Chapter 15:

And in other parts of the bible that Americans seem to ignore, God declares that every seven years all of the debts get cancelled. I’m going to write my credit card companies and let them know that they will be suppressing my religious freedom if they keep making me pay.

Oh, but that only applies to the Jews. Literally. Filthy foreigners need not apply for debt forgiveness. This would be the God that shows no partiality.

But God does promise that there won’t be any poor people if they do everything He says because He’ll bless them so much, they won’t believe it. So if you’re poor, it’s your own fault.

But since you’re always going to have the poor with you, open up your wallet and give them what they need and don’t get stingy if the next year happens to be the debt forgiveness year, or smitey smitey.

If your Jewish brother sells himself into slavery for you, you’ve got to let him go after six years and pay him back wages. Knowing human nature, I’m sure that happened.

And God owns all the firstborn males because he spared them when He killed all the Egyptian first born. But not the crippled or defective ones. You can eat those. God doesn’t want them.


Chapter 16:

Moses, do we really NEED to go over the feasts AGAIN? Ehhhhhhh… are we there yet? Can you just go mountain climbing and pass over now so we can get on with the war and genocide? No? Okay, what else?

Appoint judges… don’t take bribes or play favorites says the God who played favorites with one tribe of humanity… don’t make any sex idols or have any sacred groves. God doesn’t like that stuff.


Chapter 17:

God reminds you again that he doesn’t like crippled animals. He really hates that.

Kill apostates and infidels.

Any death sentence is to be on the word of 2 or 3 witnesses and they get to throw the first stone. So I guess that answers Jesus’ question in John 8.

If you can’t figure out guilt or innocence, you have to go to the priest and he’ll do it and then you better follow his words or else you die.

When you guys get around to wanting a king instead of the current system of random guy claiming to hear the voice of the Almighty, here are a few rules: He can’t own a lot of horses or buy Egyptian horses and he can’t marry a lot of women… David and Solomon are laughing already… and they shouldn’t get a lot of wealth.

When he takes the throne, he has to copy this verse and read it every day. Maybe put it up on his mirror like an ancient post-it note. Maybe it slipped off of David’s mirror and everyone just forgot about it and married a lot of women, got a lot of gold, and built an army of horsemen. Then when they had to move to Babylon (spoiler alert) the last king was moving the old dresser and found the post-it note, read it, and was like, “DAMN IT!”


Chapter 18:

The priests would really like you to know that they get to eat the sacrifices you bring to God.

Don’t make your kids a burnt offering… lookin’ at you Abraham and Jephthah.

Don’t use divination. Except for casting lots and the ‘special’ divination the priest could do.

Don’t practice witchcraft. Hermione…  put down that wand, that’s a no-no…

No sorcerers or spellcasters… jeez, this is going to be a real nerfed party magic-wise… can I least have a Bard, Cleric, or Druid, Lord?

No mediums. Only rares or well-dones.

No spiritists or people who talk to the dead. The only person who claims to hear a special voice you should believe is the priest, judge, or prophet.

God’s going to give them a Super-Prophet like Moses and they better listen to him, but they can’t follow those other prophets who claim to speak for God, but are just faking it. And you’ll know they’re faking it when they say something is going to happen, but it doesn’t.

Well, that’s an okay test if the prophet is dumb enough to make predictions, but if the “true” prophet and the false prophet both say, “God says do this or He’s going to kill you” it kind of breaks the test.


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