The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 19-21

Chapter 19:

We’ve gone over this before. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that this far, I’d be retiring.

If you accidentally kill someone, the Israelites were t1 set up three cities initially where you could run and live in peace. Back in those days, justice was a bit more personal. A family member of the deceased would probably pursue to exact their vengeance. As long as you lived in the city, you were safe, after it was determined that you didn’t previous quarrel with the victim.

If you did quarrel with the victim and still accidentally killed him, well, you’re out of luck.

They were to create three more sanctuary cities if their territory expanded.

And if you premeditated to kill someone, going to the sanctuary city wouldn’t help you.

Don’t move your property line.

Don’t believe a single witness, you need two or three to convict someone of a crime. If you discover that the accuser is lying, then he gets the punishment that would have been meted out to the accused.


Chapter 20:

The Laws of War:

  • Don’t Panic.
  • Yes, they do outnumber us. Don’t Panic.
  • Yes, they do have a better cavalry and chariots. Don’t panic.
  • The priest shall go forth and tell the people not to panic, God is on their side… you know… unless one of them did something to anger Him.
  • The officers will ask if anyone needs a deferment:
    • If you just built a new house, you’re excused.
    • If you just planted a new vineyard, you’re excused.
    • If you are engaged to a woman, but haven’t married yet.
    • If you’re currently panicking, you’re excused.
  • When you approach a city to fight it, offer them terms of peace.
    • If they agree to the terms, then they are all your slaves forever.
    • If they don’t agree to being your slaves forever, then besiege the city, and when it falls, kill all of the men, but go ahead and take the women and the children to be slaves or ‘wives’ and steal all of their stuff.
    • This only applies to cities that are not in Canaan. All of those filthy bastards, you kill, including unarmed and defenseless women and children. Because for some reason, you might decide to worship their gods after your God just kicked their ass for you.
  • Don’t deliberately destroy fruit trees when you’re at war. You can eat from them. (Yes, apparently, the Israelites Moses was talking to where that stupid.)


Chapter 21:

If a murder victim is found in the open country, the people of the nearest village have to kill a heifer and swear that they did not kill the man or see who did. Then God will be happy. I mean, He’s God, so He could just as easily shine a light on the guilty party and say, “He did it”, but as long as an animal is killed, I guess He’s okay with not solving the case.

Hey, guys, notice all the ladies whose cities we destroyed and whose husbands and fathers we killed mercilessly? Well, if you’d like to rape them, take her into your house, shave her head and cut her nails. She has to strip out of her old clothes, but you have to wait a month to rape her, because you did just kill her husband or father and it’s the humane thing to do to let her cry for them for a month. And if you’re not happy with her after you rape her, you have to let her go, you can’t sell her as a slave or hurt or kill her.

If you have some wives and you don’t like one, but she gave you your firstborn son, you can’t disinherit him just because you don’t like his mom or you like the other wives better.

Hey, parents, does your son not listen to you or talk back? Yes, said the parent of every teenager ever. Well, don’t despair. Grab that kid, drag him out to the city gate and then chuck big heavy rocks at your son until he dies. That’ll learn him. And serve as a lesson to the rest of your kids. Do what we say, or mom and dad will literally kill you.

Oh, and don’t leave people hanging on a tree overnight. It’s bad form.



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