The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 29-34


Chapter 29:

Moses: Hey, remember how God really just killed all of the Egyptians? But you guys are still kind of jerks. And God kept all your clothes and sandals from wearing out for the last 40 years. And then when we reached here, we killed all those guys who lived here so your brothers could live here? That was cool. Keep doing the Law thing so you can have good times forever.

So serve God and don’t serve any idols. And if anyone does, then God is going to curse that person.

Now later on, your descendants are going to screw it all up and the land will be desolate and everyone will wonder what happened and then the survivors will say, “Because we worshipped other gods.” And they’ll say, “Why didn’t that pillar of fire come back and say, “HEY! KNOCK IT OFF, GUYS. I’M RIGHT HERE! ONLY GOD… RIGHT HERE. PILLAR OF FIRE…” and then we’ll say, “Uh…. Because faith?”

 

Chapter 30:

Now, after you guys screw it all up and are mostly killed and your land is destroyed, then God will bring you back and shower blessings on you and it’ll be smooth sailing for the Jews…

God: Uh… Moses?

Moses: One second, Lord, I was just explaining how great you are in that after you finish killing most of us and destroying our cities, you’re going to bring us back and bless us and everything will be great for the Jews…

God: Yeah, about that… well… come here for second…

(Whispering)

Moses: Romans? Okay, okay, that sounds pretty bad…

(more whispering)

Moses: What do you mean your new chosen people are going to blame us for killing you and spend 2,000 years hating and persecuting us?

(Whispering)

Moses: Well, can’t you just come down and explain to them how that’s wrong and stupid and evil?

(Whispering)

Moses: HITLER? SIX MILLION? And you don’t stop that?

(Whispering)

Moses: Okay, okay… I’ve got the picture… Okay, guys, sorry about that… so, yeah… everything’s great… just keep worshipping Yahweh and uh… everything’s great…. Yeah…

 

Chapter 31:

Moses: Okay, I’m 120 today, and God’s going to kill me for hitting a rock. It’s okay, it’s okay… see God kill enough people for really trivial reasons and you figure you’re going to die one day for some really stupid reason too. Good news for everyone who had me in your dead pool.

But, it’s cool. God’s going to go into Canaan with you and you’re going to kill them all and take their stuff, because God is on your side, unless you cross him or one of you sins and then God will judge the whole congregation.

Joshua, you’re in command now. Priests, read my farewell speech once every seven years.

God: You know they’re going to blow it, right? And I’m totally going to have to kill most of them. Why don’t you write a song?

Moses: Yeah, you guys all suck. Joshua, you’re in charge…

Joshua: You said that already.

Moses: Joshua, you’re in charge now…

 

Chapter 32:

Moses’ sings a song. It’s a classic song of God meets nation. Nation wants to see other gods. God beats the crap out of nation until they realize how good they had it with Him.

Moses sings it in front of the people and they take out a restraining order against God, so He must not come closer than 500 yards to them.

God: Okay, Moses, it’s time. Hike up that mountain and I’ll kill you.

Moses: Okay….. God…. I’m…. moving….

(500 years later)

God: Okay, Moses, I get it. You found the loophole, but I’m pretty busy here, can you get a move on?

Moses: Al….most…. there….

God: Okay, enough, Gabriel? Fire up the teleporter.

Moses: You have a teleporter?

 

Chapter 33:

Moses blesses the tribes of Israel

“Reubenites? I hope you live and have kids…

Judah, I hope God helps you out with the whole killing your enemies thing…

Levi? You were religious zealots, so you get to work in tents burning incense instead of the fields, and I hope God kills all of your enemies for you…

Benjamin? I hope you live in peace (you won’t, but I hope you do)…

Joseph? I hope God gives you everything you want even though your progenitor was kind of a dick…

Zebulun and Issachar? Be happy. You get to be mountain folk and fishermen…

Gad? Uh…something about a lion and enlarging and tearing off arms… I don’t know…

Dan? You’re a lion cub… Hakuna mattata…

Naphtali? God’s blessed you. Go live on the beaches.

Asher? You get iron and bronze locks and put your feet in oil…

I’m old…

 

Chapter 34:

God: Hey, Moses, you’re finally here… see all this land? It’s a great land, isn’t it? But you can’t go. Because you hit a rock with a stick. Okay, dead now.

Moses: Urk! (collapses)

God: Oh… I guess I should have brought in some pall bearers or a grave digger. I wasn’t expecting to have to do this myself… oh, I know… I’ll have Michael do it. MIKE!!!!!

Everyone mourned for Moses for 30 days and Josh took command.

And there has never been a prophet like Moses since then because we learned about the scientific method and built the Internet…. No, no, I mean, there’s never been a prophet like Moses since then because Moses got to talk to God face to face. Although, I’d like to point out that if God really wanted us to know He existed and wanted us to keep all of these arcane and sometimes really awful laws, He could have kept hanging around having conversations with us.

But here we are, at the end of the Pentateuch. Moses is dead and buried, Josh is in charge and about to lead Israel into the land of Canaan because those women and children aren’t going to kill themselves.

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