The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 24-28


 Chapter 24:

Divorce is for men to file, not women. If your husband finds an ‘indecency’ in you, you can write out a certificate of divorce and send you packing.

I’m going to go off a bit here. “Indecency” is a curious word. It could mean anything. And it was certainly taken to mean anything by a lot of people. So much so that the Pharisees asked Jesus what His opinion of this was. Jesus seemed to settle on the answer that indecency meant sexual immorality. But if your wife was committing adultery, the law on that was clear, she was to be put to death. Was this a case of offering a man a divorce if she thought his wife was cheating, but didn’t’ have proof or witnesses? Well, the law provides that magic spell for determining that question back in Numbers 5. So was this a case of the law offering an out to a husband who knew his wife was cheating on him, but didn’t want her killed? Or was it a case of Jesus saying, “You have heard that it was said, but I say to you?” Or was the writer of the gospel misinterpreting the law?

Don’t know. I’d be curious to hear other opinions.  End of tangent.

If the woman you divorced gets remarried, you can’t marry her again even if her new husband dies or divorces her. Apparently, we can add that to the ever expanding list of things God thinks is an abomination.

If you get married, you’re exempt from military service for a year.

If you kidnap a fellow Jew to beat or sell into slavery, it’s the death penalty

Watch out for leprosy. Heh, remember how God gave that disease to my sister?

If you loan someone money, don’t barge into his house to collect your collateral. Wait outside for him to bring it to you. If he’s poor, return it to him at night, because he needs it.

Pay your workers. Don’t cheat them.

You don’t kill fathers for the sins of their sons, or sons for the sins of their father… which is very funny considering how many examples there are in the OT about collective punishment from God on Israel.

Be just. Be just to the aliens, the immigrants, the powerless.

Leave some of your produce behind so poor people can have something to eat. That sounds  suspiciously like state mandated welfare… Hmm…

 

Chapter 25:

If you find a wicked man guilty, you can beat him up to 40 times with a cane or switch or whip, but not any more than that.

Let your ox eat when he’s doing the work of separating grain from the rest of the plant.

If your brother dies, was married, and he didn’t have a son, you have to marry your sister-in-law, have sex with her, and give her a son. Legally, your son becomes your brother’s son, and you become Uncle Daddy. But if you don’t really want to do it, you have to go to the local town council, declare that you don’t want to marry your sister-in-law, then she takes your shoe, spits in your face, and everyone calls you Shoeless, which was apparently a big insult back then.

shoeless

Sports nerds are really laughing right now. 

If you’re fighting with another man, and your wife grabs his junk, cut off her hand. Because there wasn’t enough horrible stuff in Deuteronomy, I guess.

Don’t cheat in business. God hates that. (*cough*TRUMP*cough*)

Go ahead and genocide the Amalekites for God, because the omnipotent deity can’t do it for himself, I guess.

 

Chapter 26:

You have to give the best of your harvest to God, and then when your obligation to God is fulfilled, give it to the poor, the orphans, and the widows.

The tonal shift from genocide to being compassionate and generous almost gave me whiplash

 

Chapter 27:

Build a monument and an altar on Mt. Ebol. Write all of the words of the law on it. Then gather everyone together and call down curses upon those who don’t obey the law.

 

Chapter 28:

If you do everything God says, you’ll be blessed.* But if you don’t, then God will destroy you suspiciously in a manner that sounds exactly like what Nebuchadnezzar did to Jerusalem, but that’s probably just a coincidence.

*Offers of blessings for obedience does not apply if your name is Job… or anyone suffering a horrific disease, financial setback, of the loss of a parent, sibling, child, or close friend. Terms and conditions may apply, void in Maryland.

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