I can honestly say… never been tempted to cross over to Ba’al worship or any other religion.


Chapter 13:

If a prophet tells you something that comes true, and then asks you to worship other gods, don’t listen to him, but do chuck big heavy rocks at him until he dies.

If your family becomes apostate or converts to another religion, chuck big heavy rocks at them until they die. God is not in favor of freedom of religion, I guess… and please, don’t chuck big heavy rocks at people who convert to another faith. That’s not cool.

If a city deconverts or converts to another religion, you are to investigate to see if it’s true, and then kill every man, woman, child, toddler, baby, animal in the city, gather all of their stuff in the center of the city and burn it to the ground as a burnt offering to the Lord. Human sacrifice. Neat. And you can’t rebuild that city. But He loves you.

Got to say, I do have a hard time imagining Jesus walking through a town stabbing folks because they became Ba’hai or Buddhist or something.


Chapter 14:

We go through the list of food laws again, and the highlights are no pork or shellfish. Don’t eat eagles if you have some sort of patriotic urge to do so. And don’t eat rabbits, the author says, because they chew the cud, but don’t have split hooves.

So we learn that Elmer Fudd was an unclean abomination, and the author of Deuteronomy didn’t know that rabbits don’t chew the cud.


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