The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 22-23


Chapter 22:

Don’t be a jerk. If you find something belonging to someone else, return it to them.

The God of the Universe is somehow very concerned about men wearing skirts and women wearing pants. These things are an abomination, so knock it off Scotland!

kilt

Pictured: An abomination to the Lord.

If you come across a bird’s nest, only eat the baby birds in their eggs. Don’t eat the mother too. That would be barbarous.

God’s building code demands you put up a small wall on your roof so people don’t fall off of it. Man, the oppressive hand of big government is just killing all the fun in life.

God is against growing more than one kind of crop in a vineyard. Really? I didn’t find anything about this in the HOA agreement when we genocided the family that lived here and took over their vineyard.

You can’t plow with an ox and a donkey together… Uh…

You can’t wear clothes made of mixed fabric…

And you have to sew tassels to the four corners of your garmet? You’re… you’re just screwing with us now, aren’t you?

Hey, if you marry a peach of a man, and he accuses you of pre-marital sex, then you and your dad have to bring out the bloody sheet and prove that you had an intact hymen and then your new husband has to pay your dad 100 shekels of silver and you have to stay married to that peach forever. Doesn’t that sound fun, ladies?

Oh, and if your hymen wasn’t intact or you didn’t have one or you did have premarital sex then the men of the city get to throw big heavy rocks at you until you die.

If you commit adultery, big heavy rocks for both parties.

If you’re a girl who is engaged to another man, and you get raped in a city, but no one comes to help you, you and your rapist get dragged to the city gates and stoned to death because you must have secretly wanted it because no one heard you cry out. Nevermind that you might have been unconscious, or your rapist had a knife to your throat or threatened to strangle you if you cried out, you must have wanted it.

But if you get raped in the country, you aren’t a dirty whore, and only your rapist has to die.

If you are a girl who is not engaged and you would probably be around the age of 13, and you get raped, then your rapist has to pay your father 50 shekels of silver and you have to marry your rapist and can never be divorced.

And remember everyone, don’t have sex with your mom… I can’t believe that had to be said… would have thought it to be self-evident…but okay.

 

Chapter 23:

  • If you’ve got a bad wiener or huevos, you can’t marry an Israelite or be a citizen of Israel.
  • Same if you’re a bastard in the classical sense, you and your kids to the 10th generation are held responsible for your parent’s actions.
  • Same if you’re an Ammonite or Moabite to the tenth generation, you’re supposed to really hate these guys.
  • Be kind to Edomites and Egyptians though.
  • If you have a wet dream, you’re banned from the group until sundown and a bath.
  • If you have to take a crap, for Pete’s sake, go outside the camp, poop, and bury your poop. Nobody wants to see that.
  • If you encounter a runaway slave, don’t turn him in. Help the poor bastard out.
  • Don’t have sex for money in the service of a different god.
  • Don’t charge interest to fellow Jews, charge it to foreigners.
  • Don’t vow recklessly.
  • If you’re hungry, you can eat from a neighbor’s vineyard, but you can’t take any with you.
  • If you’re hungry, you can eat grain from a neighbor’s field, but not harvest it.

But Lord, if we allow the poor to eat freely, they shall surely become takers and moochers and dependent upon it. Shouldn’t we rather let them starve a bit, so they can become motivated to go and get a job?

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3 thoughts on “The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 22-23

  1. Susan Taylor

    I don’t want to assume, because of the whole “ads out of u and me” thing, but I hope you are planning to publish this.

    I look forward to every post. Today I even looked up the real thing so I could compare. And boy oh boy, what is with the Law? As an ex-christian, I can only assume (oops, did it again) that I read these words without understanding any of them. Or maybe me deep discomfort with the old testament God was intuitively sound. Wow.

    Like

    Reply
    1. comradedread Post author

      I will end up publishing it in some form.

      I think a lot of people who believe that everything in the bible is the word of God tend to skip from the latter part of Exodus right to Joshua.

      Like

      Reply

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